Today, I became my Hero

I have been hormone fuelled, which for me is the time of the month that feels the most uncomfortable, but man is it effective! Just to recap, I have left a job, where I was being exploited and another time, when moved out of the country and into the city all because of my hormones. This instant is no different!

Last week Friday, I got a call from my team leader offering me my dream job (well, my dream for now, but really a job I can not wait to do!) – He offered me a job as a case manager. He said that someone would get in touch this week to confirm details. I got a call, on Monday, from my other team leader to welcome me to the team. She asked me when I would be starting. Still thrilled and on a high, I told her I had no idea, but I would let her know the moment someone contacted me.

A little disheartened, having heard nothing by Tuesday afternoon, I took action. I sent a text to enquire. Something I would never do – I am an underearner, see for me to come out of hiding and potentially upset anyone, is total taboo. (because I feel responsible for people after all 😉 ) I would rather say nothing and just sit with the unknowing. Anyway, after taking the leap of faith, which may seem simple to many, but in my life, it was huge. My manager called – The big boss. She started to outline the job, worked out the days, so it didn’t conflict with my work rights or uni and started to discuss the start date. I was bursting out of my skin with excitement and used every bit of self control to keep my voice from shaking.

Then the topic of pay came up (vomit!!!) – Thanks to some hefty clarity around my finances, having been in a money program for just over 3 months, I had already worked out my hourly rate and knew exactly what I was willing to accept. She offered me a pay rise on the awards scale, but because of the absence of penalty rates that I usually get for working on weekend, it is substantially lower than what I am earning. “But it’s the job you want Nicole, it’s great experience… IT’S A PROMOTION!!!”, “so shut up and take what she is offering!!!” – That was the voice in my head.

It took every once of courage that I had in my bones and all the help from my Higher Power, to say, “Thank you for the offer, but I am not sure that is going to work.”. She was flexible to hearing my part. I asked her to leave it with me for the evening, to see what I could come up with the numbers. I was scared and in a little obsession. I have NEVER stuck up for myself like that before and the feelings of doubt and regret came creeping in. I spent the evening with the numbers, knowing full well that I would have to turn down the offer. I prayed and called her back this morning. I explained that I couldn’t make ends meet on the wage she was offering me and with compassion, she asked me to send through an email with what we had discussed, so that she could see what she could do.

She sent me an email offering me a higher rate, but it was still not enough. It was flattering, but the clarity on numbers and the commitment to not under earn one day at a time, is embedded in my being right  now. Do I hope she comes back and meets me on the other side? Hell Yeah!!! I would love the job! But a girl’s gotta eat… I asked for what I needed and the rest is in God’s hands. The victory is that I asked… I took a proactive step to changing the way I have behaved, my whole life. That is what recovery is about. I showed up for me. I became my own hero. I became the kind of person I used to watch negotiate and admire for speaking their truth. The outcome is just a byproduct – Leaping off the cliff in faith – it is there, where the success lies.

Had to use the “Power Pose’ outlined in this TEDtalk. Amy Cuddy‘s method really works. Try it. I dare you! 😉

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Addict Uncovered

If you have been following previous posts, you are well aware of the struggle I have been having with intrigue. I have been yoyo-ing back and fourth for several days, about whether or not I should try going on a sober date or if I should just run for the hills. After much contemplation, I decided to run, for fear of loosing control of myself. Being the all or nothing kind of girl that I am, not only did I run away. I asked to cut contact. She respected my boundary, which I was really grateful for, because I was really kicking and screaming setting that one and battling to hold it in place.

We managed to last 3 days. I went to a meeting last night and she was there. I found it impossible to stop looking at her. So at the end of the meeting when her friend invited me to join them for dinner, naturally all resistance crumbled. I said yes and four us embarked on a Japanese experience, where the conversation flowed beautifully and the sexual tension was laid on thick between us. When the night was over I was left totally stimulated and salivating. So naturally I did the ‘responsible’ thing when I got home… I called her! (Hahaha! Bloody hell!!!)

