Today, I became my Hero

I have been hormone fuelled, which for me is the time of the month that feels the most uncomfortable, but man is it effective! Just to recap, I have left a job, where I was being exploited and another time, when moved out of the country and into the city all because of my hormones. This instant is no different!

Last week Friday, I got a call from my team leader offering me my dream job (well, my dream for now, but really a job I can not wait to do!) – He offered me a job as a case manager. He said that someone would get in touch this week to confirm details. I got a call, on Monday, from my other team leader to welcome me to the team. She asked me when I would be starting. Still thrilled and on a high, I told her I had no idea, but I would let her know the moment someone contacted me.

A little disheartened, having heard nothing by Tuesday afternoon, I took action. I sent a text to enquire. Something I would never do – I am an underearner, see for me to come out of hiding and potentially upset anyone, is total taboo. (because I feel responsible for people after all 😉 ) I would rather say nothing and just sit with the unknowing. Anyway, after taking the leap of faith, which may seem simple to many, but in my life, it was huge. My manager called – The big boss. She started to outline the job, worked out the days, so it didn’t conflict with my work rights or uni and started to discuss the start date. I was bursting out of my skin with excitement and used every bit of self control to keep my voice from shaking.

Then the topic of pay came up (vomit!!!) – Thanks to some hefty clarity around my finances, having been in a money program for just over 3 months, I had already worked out my hourly rate and knew exactly what I was willing to accept. She offered me a pay rise on the awards scale, but because of the absence of penalty rates that I usually get for working on weekend, it is substantially lower than what I am earning. “But it’s the job you want Nicole, it’s great experience… IT’S A PROMOTION!!!”, “so shut up and take what she is offering!!!” – That was the voice in my head.

It took every once of courage that I had in my bones and all the help from my Higher Power, to say, “Thank you for the offer, but I am not sure that is going to work.”. She was flexible to hearing my part. I asked her to leave it with me for the evening, to see what I could come up with the numbers. I was scared and in a little obsession. I have NEVER stuck up for myself like that before and the feelings of doubt and regret came creeping in. I spent the evening with the numbers, knowing full well that I would have to turn down the offer. I prayed and called her back this morning. I explained that I couldn’t make ends meet on the wage she was offering me and with compassion, she asked me to send through an email with what we had discussed, so that she could see what she could do.

She sent me an email offering me a higher rate, but it was still not enough. It was flattering, but the clarity on numbers and the commitment to not under earn one day at a time, is embedded in my being right  now. Do I hope she comes back and meets me on the other side? Hell Yeah!!! I would love the job! But a girl’s gotta eat… I asked for what I needed and the rest is in God’s hands. The victory is that I asked… I took a proactive step to changing the way I have behaved, my whole life. That is what recovery is about. I showed up for me. I became my own hero. I became the kind of person I used to watch negotiate and admire for speaking their truth. The outcome is just a byproduct – Leaping off the cliff in faith – it is there, where the success lies.

Had to use the “Power Pose’ outlined in this TEDtalk. Amy Cuddy‘s method really works. Try it. I dare you! 😉

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Married to Me

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So Curious Mind Magazine has deemed it,  “Sologomy” and it’s a thing!!! I absolutely love it! I have been married to myself for a few months now and the things I have done as my wife… Well lets just say, I am one lucky woman 😉

Since I’ve been married to me, I really stick up for me, in all situations – I got myself out of a really toxic living situation without hesitation. I have moved us into a beautiful house, which gives me more time to take myself for walks on the beach and to do yoga and have dinner parties with friends. I have started doing meal prep and making myself lunches for uni and for work and instead of buying gluten free schnitzels and serving those up to myself. I went out and bought chicken breasts to make me, my own… Using pecorino and desiccated coconut as the the crumb… 100% carb free and absolutely delicious… I must tell you, my wife can cook!!! Hahaha!

I stumbled across this Tracy McMillan TED Talk one day at uni and it is really one of the best things I have ever come across. I know I am a good partner. I have always been, but the one person I neglected to turn up for was myself. This was until 2 months ago. As a wife I am attentive, I pay attention to my feelings. I make sure I keep myself well fed, with loving and nurturing food. I tuck myself into bed at a reasonable hour every night and only wake myself up after a good 8 hours, with my favourite breakfast of spiced nuts, yoghurt and strawberries (a great Tim Noakes recipe – Nut Granola)

Self Love? Yes, wholeheartedly. I show up for me these days, so that I am a whole human being when I decide to show up for others. It is a blessing. I am everything I ever wanted in a partner, so now the person that I end up with, will simply be a lovely addition to my life, rather than the person that I am searching for to fill a void, which I am totally capable of filling myself.

I am grateful. I feel loved. I am glad I pushed through the pain of recovery to find the true gifts of living on the other side.