Spiritual Sulk

 

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I’ve had a bit of a full on 3 days. I found myself in bed by 8:30pm last night, totally exhausted. I have been experiencing some pretty amazing intrigue. I was in a huge amount of obsession about it, until I threw in the towel and agreed to go on a sober date with her. I calmed down and accepted that it was going to happen and I was going with the intention of discovering the truth. Either I would have gone and bursted the fantasy bubble, or I would have found myself really liking her.

Both options sounded pretty good to me, until I had my therapy session and we spoke about those darn red flags and the fact that I haven’t even come off my training wheels yet in the love department. My therapist suggested I go and that it was simply a date and it was really either going to be all or nothing… We spoke about the fact that this woman only got out of a relationship 4 months ago, which was actually a big red flag for me and secondly she shares a very small 12 step fellowship with me, so if it doesn’t work, there may be some consequences and limitations around which meetings I can go to etc.

I sat through the entire session, convinced I was going to meet her on Saturday to burst the bubble. When I got home I didn’t do much, because the rest of the session was quite confronting and I had been smacked emotionally. I spoke to the girl before going to bed and the conversation was heavenly. She played me a song and I fell asleep totally peaceful. The last part of my dream before I woke up was of me kissing her… It was incredible! It was at that moment (or at least the moment when I woke up) that I realised that if the bubble got burst it would be ideal, but what if it didn’t? I would be in some major trouble!!! If I went out and had a really meaningful date and developed even more feelings there would be absolutely NO way of backing out of it. So despairingly and reluctantly, I called it off. I am angry with myself for doing it and I have to talk myself back into the decision every hour or so, but I know it’s the right thing… The timing is off.

It’s short term pain for long term gain. My therapist has got more of an issue than I do about dating someone in 12 step, what I do have an issue with is the fact that after 4 months, I am probably just the rebound and thats not going to change without some accumulation of time. So I have to hit the pause button. I think I will probably need to date a few people out of fellowship first so I can loose the training wheels before I go stuffing up so close to home.

I say all of this with my arms folded across my chest, like a kid whose just had their toys taken away from them. I was feeling sulky and very sorry for myself. I was doing loads of step work for some relief, but the obsession first thing is really hard to beat. It slips in the door before any program can and I find myself loosing time stuck in the fantasy of what I think will be (which is probably the furtherest thing from the truth). I had to hammer out my step work, pray, write about it and listen for God’s answer. I took my computer out into the kitchen sitting area, I started doing even more step work – Then God decided to come in.

I got a phone call from my team leader. He called to offer me the job that I have been dreaming about, just out of the blue like that. I honestly expressed my excitement and this coming Monday the big boss is going to call me to discuss further. The job is as a case manager. I only started working in the industry 6 months ago and have only just started studying. I got the job I was hoping to get at the end of my diploma now and I didn’t have to do anything to get it. I just had to keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. The universe rewards good actions and God is looking after me when I am sad. I am grateful and lucky and so freaking blessed! A dream life is unfolding in front of my eyes. Sometimes I have to make some really tough decisions, but thats ok, because if I just keep putting myself first God gives me a life beyond my wildest dreams. God gives me a life worth staying sober for.

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