Intrigue Intense

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I had an absolutely amazing self-care day on Friday. I did everything that I could to set myself up for a wonderful weekend, which I really did have. I met a woman for tea, who does equine assisted therapy and started to build a relationship with her, which I imagine is going to be a mutually beneficial one and long term (Well that’s what it felt like anyway). I guest spoke at an alcoholics meeting and at an addict convention, which was on stage with a microphone and really required that I overcame some serious nerves to shake out my story. I made people laugh, which for me was the biggest gift of all. I really can’t wait to be able to stand up on stage one day and do a comedy act.

So you could say this weekend was taking active steps towards achieving my dreams of becoming a stand up comedian and an equine assisted therapist – I am proud of myself and it is really more God’s success than mine. I never even had the courage to express my dreams on paper, let alone take steps to move towards them. Yet after so much growth and positivity why do I feel raw along my insides today?

I really think it’s hormones, which are making me a little more sensitive than normal, but I was confronted hard with my disease this weekend and it was giving the grandest performance, trying to suck me into self sabotage. I went to the convention and while I didn’t see the girl who qualified me to be in the love addict fellowship, I did see her partner and he was one of the best acts of the night! I felt like God rubbed a little salt in that wound! – I was able to open up to a friend about it the next day and release the pain through my tears, which is something I was never able to do before I got into recovery.

Sitting on top of all of it though, is the thing that I haven’t spoken too much about, which is dangerous. My disease lives in the dark. – I met a woman, not too long ago. She is part of the LGBTIQ community. She is also in the same 12 step fellowships as I am (red flag number one). Her qualifier left the country a measly 2 weeks ago (red flag number two) – and of course, now that we’ve become friends and she’s reciprocated my attraction, I can’t stop thinking about her (which is another major red flag, because I am not sure if I like a person – or do I just like that they like me? because, I am guaranteed they wont reject me) – It’s really messed up.

I have been talking to her everyday and I have been open with my sponsor, other members, my therapist and to her about my feelings. It was my last experience with my friend, when I got totally honest, we brought the disease to the light and we were able to move through it together, despite the fact that the feeling was mutual. We came out on the other side, better friends than ever… I actually called her today when I didn’t know what to do about this girl. Last night, I had a conversation with my newest obsession and she expressed some intrigue had developed on her side too. Her cheeky sense of humor, mixed with her avoidant tendencies, have my stomach doing flick flacks and giggling like a school girl. I am an avoidant, but she brings out my anxious preoccupied “love addict” attachment style for sure and I am honestly struggling to contain myself.

The avoidance makes the energy highly charged, because when things get too close she runs. And because I am rooted in avoidance, I don’t act out on my love addict tendencies and chase her – so what we have is nothing tangible, but you can cut the tension with a knife, it lies so thick between us. I am very aware of her position, but even more aware of mine. I have spent the last 7 months abstinent, putting all of this energy into building my dreams and, as a result, they are starting to manifest. I have this overwhelming fear of loosing myself in a relationship and have sworn to have a year off or at least complete my 12th step, before even considering engaging in another one.

But man it is HARD!!! It’s one thing putting down a drink or a drug, but its a whole different ball game when that drink comes knocking on your door. Then just imagine that drink started to have a bit of a sense of humor and slipped in these smooth one liners,  making your insides churn with excitement…. I feel fucked! I feel that feeling of emotionally hungover today, as it explains in step 10 in the 12&12. It also talks about practicing restraint – Right now I am just praying for all the help I can get.

She is a great woman and I know that if I can learn to contain myself through this, I will have the greatest amount of learning, but it is really difficult, when I am the only one playing by the rules. So what is the solution? That is the million dollar question. I will have to wait until Wednesday’s therapy session to find out. What I do know is that it can’t carry on like this. I have to be firmer with my boundaries and hopefully in the process, not loose a valuable friend. Keep working on myself and the program and try not to get distracted.

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Self Care is a Top line!

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I’m sitting in my car writing this on my phone. Didn’t know if I was going to get time tonight, but I have come to meet a newcomer who is running an hour late – just a little time to kill 😉

I am about to guest speak at an LGBTIQ meeting and I am feeling a little nervous and excited. Listening to Joy FM playing a ABBA and queen has put a huge smile on my face, love the oldies! Today has honestly been the nicest day. I have just shown up for myself in every way possible.

This morning I satarted my practice of the 10th step from the big book pg86. I asked for God’s will… listened… and came up with a massage, yoga, a walk and cleaning my car. So that’s what I set out to do. Normally if I have a day off, I feel so guilty about not doing enough or working hard enough, but today, something was different. Maybe because it was more God’s success than mine.