We spoke on the phone for 2 hours and the conversation got really heated at many points. I was engrossed and totally entertaining the sexual intrigue. I was loving it! And hugely ashamed at the same time (typical of my addict behaviour) – I was frazzled by the end and was practically kissing my sobriety goodbye, when she asked me a question that changed EVERYTHING!  She said to me, “I really want to get to know you Nicole. Do you want to get to know me?” – I felt choked up and searched my brain for an answer… I let out a little giggle as I realised, I had no fucking idea! The only thing that was on my mind was sex! Asking me if I wanted to get to know her was as baffling to me, as asking, “What is the meaning of life?” – Hahahaha… Who Knows?!? – Not me!

It sounds crude and degrading and I really mean no disrespect to this woman, she is pretty cool, I think? 🙂 … It was in that moment and through that realisation of not knowing, that the fantasy was shattered and in front of me standing clear as day I saw my addict self. The light shinning brightly on every conversation we had ever had. How they were laced with ulterior motives and impure intentions. They were all driven by sex and seduction. I was delusional!

Now that I have seen my addict self and I am no longer consumed by her, I agreed to meet this woman for coffee. We went with the purpose of getting to know one another… I must say, it is truly amazing how little substance conversations have without intrigue. I feel like I am learning how to talk, it felt so unnatural – like, you have to think of questions and shit… and what do I really want to know? Smooth pick up lines slip out so easily, whereas this felt like stage fright at a comedy festival… awkward and uncomfortable!

So I’d like to say thank you, God! My Higher Power did for me what I could not do for myself. I was able to move through the fear and instead of being left deprived and wanting, I found myself in a situation that was simply was nowhere near as glamorous as the one I had built up in my head. The bubble has been burst and I am left with reality in all its imperfection… It’s Amazing! The truth has set me free – and I even learnt a little more about me today. Winning!

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Spiritual Sulk

 

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I’ve had a bit of a full on 3 days. I found myself in bed by 8:30pm last night, totally exhausted. I have been experiencing some pretty amazing intrigue. I was in a huge amount of obsession about it, until I threw in the towel and agreed to go on a sober date with her. I calmed down and accepted that it was going to happen and I was going with the intention of discovering the truth. Either I would have gone and bursted the fantasy bubble, or I would have found myself really liking her.

Both options sounded pretty good to me, until I had my therapy session and we spoke about those darn red flags and the fact that I haven’t even come off my training wheels yet in the love department. My therapist suggested I go and that it was simply a date and it was really either going to be all or nothing… We spoke about the fact that this woman only got out of a relationship 4 months ago, which was actually a big red flag for me and secondly she shares a very small 12 step fellowship with me, so if it doesn’t work, there may be some consequences and limitations around which meetings I can go to etc.

I sat through the entire session, convinced I was going to meet her on Saturday to burst the bubble. When I got home I didn’t do much, because the rest of the session was quite confronting and I had been smacked emotionally. I spoke to the girl before going to bed and the conversation was heavenly. She played me a song and I fell asleep totally peaceful. The last part of my dream before I woke up was of me kissing her… It was incredible! It was at that moment (or at least the moment when I woke up) that I realised that if the bubble got burst it would be ideal, but what if it didn’t? I would be in some major trouble!!! If I went out and had a really meaningful date and developed even more feelings there would be absolutely NO way of backing out of it. So despairingly and reluctantly, I called it off. I am angry with myself for doing it and I have to talk myself back into the decision every hour or so, but I know it’s the right thing… The timing is off.

It’s short term pain for long term gain. My therapist has got more of an issue than I do about dating someone in 12 step, what I do have an issue with is the fact that after 4 months, I am probably just the rebound and thats not going to change without some accumulation of time. So I have to hit the pause button. I think I will probably need to date a few people out of fellowship first so I can loose the training wheels before I go stuffing up so close to home.

I say all of this with my arms folded across my chest, like a kid whose just had their toys taken away from them. I was feeling sulky and very sorry for myself. I was doing loads of step work for some relief, but the obsession first thing is really hard to beat. It slips in the door before any program can and I find myself loosing time stuck in the fantasy of what I think will be (which is probably the furtherest thing from the truth). I had to hammer out my step work, pray, write about it and listen for God’s answer. I took my computer out into the kitchen sitting area, I started doing even more step work – Then God decided to come in.

I got a phone call from my team leader. He called to offer me the job that I have been dreaming about, just out of the blue like that. I honestly expressed my excitement and this coming Monday the big boss is going to call me to discuss further. The job is as a case manager. I only started working in the industry 6 months ago and have only just started studying. I got the job I was hoping to get at the end of my diploma now and I didn’t have to do anything to get it. I just had to keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. The universe rewards good actions and God is looking after me when I am sad. I am grateful and lucky and so freaking blessed! A dream life is unfolding in front of my eyes. Sometimes I have to make some really tough decisions, but thats ok, because if I just keep putting myself first God gives me a life beyond my wildest dreams. God gives me a life worth staying sober for.

