I had an absolutely amazing self-care day on Friday. I did everything that I could to set myself up for a wonderful weekend, which I really did have. I met a woman for tea, who does equine assisted therapy and started to build a relationship with her, which I imagine is going to be a mutually beneficial one and long term (Well that’s what it felt like anyway). I guest spoke at an alcoholics meeting and at an addict convention, which was on stage with a microphone and really required that I overcame some serious nerves to shake out my story. I made people laugh, which for me was the biggest gift of all. I really can’t wait to be able to stand up on stage one day and do a comedy act.
So you could say this weekend was taking active steps towards achieving my dreams of becoming a stand up comedian and an equine assisted therapist – I am proud of myself and it is really more God’s success than mine. I never even had the courage to express my dreams on paper, let alone take steps to move towards them. Yet after so much growth and positivity why do I feel raw along my insides today?
I really think it’s hormones, which are making me a little more sensitive than normal, but I was confronted hard with my disease this weekend and it was giving the grandest performance, trying to suck me into self sabotage. I went to the convention and while I didn’t see the girl who qualified me to be in the love addict fellowship, I did see her partner and he was one of the best acts of the night! I felt like God rubbed a little salt in that wound! – I was able to open up to a friend about it the next day and release the pain through my tears, which is something I was never able to do before I got into recovery.
Sitting on top of all of it though, is the thing that I haven’t spoken too much about, which is dangerous. My disease lives in the dark. – I met a woman, not too long ago. She is part of the LGBTIQ community. She is also in the same 12 step fellowships as I am (red flag number one). Her qualifier left the country a measly 2 weeks ago (red flag number two) – and of course, now that we’ve become friends and she’s reciprocated my attraction, I can’t stop thinking about her (which is another major red flag, because I am not sure if I like a person – or do I just like that they like me? because, I am guaranteed they wont reject me) – It’s really messed up.
I have been talking to her everyday and I have been open with my sponsor, other members, my therapist and to her about my feelings. It was my last experience with my friend, when I got totally honest, we brought the disease to the light and we were able to move through it together, despite the fact that the feeling was mutual. We came out on the other side, better friends than ever… I actually called her today when I didn’t know what to do about this girl. Last night, I had a conversation with my newest obsession and she expressed some intrigue had developed on her side too. Her cheeky sense of humor, mixed with her avoidant tendencies, have my stomach doing flick flacks and giggling like a school girl. I am an avoidant, but she brings out my anxious preoccupied “love addict” attachment style for sure and I am honestly struggling to contain myself.
The avoidance makes the energy highly charged, because when things get too close she runs. And because I am rooted in avoidance, I don’t act out on my love addict tendencies and chase her – so what we have is nothing tangible, but you can cut the tension with a knife, it lies so thick between us. I am very aware of her position, but even more aware of mine. I have spent the last 7 months abstinent, putting all of this energy into building my dreams and, as a result, they are starting to manifest. I have this overwhelming fear of loosing myself in a relationship and have sworn to have a year off or at least complete my 12th step, before even considering engaging in another one.
But man it is HARD!!! It’s one thing putting down a drink or a drug, but its a whole different ball game when that drink comes knocking on your door. Then just imagine that drink started to have a bit of a sense of humor and slipped in these smooth one liners, making your insides churn with excitement…. I feel fucked! I feel that feeling of emotionally hungover today, as it explains in step 10 in the 12&12. It also talks about practicing restraint – Right now I am just praying for all the help I can get.
She is a great woman and I know that if I can learn to contain myself through this, I will have the greatest amount of learning, but it is really difficult, when I am the only one playing by the rules. So what is the solution? That is the million dollar question. I will have to wait until Wednesday’s therapy session to find out. What I do know is that it can’t carry on like this. I have to be firmer with my boundaries and hopefully in the process, not loose a valuable friend. Keep working on myself and the program and try not to get distracted.