Almost slipped into the River

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I have spoken before about my addiction to love, or intrigue, rather, being similar to being swept away by a raging river… Turns out Patrick Carnes has the same analogy – I am sure his came long before mine hahaha, but it is funny that the description is identical and I have only just started reading his book “Facing the Shadows”.

I haven’t blogged in a few days and the reason for this, is that I have been in a bit of withdrawal from an intrigue – technically I didn’t slip, but I came pretty darn close and the withdrawal feels just as painful. The only difference, this time,  is that I only paused my life for a little bit and I am back on my feet quite quickly – Thank God!

Having been so swept up in this fantasy with this girl, I lost myself completely. What do I like to do?

  • I love to cook – I couldn’t even spice my nut granola for breakfasts while courting this girl.
  • I love to blog every night – this is my first post in three days.
  • I love comedy – We spoke a lot about comedy while we were intriguing, but it was about shows we wanted to see together and about comedians we enjoyed (which was a massive hook, because I felt supported with my dream to do stand up), but the comedy became more about the motive to flirt than the comedy itself.
  • I love music – she’s a musician, so my world became wrapped up in her music and what she played. What music is she in to and how can I use that to my advantage in the art of seduction – all of a sudden we are talking about sex and music is hardly featuring (it became all about how can I use this music thing, to get what I want –  carefully constructed playlists to set a mood to achieve a desired outcome – manipulation at it’s finest)

My program and my self care went out the window… I stopped showing up for myself and all of a sudden this fear of being alone crept in – I have been single for 16 months and 8 months away from acting out sexually – before this girl, I had absolutely NO problem sitting in silence. All of a sudden I am making phone calls to her to fill the empty space – what is that about?

So how do I cope with this kind of thing? Well, firstly I took a few days off (it is by the grace of God that this happened on a week where I could afford to do that and uni holidays are on for the next 2 weeks). Luckily my fortnightly therapy session fell on day 3 of the process. We could bottom line this new intrigue. I blocked her on social media platforms. We put together a contingency plan should she be at a meeting I’m at (LEAVE! 😉 ) – After the session I went home and took a nap – It was heavenly! I did some work and then decided I wanted to cook.

I spent 5 hours in the kitchen (which for me is my idea of paradise!) – I cooked a Thai red beef curry, but made a vegetarian version with tofu for my flatmate. I found out that if you pressed the tofu and then marinated it, it soaks up flavour much better – The result was delicious – The reward was getting to have dinner with my housemate (carb free I might add, with Cauli-rice as the rice alternative) – She loved it and that is actually what I live for. I put so much love into the food that I cook and to get to give that to someone and see their appreciation and enjoyment is one of my esteemable acts. She made carb free nut bars, which I had the pleasure of enjoying as a treat today.

My therapist gave me the “Facing the Shadows” book and I have been working on that for part of this morning. I am quite triggered, but that is to be expected. Looking at the ways I have acted out sexually is a really good blueprint to make sure I don’t continue to repeat the same behaviour. Aware of how triggering this process can be, I have made plans to see my sponsor tonight and before that I am going to take a bath. As part of my money program I have to shift my budget from driving to using public transport, so that way I will get my walk in too for the day too.

I’m back on track, but fighting hard for my sobriety. 8 months sober and I can still slip as easily as if I was on day 1. This disease is sneaky and much smarter that I could ever hope to be. I am blessed to be on my eleventh step right now, because it is now more than ever that I need God’s help. Working on that relationship everyday is the thing I need to be focused on. One day at a time, one minute at a time. One foot in front of the other. This morning I started by making my bed and the rest followed – This Helped: A little inspiration

Consumed

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An addict resides inside my head
She lies, still and dormant, you’d think she’s dead
She pulls the wool and blocks my stare
So cunning and baffling, I forget she’s there

She stuns me with her cloak of denial
My purest of intentions, turn black and vile
It matters not if you are the softest thing
She’ll drag you along, on a string

No part of you bothered to consider
She’ll blow you of for a higher bidder
For a more palatable flavour of the week
Passes you up as tongue-in-cheek

You try to love her – she tries to score
She leaves you bleeding on the floor
My power gone, I am all consumed
My body a shell, she keeps groomed

To seduce you and to get her way
I am insane, to think I have a say
She may be quite, but she is always awake
Waiting, whip in hand for my mistake

I tear through everything trying to run
I cry in a corner – what have I done?
The pain scars the faces of those I hold dear
Who were scorned by my reaction as I tore through in fear

Shaking my head, my hands cover my face
My mind beats me down, “you are a disgrace!”
Shamefully I glance back at all the debris
God please help! This is killing me!