Sober Dating Hey?

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So I have had an interesting day to say the least. When I asked for God’s will this morning as per my 10th step and listened out for it, the only thing that came up was sleep. So I went back to sleep for an hour and when I woke up, I saw that the volunteering I do was cancelled due to bad weather. This was such a blessing as I went straight back to sleep and woke up at 8:30am, which was heavenly.

I got myself into a spin, because after 2 hours of solid program work, I picked up the phone to an intrigue. I spoke to her for an hour and the conversation was funny and cool and something I ended up judging myself on, because “I’m not ready!”. I started having “it’s the end of the world” kind of thinking, as I have wasted my whole day just talking to this woman and obsessing about her, I shouldn’t be doing this and I am in so much trouble! My head was firing thoughts like a machine gun and I felt frantic and a bit ashamed.

Instead of doing what I’ve always done and kept these feelings to myself. I shared it with other members, then my action buddy called me. After listing the actions I had accomplished, despite my intrigue, I was actually quite proud of myself. I kept feeling like I was putting my life on hold, when in actual fact my uni work, program, admin and business card design were all going off… Hell I even typed up the minutes for a new 12 step relationship meeting I have the pleasure of being part of opening. I settled after I had the opportunity to acknowledge my work. Then, as if God was watching, just waiting for the opportune moment. My sponsor called me out of the blue. She wanted to share some of her stuff and because we were a mutual support source for each other, before we commenced with the whole sponsor/sponsee relationship… I was able to hear her out and be her support, while sharing my story and gaining some great insight and guidance.

So the result?… Sober dating! Hahaha!!! I never thought I’d see the day I could say that and actually be happy with the words I am putting down. But what a relief!!! All that frantic energy is gone. It’s like I stopped feeling like I was failing this whole thing and just accepted that this was the end goal anyway. I am not going off to marry this girl. I am just going to meet up every now and again and get to know her. That 8 months of abstinence will give me a good enough perspective on what I want and what I don’t. It’s ok to trust that! And if it gets too much, as per my housemate’s suggestion, I can take a time out. A few days or a week, just to reflect, find myself and reassess.

We’ll go to the park on Saturday and just spend time getting to know each other. Hahaha, feels healthy. I am happy. I was frazzled, I applied program and… Voila! Serenity 😉

Intrigue Intense

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I had an absolutely amazing self-care day on Friday. I did everything that I could to set myself up for a wonderful weekend, which I really did have. I met a woman for tea, who does equine assisted therapy and started to build a relationship with her, which I imagine is going to be a mutually beneficial one and long term (Well that’s what it felt like anyway). I guest spoke at an alcoholics meeting and at an addict convention, which was on stage with a microphone and really required that I overcame some serious nerves to shake out my story. I made people laugh, which for me was the biggest gift of all. I really can’t wait to be able to stand up on stage one day and do a comedy act.

So you could say this weekend was taking active steps towards achieving my dreams of becoming a stand up comedian and an equine assisted therapist – I am proud of myself and it is really more God’s success than mine. I never even had the courage to express my dreams on paper, let alone take steps to move towards them. Yet after so much growth and positivity why do I feel raw along my insides today?

I really think it’s hormones, which are making me a little more sensitive than normal, but I was confronted hard with my disease this weekend and it was giving the grandest performance, trying to suck me into self sabotage. I went to the convention and while I didn’t see the girl who qualified me to be in the love addict fellowship, I did see her partner and he was one of the best acts of the night! I felt like God rubbed a little salt in that wound! – I was able to open up to a friend about it the next day and release the pain through my tears, which is something I was never able to do before I got into recovery.

Sitting on top of all of it though, is the thing that I haven’t spoken too much about, which is dangerous. My disease lives in the dark. – I met a woman, not too long ago. She is part of the LGBTIQ community. She is also in the same 12 step fellowships as I am (red flag number one). Her qualifier left the country a measly 2 weeks ago (red flag number two) – and of course, now that we’ve become friends and she’s reciprocated my attraction, I can’t stop thinking about her (which is another major red flag, because I am not sure if I like a person – or do I just like that they like me? because, I am guaranteed they wont reject me) – It’s really messed up.

