I have been getting a little too big for my boots I think. I have mentioned it in previous posts, but today I got a real taste of just how bad my sex addiction really is. The beast is caged with no relief… Best not walk too close, you might get your arm bitten off.
I went to a therapy session this morning at 7:45am, with the plans of taking some clients for classes afterwards. My day was going to be hellishly busy, but by the grace of God, it fell apart. Which from a money standpoint wasn’t ideal. After that session, I needed it to though. I was totally over sexed! I am at work now, but I had the whole afternoon to calm myself down. I tried to sleep it off and that didn’t work, so I tried to meditate. After 52 minutes, my heart was still beating through my knees. I never thought I’d say, that I wish it was grief that came up, but it wasn’t. Though we touched on some subjects, which were painful. Around why I have the attachment style that I do, where I believe I am responsible for everyones happiness and that I feel I can only get love if I perform well. It was actually the sexual arousal and the feelings associated, which I struggled with and to be honest, I am even struggling with now, while writing about it.
So again, with the hopes of bringing the disease out of the darkness and into the light, so that I may suck the life out of it (please God help me hahaha) – I am blogging about it. In the spirit of Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness.
If I have to be 100% honest, I have a lot of shame around this, because the intensity of the sexualising feels quite perverse to me, but I am assured it is natural. In today’s session we touched on a violation that happened when I was a teenager. It was a sexual violation and may contribute to the disassociation when anything happens to me from the waste down. My top half, on the other hand is hyper-stimulated, which means that even looking at somebody touching around their ears, while having the conversation about “hot spots” as my therapist puts it, will keep me activated for hours. It’s crazy! Sensory stimulation overload!!! I almost had to walk out the room today. It was quite confronting and I must say, a little embarrassing. Self-containment was definitely an uphill battle.
I know the disassociation used to happen when I was much younger though, so not sure what that is about and almost too afraid to really find out (I’m sure it will come up eventually). The good news is I made it through the day, managing to abstain from acting out behaviours, that include sex with self. I felt highly stimulated writing this, but luckily a client wanted to do a gym session, which allowed me the opportunity to blow off some steam and get my serotonin fix that way.
Pandora’s box has been opened and I made it to the end of the day. Thank you God and thanks to this program. 7 months down the track and it is still one day at a time, if not one minute at a time. I am grateful and almost sure the lesson will smack me in the face in the next few days 🙂