C’mon Australia, Catch up!!!

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If a multicultural college can get behind gay marriage, with students from countries whose core beliefs are relatively homophobic, to say the least. Why can’t the Australian government?

On Saturday (26 August 2017) we will all march in Melbourne for Marriage Equality. Gay People, Lesbian People, Transgender People, Straight People, Intersex People, Bisexual People… We are all just People!!! Why be the breeding ground for discrimination? I can’t help who I am, nor can I help who I love, why should I be punished for it?

Love is Love and People are People… It doesn’t matter what your preference is!

Today, I became my Hero

I have been hormone fuelled, which for me is the time of the month that feels the most uncomfortable, but man is it effective! Just to recap, I have left a job, where I was being exploited and another time, when moved out of the country and into the city all because of my hormones. This instant is no different!

Last week Friday, I got a call from my team leader offering me my dream job (well, my dream for now, but really a job I can not wait to do!) – He offered me a job as a case manager. He said that someone would get in touch this week to confirm details. I got a call, on Monday, from my other team leader to welcome me to the team. She asked me when I would be starting. Still thrilled and on a high, I told her I had no idea, but I would let her know the moment someone contacted me.

A little disheartened, having heard nothing by Tuesday afternoon, I took action. I sent a text to enquire. Something I would never do – I am an underearner, see for me to come out of hiding and potentially upset anyone, is total taboo. (because I feel responsible for people after all 😉 ) I would rather say nothing and just sit with the unknowing. Anyway, after taking the leap of faith, which may seem simple to many, but in my life, it was huge. My manager called – The big boss. She started to outline the job, worked out the days, so it didn’t conflict with my work rights or uni and started to discuss the start date. I was bursting out of my skin with excitement and used every bit of self control to keep my voice from shaking.

Then the topic of pay came up (vomit!!!) – Thanks to some hefty clarity around my finances, having been in a money program for just over 3 months, I had already worked out my hourly rate and knew exactly what I was willing to accept. She offered me a pay rise on the awards scale, but because of the absence of penalty rates that I usually get for working on weekend, it is substantially lower than what I am earning. “But it’s the job you want Nicole, it’s great experience… IT’S A PROMOTION!!!”, “so shut up and take what she is offering!!!” – That was the voice in my head.

It took every once of courage that I had in my bones and all the help from my Higher Power, to say, “Thank you for the offer, but I am not sure that is going to work.”. She was flexible to hearing my part. I asked her to leave it with me for the evening, to see what I could come up with the numbers. I was scared and in a little obsession. I have NEVER stuck up for myself like that before and the feelings of doubt and regret came creeping in. I spent the evening with the numbers, knowing full well that I would have to turn down the offer. I prayed and called her back this morning. I explained that I couldn’t make ends meet on the wage she was offering me and with compassion, she asked me to send through an email with what we had discussed, so that she could see what she could do.

She sent me an email offering me a higher rate, but it was still not enough. It was flattering, but the clarity on numbers and the commitment to not under earn one day at a time, is embedded in my being right  now. Do I hope she comes back and meets me on the other side? Hell Yeah!!! I would love the job! But a girl’s gotta eat… I asked for what I needed and the rest is in God’s hands. The victory is that I asked… I took a proactive step to changing the way I have behaved, my whole life. That is what recovery is about. I showed up for me. I became my own hero. I became the kind of person I used to watch negotiate and admire for speaking their truth. The outcome is just a byproduct – Leaping off the cliff in faith – it is there, where the success lies.