I have been talking to her everyday and I have been open with my sponsor, other members, my therapist and to her about my feelings. It was my last experience with my friend, when I got totally honest, we brought the disease to the light and we were able to move through it together, despite the fact that the feeling was mutual. We came out on the other side, better friends than ever… I actually called her today when I didn’t know what to do about this girl. Last night, I had a conversation with my newest obsession and she expressed some intrigue had developed on her side too. Her cheeky sense of humor, mixed with her avoidant tendencies, have my stomach doing flick flacks and giggling like a school girl. I am an avoidant, but she brings out my anxious preoccupied “love addict” attachment style for sure and I am honestly struggling to contain myself.

The avoidance makes the energy highly charged, because when things get too close she runs. And because I am rooted in avoidance, I don’t act out on my love addict tendencies and chase her – so what we have is nothing tangible, but you can cut the tension with a knife, it lies so thick between us. I am very aware of her position, but even more aware of mine. I have spent the last 7 months abstinent, putting all of this energy into building my dreams and, as a result, they are starting to manifest. I have this overwhelming fear of loosing myself in a relationship and have sworn to have a year off or at least complete my 12th step, before even considering engaging in another one.

But man it is HARD!!! It’s one thing putting down a drink or a drug, but its a whole different ball game when that drink comes knocking on your door. Then just imagine that drink started to have a bit of a sense of humor and slipped in these smooth one liners,  making your insides churn with excitement…. I feel fucked! I feel that feeling of emotionally hungover today, as it explains in step 10 in the 12&12. It also talks about practicing restraint – Right now I am just praying for all the help I can get.

She is a great woman and I know that if I can learn to contain myself through this, I will have the greatest amount of learning, but it is really difficult, when I am the only one playing by the rules. So what is the solution? That is the million dollar question. I will have to wait until Wednesday’s therapy session to find out. What I do know is that it can’t carry on like this. I have to be firmer with my boundaries and hopefully in the process, not loose a valuable friend. Keep working on myself and the program and try not to get distracted.

Self Care is a Top line!

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I’m sitting in my car writing this on my phone. Didn’t know if I was going to get time tonight, but I have come to meet a newcomer who is running an hour late – just a little time to kill 😉

I am about to guest speak at an LGBTIQ meeting and I am feeling a little nervous and excited. Listening to Joy FM playing a ABBA and queen has put a huge smile on my face, love the oldies! Today has honestly been the nicest day. I have just shown up for myself in every way possible.

This morning I satarted my practice of the 10th step from the big book pg86. I asked for God’s will… listened… and came up with a massage, yoga, a walk and cleaning my car. So that’s what I set out to do. Normally if I have a day off, I feel so guilty about not doing enough or working hard enough, but today, something was different. Maybe because it was more God’s success than mine.

The yoga practice was heavenly. Really focused on bringing me back into my body and noticing myself. Using my breath to anchor me into the present moment. I went into a deep hip stretch and this soul touching piano piece started playing in the background – I broke into tears (for my usually dry eyes, this was a surprise, considering I struggle to cry on my own in my room and I dare not do it in public- it was only 4 tears, which for me is a full on balling)

I walked to the yoga studio, then after walked to a Thai massage pallor to do a full body massage for an hour. The masseuse was brilliant and really nailed the pressure points. I popped into the supermarket on the way home and instead of picking up the usual chicken to make schnitzels. I grabbed Tuscan kale and some onions and went home to make a vego omelette with tomato, basil, kale and pecorino… Delish!!! My housemate got home from work early, so I did what I do best and love to do the most… and I fed her 🙂

I went out bought some salmon to sous vide and washed my car on the way home. I cooked the the salmon and got ready and here I am. Today was simple, but absolutely sublime! I feel loved and nurtured. I found it within too and that’s the best part about it. I was the best wife I could be to me today, because I could have easily have gone home after work and just jumped into bed and ignored my needs. Instead I showed up for me. Nothing was to pricey and there was nothing I felt I didn’t deserve. There was no guilt, instead there was love and gratitude. Thank you God!

