Recovering My True Self

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Whoo hoo! I’m back!!! 🙂

I have been on quite a journey in the last month. It has been a real period of self discovery! I had been going flat out with recovery, since about April last year. I was in a desperate amount of pain after breaking up with my ex, the woman who I moved to Australia for. Since the break up, I did a step one on her and a step four on her in the drug program, but that really didn’t work. 6 months later, I fell into the love fellowship on my knees and desperate to fill the empty space that was so dark and lonely, it made death the more palatable option. I was scared. I didn’t want to die. It took every last bit of strength and God, to stop me from giving up entirely.

I started the steps in the love fellowship and in the process realised my codependent tendencies, so I started the first 14 days of questions in that too. I was acting out with workaholism and at the beginning my sex addiction was running rampage. I acquired a little self worth in the codependent program and managed to walk away from my job and a boss who was gas lighting me. I also managed to get more than 30 day abstinence with the sex and love stuff too. What I was left with, was the beginning of a life worth holding on to and that darn empty space!!! Somebody suggested therapy. I took the woman’s number, but with the ‘glamorous’ childhood I had, I really didn’t see how I could possibly need therapy (completely overlooking the fact that I had been to therapist after therapist since I was 14).

One day I was at home and I was completely overwhelmed with shame after receiving a message from my former boss. I was ready to throw in the towel and it was then and there that God gave me the strength to reach out to this woman. She called me and it was an instant connection. I had no idea how I was going to pay for these sessions, considering I had just walked away from my job, but I was desperate and I would have done anything at that point. What followed was a gruelling commitment to self recovery – Recovery from addiction, is in actual fact, recovery of my true authentic self (you know the one that was there before the dysfunctional family systems and societal jading).

Since February I have worked through books. Before then I didn’t even read. Books like: Claudia Black – Changing Course; Jerrold Mundis – Earn What You Deserve (Turns out I had a money addiction too); Julia Cameron & Mark Bryan – Money Drunk Money Sober. Charlotte Kasl – Women, Sex & Addiction; Brennan Manning – The Ragamuffin Gospel; Patrick Carnes – Facing the Shadows. I have finished the 12 steps in the love fellowship. I started in the money fellowship, got up to step 3, put it down and picked it up again. I did an improv comedy course. Have just started listening to a guide to stand up and writing jokes – this was all while working and studying. Every time I put my program down, I would get into a heap load of pain, so I was afraid to stop. I was even frantic around doing heavy therapy sessions fortnightly and writing this blog.

Now I don’t know if I had a spiritual awakening, but it sure feels like one (Many actually! Every time I turn my head one whacks me in the face – it’s like a profound realisation!). One month ago, I threw in the towel on therapy. I went into the session and just said I just cant do anymore. I wanted to live the life I had worked so hard to recover. My therapist supported me in a way so gentle, I have really just tried to carry it to everyone I deal with – it is a love and a gentleness that I had never experienced before.

After making that decision, which for me was the first step toward empowerment and independence, everything started to change. I booked a trip to Sydney. Reconnected with a love interest. Had a near fall out with my best friend, which pulled out my deepest abandonment wound and put me into the most vulnerable place I have ever been – I was naked and frail and so aware of my humanness AND I didn’t die! (I was able to self soothe and even though I had ‘lost’ my best friend, I was ok!) – It was there I let go of the self judgement and shame. I could see my defects and was able to make amends for the behaviour (taking people’s inventory). Seeing my humanness, helped me see it in other people and it is there I found true love for self.

I put my program down for that month, but I didn’t beat myself up about it. I have been able to start dating and start breaking the sober dating guidelines, but I go easy on myself. I am an addict, I am not always going to get it right! I got into pain around the money stuff, so I recommitted. As a result opportunities are falling out of the sky and God is actually giving me the courage to follow up on business and feel worthy of that business and feel good about the work I do. “Gentle judgement free approach to self” – I wrote that down as one of my top/bottom lines a year ago and I finally get to practice it.

Tomorrow I will do 5 rhythms, then go and ride a horse that somebody wants me to compete. I’ll go and watch a comedy shoe in the evening (Nadine Sparks) – an inspiration in my pursuit of my comedy career. And then ending off on a night out dancing in the LGBTIQ community. All four of these things are on my list of esteemable acts. I am blessed. I am working a program, but not like my life depends on it and I am living that life I have always dreamed of. This stuff works and the moments of stillness in my mind, make the work totally worth it!

Feeling love today and feeling SO grateful!

