I have been on somewhat of a wobbly road lately. I have looked a relapse in the face and somehow managed to avoid it. I’m not out of trouble yet and I am treading hard to stay afloat. I guess you can say I’ve fallen into the river, but I am still holding onto a branch on the bank… Just.
I spent yesterday in complete resistance. I have never felt that way towards program before. I literally was ready to give up. Throw in the towel. Call the girl and act out. I white knuckled yesterday. I didn’t do any step work to get relief, nor did I ask God for any help… The result? I acted out with sex with self, for the first time in 5 months. I justify it by saying I stayed connected with my body and it was a once off and brief, but the truth is a slip, is a slip, is a slip… no matter what the nature.
If I’m honest, I have been on the slippery slope for a month now and denial was lathered on so thick, I pulled the wool over my own eyes. As I work through the “Facing the Shadows” book, I am seeing it clear as day. I am a sex addict through and through and 8 months of sobriety just made me cocky. This disease is so much smarter than me!
This morning I recommitted to my program. I am on the 12th step and after thats done, I will throw myself into the money program, because thats the next issue… not the money, rather my self worth. When I woke up, the last thing I felt like doing was getting up 2 hours earlier to do my morning program, but the truth is, that it has been the only thing keeping me sober and choosing not to do it, is choosing to relapse. I pried myself out of bed. Prayer, meditation, step work, journal and Patrick Carnes workbook… I am proud of myself. Today felt bearable and I managed to refrain from using the whip on myself for yesterday’s slip.
The goal for the week now is to recommit to the exercise routine (this includes yoga) – I need it daily – and there is probably a huge calling for some more relationship recovery meetings. My life has gone seriously off track. Not enough for anybody else to notice, but I started obsessing and stopped living. It’s no wonder I am lonely and searching outside of myself for someone to fill the void. I am recommitting to myself (my wife – that awesome woman I married 3 months ago.) – I got distracted by another woman. I pray to forgive myself and continue the relationship with the person that matters the most – Me.