Becoming a Butterfly

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Have I had a spiritual awakening? I wonder… There has definitely been a shift, which is my favourite part of this whole recovery thing. I am a true Scorpio in terms of adaptability, even though I am an addict and afraid of change (the fear isn’t real), I thrive on it! It is like a metamorphosis, I have started shedding my cocoon, transforming from a worm into a butterfly – Moving towards light and flight, with freedom to choose.

I shared my 9th step in the love fellowship last night with my incredibly nurturing, wise & gentle sponsor. She was extraordinary. She listened to me, with the literature in front of her and each time something I said would relate to it, she would read something out of the book. I felt totally at one and in alignment with my program and my experience of the 9th was like nothing I have ever experienced before, despite having done it in another fellowship , not too long ago. We went for dinner after and then a meeting for alcoholics. I went to sleep after getting home and didn’t think much more about it.

I pulled out my journal this morning (the same as every other morning) and I started writing. Each paragraph was followed by a little prayer asking God for health, happiness and prosperity for someone I was angry with or to please give me the clarity to express my feelings and not my thinking. Or a prayer to ask God to please help me show up for myself. I have never written like this before, it felt really pure and authentic.

Then I popped into my head for a bit. I got into fantasy around guest sharing tomorrow night. I fantasised about being seen by the object of my obsession, all parts of me. Performing at my best and making people laugh! And when I realised I was escaping into this reality, I stopped myself and started to examine it. See in my head, I am a brilliant comedian. I have done hundreds of stand up shows and brought joy to many people’s lives through laughter, especially the women who I sexualise. I have spent hours and hours each day, practicing stand up… In my head!

In the past I would have judged my thinking or gotten angry with myself for vacating my reality so swiftly, for such a large amount of time. Today I simply looked at it. I started to ask myself, what is the need? What do I really need here? To be seen?… Yes! But how is that ever going to happen if I am not willing to show myself?

Then it was the part on performing and making people laugh, which has been a dream of mine since I was very young. So how do I meet that need? The truth is I am not finding my current reality fulfilling enough to stick around. Something has got to change. Beating myself up about my obsessive thinking it is not going to do anything, so I will approach it like I would a child having a tantrum. Reassurance, until she was ready and in a safe enough space to spit out what she wants and then sit with her and start looking for comedy courses that we can enrol her into. I found a 2 day comedy script writing course on my birthday in October and then a stand up course the month after. Gives me plenty of time to save, enrol and get the dream one step closer to existing out of my head and in my reality.

Doing a creative class was one of my top lines. I did an improv comedy course at the beginning of the year to break the ice. I loved it and the techniques I learnt. It took ever last bit of my courage to even enrol in a course like that. My social anxiety was running rife, but I did it anyway and loved it.  I had to pull out of the final performance though. My fear overwhelmed me, but my dream still lives on. The fire in my belly revolves around my writing and my stories and if I could just learn the tool to construct them in a comedic way and then how to perform them on stage (without the performance anxiety driving me to contemplate ending my life) – I think then, I will have achieved, a lifelong goal.

The rest of this morning was spent doing university work. I took the day off school, so I could hammer out the assignment that was due today. I finished it, but my brain was fried afterwards. I noticed myself drift in and out of thinking. I kept pulling myself back into the room by looking at my feet. Asking what day it is, what is the time and where am I? I would laugh at myself drifting off, even after I had given myself a pep talk and done some heavy breathing exercises. I meditated for half an hour, yet still I was drifting off. Doing assignments really force me into my head, then when I stop I find myself intellectualising everything, even more so than normal. I will have a feeling during meditation and then I will pick it apart with tweezers in my head and totally evacuate the body again hahaha!

I reached out to another member and I shared with her my journaling experience. She asked me who my favourite comedian is. I have many, but Michael Mcintyre is currently sitting on the top of my list. She gave me a few more names to broaden my collection, Kitty Flanagan being one I particularly enjoyed. After watching a number of skits (a great distraction from uni work) I popped into fantasy. This time though, I managed to stop quickly and grab my pen and paper. I wrote under the heading: COMEDY – and there, with a fresh perspective and idea on joke structure, I wrote my first skit. Proud of myself for writing it and totally aware of how I could perform it, I gave gratitude. Thank you God!!!

I have been trying to write things for months now, but nothing ever comes out the way I wanted it to. It interesting, because, just that little bit of action (it’s the willingness actually) – I was able to write like I have never written before. God is doing for me, what I can not do for myself. Right now, I am present and a little bit excited. Shifting from thought into action – A metamorphosis. I am becoming a butterfly!

