Something seriously shifted in me today. I had an experience. In my previous posts I’ve highlighted my impeding program and though I feel the rest was necessary, it left me in a huge amount of pain, with little clarity of how to get out. By cutting down on certain things, I got to experience first hand what has really been working for me with the reintroduction this morning. Step work, therapy work and prayer are simply not enough. Meditation and Morning Pages (A tool in the Artists Way), have been the things that took my recovery to a much deeper level.
I wrote the 3 pages of long hand, like Julia Cameron suggests, after a 20 minute heart chakra meditation. I cried my eyes out (which is totally out of character, because of a rather stoic family conditioning) – There were a number of core beliefs, which came up and the main ones were the feeling of not being good enough and no matter how much I do, it will never be enough for you to love me and choose me. This spurred from a dream I had a couple of nights ago, about a partner leaving me for someone else. I never saw the connection, until I wrote about it this morning. My dad, sister and stepmom left the country when I was 10. I got left behind. This has left an incredibly excruciating wound, which cuts me deep to my core. My mom, struggled with her own demons, indulged in workaholism and disappeared from my life at the same time. This trauma bond has been replaying as the blueprint for every relationship I have ever had. It’s no wonder when a woman chooses me, I immediately fall in ‘love’. There is such a deep longing to be enough for somebody to love and choose me. How I keep recreating it, is I continue to choose unavailable women, who inevitably choose their partner over me (hahaha, God I give myself the worst opportunities, but they seem to be the only women I am attracted to).
The tears were healing and I think a really long time coming. Sometimes the memories are buried so deep for me, I need the dream to trigger them. God works in mysterious ways and I am so grateful for the insight, because slowly everything is starting to fall into place. I have the opportunity to shine the light on my foggy past and finally heal from all of this unprocessed stuff. Breaking free from the chains of addiction one day at a time, unlocking a spirit inside me, ready to fly – I am blessed and so grateful!