So I have had an interesting day to say the least. When I asked for God’s will this morning as per my 10th step and listened out for it, the only thing that came up was sleep. So I went back to sleep for an hour and when I woke up, I saw that the volunteering I do was cancelled due to bad weather. This was such a blessing as I went straight back to sleep and woke up at 8:30am, which was heavenly.
I got myself into a spin, because after 2 hours of solid program work, I picked up the phone to an intrigue. I spoke to her for an hour and the conversation was funny and cool and something I ended up judging myself on, because “I’m not ready!”. I started having “it’s the end of the world” kind of thinking, as I have wasted my whole day just talking to this woman and obsessing about her, I shouldn’t be doing this and I am in so much trouble! My head was firing thoughts like a machine gun and I felt frantic and a bit ashamed.
Instead of doing what I’ve always done and kept these feelings to myself. I shared it with other members, then my action buddy called me. After listing the actions I had accomplished, despite my intrigue, I was actually quite proud of myself. I kept feeling like I was putting my life on hold, when in actual fact my uni work, program, admin and business card design were all going off… Hell I even typed up the minutes for a new 12 step relationship meeting I have the pleasure of being part of opening. I settled after I had the opportunity to acknowledge my work. Then, as if God was watching, just waiting for the opportune moment. My sponsor called me out of the blue. She wanted to share some of her stuff and because we were a mutual support source for each other, before we commenced with the whole sponsor/sponsee relationship… I was able to hear her out and be her support, while sharing my story and gaining some great insight and guidance.
So the result?… Sober dating! Hahaha!!! I never thought I’d see the day I could say that and actually be happy with the words I am putting down. But what a relief!!! All that frantic energy is gone. It’s like I stopped feeling like I was failing this whole thing and just accepted that this was the end goal anyway. I am not going off to marry this girl. I am just going to meet up every now and again and get to know her. That 8 months of abstinence will give me a good enough perspective on what I want and what I don’t. It’s ok to trust that! And if it gets too much, as per my housemate’s suggestion, I can take a time out. A few days or a week, just to reflect, find myself and reassess.
We’ll go to the park on Saturday and just spend time getting to know each other. Hahaha, feels healthy. I am happy. I was frazzled, I applied program and… Voila! Serenity 😉