Had to use the “Power Pose’ outlined in this TEDtalk. Amy Cuddy‘s method really works. Try it. I dare you! 😉

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Addict Uncovered

If you have been following previous posts, you are well aware of the struggle I have been having with intrigue. I have been yoyo-ing back and fourth for several days, about whether or not I should try going on a sober date or if I should just run for the hills. After much contemplation, I decided to run, for fear of loosing control of myself. Being the all or nothing kind of girl that I am, not only did I run away. I asked to cut contact. She respected my boundary, which I was really grateful for, because I was really kicking and screaming setting that one and battling to hold it in place.

We managed to last 3 days. I went to a meeting last night and she was there. I found it impossible to stop looking at her. So at the end of the meeting when her friend invited me to join them for dinner, naturally all resistance crumbled. I said yes and four us embarked on a Japanese experience, where the conversation flowed beautifully and the sexual tension was laid on thick between us. When the night was over I was left totally stimulated and salivating. So naturally I did the ‘responsible’ thing when I got home… I called her! (Hahaha! Bloody hell!!!)

We spoke on the phone for 2 hours and the conversation got really heated at many points. I was engrossed and totally entertaining the sexual intrigue. I was loving it! And hugely ashamed at the same time (typical of my addict behaviour) – I was frazzled by the end and was practically kissing my sobriety goodbye, when she asked me a question that changed EVERYTHING!  She said to me, “I really want to get to know you Nicole. Do you want to get to know me?” – I felt choked up and searched my brain for an answer… I let out a little giggle as I realised, I had no fucking idea! The only thing that was on my mind was sex! Asking me if I wanted to get to know her was as baffling to me, as asking, “What is the meaning of life?” – Hahahaha… Who Knows?!? – Not me!

It sounds crude and degrading and I really mean no disrespect to this woman, she is pretty cool, I think? 🙂 … It was in that moment and through that realisation of not knowing, that the fantasy was shattered and in front of me standing clear as day I saw my addict self. The light shinning brightly on every conversation we had ever had. How they were laced with ulterior motives and impure intentions. They were all driven by sex and seduction. I was delusional!

Now that I have seen my addict self and I am no longer consumed by her, I agreed to meet this woman for coffee. We went with the purpose of getting to know one another… I must say, it is truly amazing how little substance conversations have without intrigue. I feel like I am learning how to talk, it felt so unnatural – like, you have to think of questions and shit… and what do I really want to know? Smooth pick up lines slip out so easily, whereas this felt like stage fright at a comedy festival… awkward and uncomfortable!

So I’d like to say thank you, God! My Higher Power did for me what I could not do for myself. I was able to move through the fear and instead of being left deprived and wanting, I found myself in a situation that was simply was nowhere near as glamorous as the one I had built up in my head. The bubble has been burst and I am left with reality in all its imperfection… It’s Amazing! The truth has set me free – and I even learnt a little more about me today. Winning!

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Spiritual Sulk

 

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I’ve had a bit of a full on 3 days. I found myself in bed by 8:30pm last night, totally exhausted. I have been experiencing some pretty amazing intrigue. I was in a huge amount of obsession about it, until I threw in the towel and agreed to go on a sober date with her. I calmed down and accepted that it was going to happen and I was going with the intention of discovering the truth. Either I would have gone and bursted the fantasy bubble, or I would have found myself really liking her.

Both options sounded pretty good to me, until I had my therapy session and we spoke about those darn red flags and the fact that I haven’t even come off my training wheels yet in the love department. My therapist suggested I go and that it was simply a date and it was really either going to be all or nothing… We spoke about the fact that this woman only got out of a relationship 4 months ago, which was actually a big red flag for me and secondly she shares a very small 12 step fellowship with me, so if it doesn’t work, there may be some consequences and limitations around which meetings I can go to etc.

I sat through the entire session, convinced I was going to meet her on Saturday to burst the bubble. When I got home I didn’t do much, because the rest of the session was quite confronting and I had been smacked emotionally. I spoke to the girl before going to bed and the conversation was heavenly. She played me a song and I fell asleep totally peaceful. The last part of my dream before I woke up was of me kissing her… It was incredible! It was at that moment (or at least the moment when I woke up) that I realised that if the bubble got burst it would be ideal, but what if it didn’t? I would be in some major trouble!!! If I went out and had a really meaningful date and developed even more feelings there would be absolutely NO way of backing out of it. So despairingly and reluctantly, I called it off. I am angry with myself for doing it and I have to talk myself back into the decision every hour or so, but I know it’s the right thing… The timing is off.