Gratitude

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I went to a meeting last night and the topic of the “Just For Today” was gratitude. I absolutely love this topic, because, I am constantly walking around looking up, and saying, “Thank you God!”

My life in recovery has been an honest gift. I had such a plan, when I got out of rehab and reintegrated into society. I was so sure that if my life just worked out exactly the way I wanted it to, that I would be happy. My friend got me a t-shirt which said, “God is watching you. May as well make Him laugh” – I think thats exactly what I did making these extravagant plans for my life and the way that I thought it should be. Hahaha I was way off!!!

When I got to Australia, I thought I was going to become a professional showjumper and get married to my girlfriend. Neither one of those things happened and I don’t think I have ever been as happy as I am now… Ever! The idea of the plan, to me, was so exciting, that I simply overlooked the fact that I would phone my mom in tears at least twice a week. I cried myself to sleep many nights. Jumping in front of a moving train seemed like a possible option, many times, and I was getting hugely exploited by some really narcissistic bosses. – Ignorance is bliss. I really had no idea I was unhappy.

A number of things changed, in rapid succession. I found a plethora of different fellowships. An incredible therapist and a job that I had absolutely no idea that I would ever enjoy. I went from being an exploited, aspiring showjumper working 55-65 hour weeks, living so deep in the country, there’s a change in temperature. To being a student, who works as a youth support worker for 20 hours a week, lives in an amazing house in town (with 2 girls – which I never thought I’d do), giving a few pilates classes here and there.

So just a little background: I love to cook. I have been cooking since I was 12 and I used to love catering for parties, for my friends and making a full hangover continental breakfast. Feeding people, feeds my soul! I also love exercise, though I may not always feel motivated to do it. I do try as often as possible, for my own sanity.

Tonight, I am working. I got here earlier and took my client to gym after playing a card game with her and the case manager. We did some interval training on the treadmill and did a pilates class together. After that we walked home and stopped off at the supermarket on the way. Tonight’s recipe was stir fried vegetable and chargrilled honey and spring onion pork cutlets… Together we prepared the dish.  It turned out amazing! We ate dinner together and had a great laugh and here I am rounding off the shift, by lying in bed doing another one of my favourite things and that is writing this blog.

I just can’t believe I get paid to do this. Tonight (and every other night), I am truly grateful. God has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams, but more importantly. God has given me a life worth staying sober for.

More about my Alcoholism

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I remember always trying to steal a few sips of my dad’s drink from a very young age. When I was 10, at his wedding reception, I kept sneaking in a shot here and there, amongst the one’s he gave me. Looking back, I was drunk, but that night I felt ‘nothing’  – I thought I was invincible! Not long after, my dad, my step mom & my sister left the country illegally and left me behind. That same year I started a new school, moved to a new neighbourhood and my mom was never there, because she was too busy working.

I wasn’t popular in primary school, so I used it as an opportunity to recreate myself as a bad ass. I was always the one to instigate the drinking games. I started drinking every weekend. I became a successful show jumper on the one hand and a crazy party girl on the other – The rule was, I was allowed to drink, but not before shows, this was my mom’s way of keeping me in check. Drugs were off the table, because if I tested positive they would strip me of my title. I used to date a lot of boys, because it gave some kind of power. To be liked by them, was to be popular… The truth is I couldn’t even stand them stroking my arm in the cinema… It used to drive me mad!

I learnt the lesson very early that I could repress my feelings of sadness and numb out over the loss over my family, either by keeping myself so busy, that I didn’t have a second to think, or by drinking heavily. I didn’t realise either aided with the loss I was experiencing, at the time. When the days were over and the lights went out, I was left alone with my head. My inner critic would lash me. At first it was loneliness, but as the drinking progressed the shame exploded and I would torment myself with judgement. I spent hours in front of the TV, trying to drown the voices in my head. I had been an insomniac my whole life and it was just getting worse.

My sister ended up coming back after a year, which softened my mom’s opinion about me never being allowed to go and visit my dad. I visited him 3 times, every time, he asked me to stay. I promised him I would when I was 18, when I sold the horses. He passed away from a kidney infection when I was 16 (he had leukaemia and went in for a transplant 7 months after he was diagnosed) – So that day never came. Naturally I was crushed. My whole life dream was smashed and I hated myself for waiting. This paired with being an outsider in the family, sent me over the edge. My mom and my sister used to see eye to eye and gang up on me. I was just deemed the trouble maker. I was an outcast, alone again, standing in a room full of people trying to talk a language nobody understood and being punished for the things I did or didn’t do.

