Almost slipped into the River

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I have spoken before about my addiction to love, or intrigue, rather, being similar to being swept away by a raging river… Turns out Patrick Carnes has the same analogy – I am sure his came long before mine hahaha, but it is funny that the description is identical and I have only just started reading his book “Facing the Shadows”.

I haven’t blogged in a few days and the reason for this, is that I have been in a bit of withdrawal from an intrigue – technically I didn’t slip, but I came pretty darn close and the withdrawal feels just as painful. The only difference, this time,  is that I only paused my life for a little bit and I am back on my feet quite quickly – Thank God!

Having been so swept up in this fantasy with this girl, I lost myself completely. What do I like to do?

  • I love to cook – I couldn’t even spice my nut granola for breakfasts while courting this girl.
  • I love to blog every night – this is my first post in three days.
  • I love comedy – We spoke a lot about comedy while we were intriguing, but it was about shows we wanted to see together and about comedians we enjoyed (which was a massive hook, because I felt supported with my dream to do stand up), but the comedy became more about the motive to flirt than the comedy itself.
  • I love music – she’s a musician, so my world became wrapped up in her music and what she played. What music is she in to and how can I use that to my advantage in the art of seduction – all of a sudden we are talking about sex and music is hardly featuring (it became all about how can I use this music thing, to get what I want –  carefully constructed playlists to set a mood to achieve a desired outcome – manipulation at it’s finest)

My program and my self care went out the window… I stopped showing up for myself and all of a sudden this fear of being alone crept in – I have been single for 16 months and 8 months away from acting out sexually – before this girl, I had absolutely NO problem sitting in silence. All of a sudden I am making phone calls to her to fill the empty space – what is that about?

So how do I cope with this kind of thing? Well, firstly I took a few days off (it is by the grace of God that this happened on a week where I could afford to do that and uni holidays are on for the next 2 weeks). Luckily my fortnightly therapy session fell on day 3 of the process. We could bottom line this new intrigue. I blocked her on social media platforms. We put together a contingency plan should she be at a meeting I’m at (LEAVE! 😉 ) – After the session I went home and took a nap – It was heavenly! I did some work and then decided I wanted to cook.

I spent 5 hours in the kitchen (which for me is my idea of paradise!) – I cooked a Thai red beef curry, but made a vegetarian version with tofu for my flatmate. I found out that if you pressed the tofu and then marinated it, it soaks up flavour much better – The result was delicious – The reward was getting to have dinner with my housemate (carb free I might add, with Cauli-rice as the rice alternative) – She loved it and that is actually what I live for. I put so much love into the food that I cook and to get to give that to someone and see their appreciation and enjoyment is one of my esteemable acts. She made carb free nut bars, which I had the pleasure of enjoying as a treat today.

My therapist gave me the “Facing the Shadows” book and I have been working on that for part of this morning. I am quite triggered, but that is to be expected. Looking at the ways I have acted out sexually is a really good blueprint to make sure I don’t continue to repeat the same behaviour. Aware of how triggering this process can be, I have made plans to see my sponsor tonight and before that I am going to take a bath. As part of my money program I have to shift my budget from driving to using public transport, so that way I will get my walk in too for the day too.

I’m back on track, but fighting hard for my sobriety. 8 months sober and I can still slip as easily as if I was on day 1. This disease is sneaky and much smarter that I could ever hope to be. I am blessed to be on my eleventh step right now, because it is now more than ever that I need God’s help. Working on that relationship everyday is the thing I need to be focused on. One day at a time, one minute at a time. One foot in front of the other. This morning I started by making my bed and the rest followed – This Helped: A little inspiration

One thought on “Almost slipped into the River

  1. “Facing the Shadows” is the first book my husband read in his recovery. My therapist told me not to read it. That it would disturb me. So, I haven’t. One day when I am stronger perhaps.
    I have found many of the recovery books I have read in the last 2 1/2 years to be triggering. And still. It takes me places I don’t want to be, but sometimes it is good for me to be able to recognize my triggers and see the things that still hurt me and haunt me. The things that still need healing. The reminder that I have come far, but I still need to intentionally guard myself. The journey continues.
    I am cheering you on today towards your own victory. It is coming!

    Like

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