Becoming a Butterfly

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Have I had a spiritual awakening? I wonder… There has definitely been a shift, which is my favourite part of this whole recovery thing. I am a true Scorpio in terms of adaptability, even though I am an addict and afraid of change (the fear isn’t real), I thrive on it! It is like a metamorphosis, I have started shedding my cocoon, transforming from a worm into a butterfly – Moving towards light and flight, with freedom to choose.

I shared my 9th step in the love fellowship last night with my incredibly nurturing, wise & gentle sponsor. She was extraordinary. She listened to me, with the literature in front of her and each time something I said would relate to it, she would read something out of the book. I felt totally at one and in alignment with my program and my experience of the 9th was like nothing I have ever experienced before, despite having done it in another fellowship , not too long ago. We went for dinner after and then a meeting for alcoholics. I went to sleep after getting home and didn’t think much more about it.

I pulled out my journal this morning (the same as every other morning) and I started writing. Each paragraph was followed by a little prayer asking God for health, happiness and prosperity for someone I was angry with or to please give me the clarity to express my feelings and not my thinking. Or a prayer to ask God to please help me show up for myself. I have never written like this before, it felt really pure and authentic.

Then I popped into my head for a bit. I got into fantasy around guest sharing tomorrow night. I fantasised about being seen by the object of my obsession, all parts of me. Performing at my best and making people laugh! And when I realised I was escaping into this reality, I stopped myself and started to examine it. See in my head, I am a brilliant comedian. I have done hundreds of stand up shows and brought joy to many people’s lives through laughter, especially the women who I sexualise. I have spent hours and hours each day, practicing stand up… In my head!

In the past I would have judged my thinking or gotten angry with myself for vacating my reality so swiftly, for such a large amount of time. Today I simply looked at it. I started to ask myself, what is the need? What do I really need here? To be seen?… Yes! But how is that ever going to happen if I am not willing to show myself?

Then it was the part on performing and making people laugh, which has been a dream of mine since I was very young. So how do I meet that need? The truth is I am not finding my current reality fulfilling enough to stick around. Something has got to change. Beating myself up about my obsessive thinking it is not going to do anything, so I will approach it like I would a child having a tantrum. Reassurance, until she was ready and in a safe enough space to spit out what she wants and then sit with her and start looking for comedy courses that we can enrol her into. I found a 2 day comedy script writing course on my birthday in October and then a stand up course the month after. Gives me plenty of time to save, enrol and get the dream one step closer to existing out of my head and in my reality.

Doing a creative class was one of my top lines. I did an improv comedy course at the beginning of the year to break the ice. I loved it and the techniques I learnt. It took ever last bit of my courage to even enrol in a course like that. My social anxiety was running rife, but I did it anyway and loved it.  I had to pull out of the final performance though. My fear overwhelmed me, but my dream still lives on. The fire in my belly revolves around my writing and my stories and if I could just learn the tool to construct them in a comedic way and then how to perform them on stage (without the performance anxiety driving me to contemplate ending my life) – I think then, I will have achieved, a lifelong goal.

The rest of this morning was spent doing university work. I took the day off school, so I could hammer out the assignment that was due today. I finished it, but my brain was fried afterwards. I noticed myself drift in and out of thinking. I kept pulling myself back into the room by looking at my feet. Asking what day it is, what is the time and where am I? I would laugh at myself drifting off, even after I had given myself a pep talk and done some heavy breathing exercises. I meditated for half an hour, yet still I was drifting off. Doing assignments really force me into my head, then when I stop I find myself intellectualising everything, even more so than normal. I will have a feeling during meditation and then I will pick it apart with tweezers in my head and totally evacuate the body again hahaha!

I reached out to another member and I shared with her my journaling experience. She asked me who my favourite comedian is. I have many, but Michael Mcintyre is currently sitting on the top of my list. She gave me a few more names to broaden my collection, Kitty Flanagan being one I particularly enjoyed. After watching a number of skits (a great distraction from uni work) I popped into fantasy. This time though, I managed to stop quickly and grab my pen and paper. I wrote under the heading: COMEDY – and there, with a fresh perspective and idea on joke structure, I wrote my first skit. Proud of myself for writing it and totally aware of how I could perform it, I gave gratitude. Thank you God!!!

I have been trying to write things for months now, but nothing ever comes out the way I wanted it to. It interesting, because, just that little bit of action (it’s the willingness actually) – I was able to write like I have never written before. God is doing for me, what I can not do for myself. Right now, I am present and a little bit excited. Shifting from thought into action – A metamorphosis. I am becoming a butterfly!