I started bunking a lot of school, not to drink, just to ride and do pilates and veg in front of the television and a lot of the time I used to just miss role call, so that I could go to the subjects I enjoyed and miss the rest. The headmaster called my mom before my finals threatening not to let me write them, because my attendance was so low. Outraged my mom confronted me. So I overdosed on medication. I had to have charcoal and go to a psychologist… The letter from the psych allowed me to write my exams regardless of the fact that I had missed school and I passed averagely.

I used to sneak out on weekends. My mom needed us to knock on the door when we got home, she would go back to sleep once I had knocked, so I would get my friends to wait for me and take me out again, or we would go onto the golf course and continue the party. One night my drink got spiked (I think) and my friends carried me home. I woke up naked in my bed and had no idea how I had gotten there… My mom was fuming! She had stripped off my clothes and thrown me in the shower before putting me to bed. (Why she didn’t take me to the hospital, I don’t know) – anyway, that ended the years of sneaking out quite abruptly.

I ‘came out of the closet’ when I was 18. The truth is I just got caught. My mom said she would have been happier if I had come home with a black man, over a woman… So I was definitely not the poster child for the homophobic, racist family. I had so much shame around being attracted to women, I used to have to drink myself into oblivion before I could even kiss a girl and then when I woke up, I had to drink even more to help me process what kissing girls actually meant to me. I didn’t even know any gay people and I was petrified my friends would reject me. I was a pilates instructor and when I came out to my colleagues, my boss warned me about not saying anything to clients as it might make them uncomfortable.

In short, I lived a double life. I was wild at night, expending my pent up energy on the women I was with at dark and dingy parties or I was the girl next door, who promotes health and wellness, using my best male friends as decoys at weddings and year end functions… It was fucked! Excuse my language, but I am not really sure there is a better way to describe it.

How I drank/used was determined purely on the type of girl I was seeing and what she was into. Desperate to be loved I tried to buy my lovers with extravagant gifts, good times or romantic holidays. I was desperately holding on, because when I was with a girl I could sleep at night. When they left my head would consume me. The end of 2 relationships saw the next 2 suicide attempts. I got so drunk one night, all so I could have the courage to drive my car into a wall. It left me with a compression fracture and a written off Polo. The second I overdosed again. My mom found me and I ended up in ICU for a week before getting into a psych ward. They put me on medication. I lasted 4 days. I was desperate to get out. I tried immigrating to Australia. I ended up in Perth with my family. I ballooned. I put on 13kg, before my fiancé came to get me. This was the same girl who cheated on me 12 times… Naturally she convinced me. We broke up about a month after I got back into the country.

The only thing I prayed about before I went to sleep every night was this, “God please make it end, please make the pain go away. God please let me not wake up in the morning” – I couldn’t sleep and I hated being alone. My mind was brutal and all I could think of was dying. A friend talked me into doing a conscious living course… It was incredible, it arrested the insomnia. I did it as a last resort and it worked. I was free from the negative thinking. I stopped drinking for 4 days during, but had no idea the 2 were linked.

After that the disease just got out of control. The course was great, but I took one thing too literally. That I am God in my universe. I became hellishly arrogant and totally self sufficient. I stopped dating women, grovelling at their feet and just started sleeping around. My partying was getting out of control and I was working as an instructor by day and a bartender by night. I started working the bar, because I was tired of going out and spending all my money on booze and friends, when I could work behind the bar, be the life of the party and walk out with $$ in my pocket. I took heavy drugs to sober me up every time I got drunk. I would get drunk 3-5 times in a night and still managed to pull it off… For a while.

I started oversleeping for clients and eventually I got fired from the studio and the bar job didn’t take long to follow, though I can’t really remember how that ended. My best friend did an intervention on me and pulled me away from my mess of a life, by means of another geographical. The drugs stopped (for a while), I just used to drink. 4 months and my life was back on track, until I reunited with a friend from the past. Enter the 2 year whirlwind that was my life moving backward slowly. I moved back in with my mom at 26 years old and just partied like a hooligan.

