Turn Around

Image result for turn around

I was sitting in a pool hall, a couple of nights ago, watching the tennis waiting for my client to finish playing pool. My head was pounding – maybe it was caffeine withdrawal. I went tea free that day, where before I have been drinking between 1-3 cups a day. I was on google, trying to find out whether or not tea has more caffeine than coffee, I read mixed reviews, they were all relative.

I stopped drinking coffee about 3 months ago, because when I got triggered into my PTSD I found it impossible to deescalate. My heart rate used to go through the roof. On one hand I was happy that I had more umph to tackle the office job and function beautifully with a tea in me. On the other hand the moment something triggered me, I had to spend half the day trying to bring myself back down to earth again… and then add to that a dash of hormones, and voila… a disaster!!! They don’t lie when they say addicts are sensitive souls. I don’t know how I used to take crystal meth, if one cup of tea spins me out. No wonder I was afraid to leave my apartment.

So much had changed in the last 3 years, it’s absolute madness! This time 3 years ago I was sitting in an apartment in Cape Town, I had probably been awake for at least 3 days. I had just lost the second job in one month. I was about to miss my sister’s wedding, because I couldn’t guarantee that I would go to it sober, so I felt like, as her bridesmaid I would be doing her a disservice AND I had just sold my car and given all the money to my partner to pay for my flight to Melbourne. The car money got spent on one months rent and a heap load more meth. My family weren’t talking to me and the relationship I was in, was so toxic it was messy and violent and the police were getting involved.

This was the time in my life where I started to feel like things were going wrong for me. Up until that point I thought I was invincible. I used to roll off sayings like, “You are what you eat!…. That’s funny, I don’t remember eating a fucking LEGEND!!!” – The wilder the night, the bigger the ego boost. I used to supply all the gear, so naturally I felt responsible for everyone else’s level of happiness. It was like a game, where social standing was as valuable as money and in the scene I knew everybody! It didn’t occur to me that there were people outside of the scene and that the particular scene I was in, was not necessarily the scene anybody ever wants to be in – its more like where you don’t want to end up.

Before the end, I’m talking about the last 3-6 months of my using, I was floating around completely oblivious and it is because of one specific coping mechanism: Dissociation – “the action of disconnecting or separating or the state of being disconnected.” – Just like my mother, I only chose to remember the good things, so it was like the bad things never even happened. This developed in early childhood. I learnt to use a computer when I was 4 years old (which now I would imagine is quite common) – I was an avid gamer and would much rather escape into the digital world than deal with my reality. I was a day dreamer to such extremes that I would walk into pools or fall over things and I was totally unable to pay attention during conversations. My first addiction was to TV, I used to watch it every possible second when I wasn’t at school or sleeping. According to my grandparents I was an insomniac since I was 2 years-old, so I got a lot of TV time in on a daily basis.

I became sexually active around 10 years old and compulsive busyness when my Dad left the country with my sister and left me behind. Out of all the things that worked to disconnect me from my reality, compulsive busyness took the cake. While I have been clean for almost 3 years now, I still fall into the trap of overloading my day and leaving no room to feel. I have a program for that thank God and probably the reason why I haven’t been putting out many blog posts of late… I am learning to just enjoy some time off. The more time off I have, the more exhausted I feel. I think I’m addicted to sleep as well 🙂

I feel like I am taking a fine tooth comb and brushing out these addictive lice, which just keep popping up all over the place – Not easy to see them either. The periods of time in between the suffering are getting longer and longer and so much more fulfilling. Today I am feeling grateful.

 

 

 

Hunt – Pray

hunt.jpeg

To be honest, I have been lying here for a while wanting to write this, but tonight I just felt like checking out. I packed up my whole life today (again!) and when I empty the space around me, I feel I need to be 100% fulfilled inside, not to feel completely empty. It’s that whole in the soul thing, us addicts experience… While I have done a really good job in the last two weeks of showing up for myself, self-validating and fulfilment – Today I found myself searching. Did I want to compromise and connect with people that didn’t serve me, all for the sake of connection? Yes… but I abstained and I was left sitting with myself.

So how do I feel? Firstly I went into obsession over finances hahaha… the gifts of working a financial program and taking record of my numbers, it didn’t take very long to arrest the fear (because based on my expenses, I have nothing to be afraid about – today I have that clarity) – so with that obsession stopped in its track, I checked in with myself. It felt like anxiety, but what I think it is, is excitement, (very easily confused the two of those) – Uncomfortable with that feeling, I started to facebook stalk a girl who has invited me to a gig next Wednesday. I tried to look up another girl too, who I have started to connect with, but couldn’t find her online – In short – I am hunting!

I am not even allowed to date for another 6 months, so why even go there? Anything is better than sitting with the feeling. I am an addict – I am afraid of change! These poor girls are just victims of my misplaced sexualisation, because I will focus on anything, but myself (It doesn’t matter who they are, as long as we can engage). I am self-abandoning, because I am overwhelmed with the feeling. In tonight’s blog, I don’t have a profound message. I am going to pray and meditate and explore this feeling. Every feeling has a life span, like a flame, eventually it will burn out. Tonight I will have tea with my emotions. That is all I can do.