Who Am I?

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Living according to my truth is a challenging endeavour! I would like to adopt a more androgynous style, but not even sure where to begin. I look at men and I think, “Damn! I love what he is wearing!”. I realised I have a crush on Jonathan Van Ness from the Fab 5 in Queer Eye – I don’t mean a romantic crush, I mean, I love the way he looks! That lushes, lovely, long hair – he is just a beautiful man!

I am a lesbian woman, who loved wearing boys clothing growing up, but then quickly adopted a heterosexual woman wardrobe to fend off the lesbian accusations when I was younger – because in my family, “nothing would be worse than one of us coming home with a woman”.

Ahhhh… so my internalised homophobia blossomed!

13 years after coming out of the closet and 3 years after rebuilding my self in a sober sense, after 15 years of drug and alcohol addiction. I am finally experimenting with my look again. Hips make it hard! I am still not entirely comfortable shopping in the men’s section and androgynous stores are hard to come by in Melbourne (or I’m not entirely sure where to look yet). Another thing… I cut my hair off, to play around with the more masculine look, but I got a heterosexual female to do it, which ended me up with a cut that looks more like my mother’s hairstyle than I do a lesbian. So now I am totally confused.

Physically it’s challenging, because I don’t even know what exactly I want to look like and shame often keeps me from even experimenting. The truth is, I need help! For me it is very easy to flaunt the long blonde hair and fit into a heterosexual world by dressing a certain way and not correcting people when they assume that when I am talking about my partner, that I am referring to a man. That is not my truth and I am hiding the most important part of myself. I don’t think I would like to fit into a stereotypical lesbian look either, because deep down inside I would rather look like a beautiful gay man – so where does that make me fit into the LGBTIQ initialism?

On the spiritual and emotional front 12 step fellowships are helping me address that shame and the low self worth that I used to use drugs and alcohol to forget about. Working through this stuff layer by layer. Each year I get closer to the feelings and closer to the core of why I used to drink. In addition to discovering what I like to wear and how I want to look, I am discovering what I like to do, what I need from friends and what I am willing to accept. The friendships I have built in the last 3 years are not always the best for me, they were built on the foundation of: “I will be ok with things that aren’t ok, so long as you will love me and wont reject me.”

Letting go of these friendships is hard and sometimes very lonely. Living my truth is not easy! I have to spend lots of time working out how not to do things, before I find out how to do things, in a way that truly resinates with my soul. This is posses to be quite difficult for my inner perfectionist, who growing up was beaten for making mistakes.

I’ve become vegan, because I am really against breeding animals just to kill them. If it is not ok for millions of people to be loaded onto cattle trains to be transported to their death, then why is it ok to do that to animals?!? I am against global warming, consumerism and destroying our planet, though Soy crop agriculture is just as damaging, so does that mean that drinking soy milk is ok? Or have I just bought into another fad? I know soy uses less energy than cow’s milk, so good for global warming, but what about the decline in forest conservation, herbicides and nitrogen rich fertiliser they use to expand soy bean plantations?

The truth is I would really like to know where my food is coming from, but I don’t have the time to grow it myself, nor source local farmers and produce, because I am thoroughly enmeshed in the very system that I am trying to stand up against – And I have to face facts, we don’t have a big enough garden for a goat!

It has been a journey! One which leads to so much confusion and uncertainty. Who am I and what do I stand for? But most importantly, do I really have enough courage to be different?