Fast forward and it was my last relationship, which brought me to my bottom. The honeymoon period was great, but things got out of hand really quickly. We had been together for a year, but in the last 2 months she started using what I was using and it wasn’t long before we had sold everything to pay for my plane ticket to Australia. Including clothes (which I didn’t even register that I might need hahaha!) – The money was going faster than we could make it and it wasn’t long before I had nothing left, not even a car. I stopped using, but couldn’t put down the alcohol and I most certainly couldn’t keep it below 4 units like my therapist suggested. The fights were dangerous and volatile. Afraid for the danger to my life and hers, I broke down to my therapist, desperate for a solution.

She suggested rehab. I don’t know if it was because of how she said it or if it was where I was at. I just listened for the first time and with the gift of desperation, was willing to do anything, because I had run out of options. I went into rehab drunk, to prove I wasn’t an addict hahaha! I had no idea! I thought I could stop whenever I wanted to, but I could never stop everything all at once. When I got to rehab I realised that for the first time in my life. I had spent 10 years trying to prove that I didn’t have a problem, all to simply mask one addiction with another. Just sitting in the groups and having the councillors explain that normal people don’t black out when they drink. This information was profound! I was like, “They don’t?” – I thought I was doing well if I made it one month without a blackout and I really thought that everybody did it. Hahaha… Whoops!

I realised it then and I have never looked back. I took my last drink 24 March 2015. I have been willing ever since to do whatever is suggested, because I am happy now. I can sleep at night. I have an incredible life. I don’t have to hide behind my lies and I am working through the internalised homophobia. I am really starting to be ok with who I am and in turn am becoming more confident showing that. Don’t get me wrong, there is still so much work to be done, but thanks to 12 step fellowships and some hard core therapy work, I am breaking free from the bonds of addiction and finding myself. That true authentic me, very rarely seen, is coming out of the shadows and shining. I am grateful. The hell is over… I can’t believe it!

Oversexed and Underpaid

 

I have been getting a little too big for my boots I think. I have mentioned it in previous posts, but today I got a real taste of just how bad my sex addiction really is. The beast is caged with no relief… Best not walk too close, you might get your arm bitten off.

I went to a therapy session this morning at 7:45am, with the plans of taking some clients for classes afterwards. My day was going to be hellishly busy, but by the grace of God, it fell apart. Which from a money standpoint wasn’t ideal. After that session, I needed it to though. I was totally over sexed! I am at work now, but I had the whole afternoon to calm myself down. I tried to sleep it off and that didn’t work, so I tried to meditate. After 52 minutes, my heart was still beating through my knees. I never thought I’d say, that I wish it was grief that came up, but it wasn’t. Though we touched on some subjects, which were painful. Around why I have the attachment style that I do, where I believe I am responsible for everyones happiness  and that I feel I can only get love if I perform well. It was actually the sexual arousal and the feelings associated, which I struggled with and to be honest, I am even struggling with now, while writing about it.

So again, with the hopes of bringing the disease out of the darkness and into the light, so that I may suck the life out of it (please God help me hahaha) – I am blogging about it. In the spirit of Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness.

If I have to be 100% honest, I have a lot of shame around this, because the intensity of the sexualising feels quite perverse to me, but I am assured it is natural. In today’s session we touched on a violation that happened when I was a teenager. It was a sexual violation and may contribute to the disassociation when anything happens to me from the waste down. My top half, on the other hand is hyper-stimulated, which means that even looking at somebody touching around their ears, while having the conversation about “hot spots” as my therapist puts it, will keep me activated for hours. It’s crazy! Sensory stimulation overload!!! I almost had to walk out the room today. It was quite confronting and I must say, a little embarrassing. Self-containment was definitely an uphill battle.

I know the disassociation used to happen when I was much younger though, so not sure what that is about and almost too afraid to really find out (I’m sure it will come up eventually). The good news is I made it through the day, managing to abstain from acting out behaviours, that include sex with self. I felt highly stimulated writing this, but luckily a client wanted to do a gym session, which  allowed me the opportunity to blow off some steam and get my serotonin fix that way.

Pandora’s box has been opened and I made it to the end of the day. Thank you God and thanks to this program. 7 months down the track and it is still one day at a time, if not one minute at a time. I am grateful and almost sure the lesson will smack me in the face in the next few days 🙂