The yoga practice was heavenly. Really focused on bringing me back into my body and noticing myself. Using my breath to anchor me into the present moment. I went into a deep hip stretch and this soul touching piano piece started playing in the background – I broke into tears (for my usually dry eyes, this was a surprise, considering I struggle to cry on my own in my room and I dare not do it in public- it was only 4 tears, which for me is a full on balling)

I walked to the yoga studio, then after walked to a Thai massage pallor to do a full body massage for an hour. The masseuse was brilliant and really nailed the pressure points. I popped into the supermarket on the way home and instead of picking up the usual chicken to make schnitzels. I grabbed Tuscan kale and some onions and went home to make a vego omelette with tomato, basil, kale and pecorino… Delish!!! My housemate got home from work early, so I did what I do best and love to do the most… and I fed her 🙂

I went out bought some salmon to sous vide and washed my car on the way home. I cooked the the salmon and got ready and here I am. Today was simple, but absolutely sublime! I feel loved and nurtured. I found it within too and that’s the best part about it. I was the best wife I could be to me today, because I could have easily have gone home after work and just jumped into bed and ignored my needs. Instead I showed up for me. Nothing was to pricey and there was nothing I felt I didn’t deserve. There was no guilt, instead there was love and gratitude. Thank you God!

I went back into the Closet

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Technically speaking, I have been out of the closet for 12 years, but the more that I think about it, the more I realise that I haven’t really been out at all. It’s like I came out and announced my sexuality. Played on the outside for a bit and then went straight back in again and stayed there until yesterday.

The way I dress and wear my hair is so far from the lesbian stereotype as I could get it. I shaved off half of my hair in April, with so much fear about it taking away my femininity. I wanted my hair shaved since I was 10 years old, but didn’t have the confidence to do it.  Deep down at my core, my inner child is a tom boy, who wants to wear baggy boys clothes and climb trees and get dirty – so why do I resist it so much?

Society has an expectation – or let me be more specific – I have an expectation, built on old, unaltered, outdated ideas of society’s expectations, based on what I have grown up with. That a woman should look a certain way and marry a man, have a home with a white picket fence and 2.5 children hahaha – bloody hell. I could think of nothing worse, so why am I trying to conform to such an old fashioned norm? Fear of being excluded and like I found out in therapy the other day, my driving reason – fear of being rejected for who I am and then fear of being abandoned. My father and my sister left me and then the only family I had left rejected me or rather the part of me that I have no control over.

Instead of staying out of the closet and facing the rejection of my family. I went back in and though I dated women, they were generally heterosexual and unavailable and bound to leave me anyway. I was not openly gay. The people who knew I was gay, were the people who had gotten to know me over a period of time long enough to see one of these affairs play out. If I spoke about my partner and the person just assumed it was a “him”, I did absolutely nothing to correct them. I was desperate for your love and your approval and petrified of you leaving me, so I hid away behind a facade of whatever I thought, you thought, was palatable.

It’s pretty sad when I think about it and a really lonely existence of never letting people in. Never showing anyone the real me. Rejecting myself first and tucking her away into a dark closet, so that you wouldn’t have the opportunity to reject me. I always thought of myself as very brave, but this behaviour has been far from courageous and has kept my isolated in my hider ego state for too long.

Yesterday marks the turning point for me, although the build up to it has been happening for a number of weeks now. I have been actively taking steps to integrate myself into the LGBTIQ community, little by little, to put an end to the rejection of it and inevitably putting an end to the rejection of myself. I have been to a few LGBTIQ meetings and I did the MQFF (Melbourne Queer Film Festival) – I attempted to go to 2 gay/lesbian nights out, but the gang cancelled. I showed willingness, which sometimes is all that you need. I have been asked to guest speak at a 12 step convention at the LGBTIQ meeting and for another 12 step fellowship, I was program coordinated for their convention, so I helped facilitate the creation of an LGBTIQ specific meeting, which I am quite happy about.

It feels like I am finding my voice. I am beginning to comprehend pride and feel passionately about advocating for the community, even if it is on a small scale. It means so much to me. At university we were assigned the task of creating a group presentation – Excited to learn more I suggested we look into marriage equality as it has not be passed in Australia yet. Making gays second class citizens and denying us our human right. “The right of adults to enter into consensual marriage is enshrined in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (Article 16).”

The presentation went down like a house on fire and I watched my fellow students get involved on a level that I had never seen before. It was a group of 7 of us and the girl who normally used to only show up 5 minutes before the final presentation, with her contribution, was present from the beginning and though she could not relate to being ostracised for her sexual preference, she could relate to being excluded for her Christian faith in a Muslim community and was answering class questions, trying to give our classmates perspective. The girl who is normally too shy to do anything but read her information off of a piece of paper, was bringing real life experience to the table and sharing about her cousin’s sexuality and how beautiful the experience was of getting the acceptance of the family. It brought out her sense of humour, “Being gay is not an illness! You can’t just call in sick to school one day and say, sorry I have come down with gay” hahaha – I loved it!

The topic had ears pricked and the whole class got involved in quite a heated debate, where I was given the opportunity to answer a question, using my own experience. With my heart thumping hard in my chest, in front of the whole class, I answered, “Well, I am gay…” and I shared my experience. I came out of hiding and I feel like it was an even bigger moment for me, than my first closet exit. I got vulnerable standing up in front of the whole class. The lecturer gave me a hug, another girl opened up about being pansexual and an authenticity was born and flowed freely through the conversations thereafter. It was beautiful and a day I will probably remember for the rest of my life. The truth will set me free.