It’s short term pain for long term gain. My therapist has got more of an issue than I do about dating someone in 12 step, what I do have an issue with is the fact that after 4 months, I am probably just the rebound and thats not going to change without some accumulation of time. So I have to hit the pause button. I think I will probably need to date a few people out of fellowship first so I can loose the training wheels before I go stuffing up so close to home.

I say all of this with my arms folded across my chest, like a kid whose just had their toys taken away from them. I was feeling sulky and very sorry for myself. I was doing loads of step work for some relief, but the obsession first thing is really hard to beat. It slips in the door before any program can and I find myself loosing time stuck in the fantasy of what I think will be (which is probably the furtherest thing from the truth). I had to hammer out my step work, pray, write about it and listen for God’s answer. I took my computer out into the kitchen sitting area, I started doing even more step work – Then God decided to come in.

I got a phone call from my team leader. He called to offer me the job that I have been dreaming about, just out of the blue like that. I honestly expressed my excitement and this coming Monday the big boss is going to call me to discuss further. The job is as a case manager. I only started working in the industry 6 months ago and have only just started studying. I got the job I was hoping to get at the end of my diploma now and I didn’t have to do anything to get it. I just had to keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. The universe rewards good actions and God is looking after me when I am sad. I am grateful and lucky and so freaking blessed! A dream life is unfolding in front of my eyes. Sometimes I have to make some really tough decisions, but thats ok, because if I just keep putting myself first God gives me a life beyond my wildest dreams. God gives me a life worth staying sober for.

Sober Dating Hey?

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So I have had an interesting day to say the least. When I asked for God’s will this morning as per my 10th step and listened out for it, the only thing that came up was sleep. So I went back to sleep for an hour and when I woke up, I saw that the volunteering I do was cancelled due to bad weather. This was such a blessing as I went straight back to sleep and woke up at 8:30am, which was heavenly.

I got myself into a spin, because after 2 hours of solid program work, I picked up the phone to an intrigue. I spoke to her for an hour and the conversation was funny and cool and something I ended up judging myself on, because “I’m not ready!”. I started having “it’s the end of the world” kind of thinking, as I have wasted my whole day just talking to this woman and obsessing about her, I shouldn’t be doing this and I am in so much trouble! My head was firing thoughts like a machine gun and I felt frantic and a bit ashamed.

Instead of doing what I’ve always done and kept these feelings to myself. I shared it with other members, then my action buddy called me. After listing the actions I had accomplished, despite my intrigue, I was actually quite proud of myself. I kept feeling like I was putting my life on hold, when in actual fact my uni work, program, admin and business card design were all going off… Hell I even typed up the minutes for a new 12 step relationship meeting I have the pleasure of being part of opening. I settled after I had the opportunity to acknowledge my work. Then, as if God was watching, just waiting for the opportune moment. My sponsor called me out of the blue. She wanted to share some of her stuff and because we were a mutual support source for each other, before we commenced with the whole sponsor/sponsee relationship… I was able to hear her out and be her support, while sharing my story and gaining some great insight and guidance.

So the result?… Sober dating! Hahaha!!! I never thought I’d see the day I could say that and actually be happy with the words I am putting down. But what a relief!!! All that frantic energy is gone. It’s like I stopped feeling like I was failing this whole thing and just accepted that this was the end goal anyway. I am not going off to marry this girl. I am just going to meet up every now and again and get to know her. That 8 months of abstinence will give me a good enough perspective on what I want and what I don’t. It’s ok to trust that! And if it gets too much, as per my housemate’s suggestion, I can take a time out. A few days or a week, just to reflect, find myself and reassess.

We’ll go to the park on Saturday and just spend time getting to know each other. Hahaha, feels healthy. I am happy. I was frazzled, I applied program and… Voila! Serenity 😉

Intrigue Intense

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I had an absolutely amazing self-care day on Friday. I did everything that I could to set myself up for a wonderful weekend, which I really did have. I met a woman for tea, who does equine assisted therapy and started to build a relationship with her, which I imagine is going to be a mutually beneficial one and long term (Well that’s what it felt like anyway). I guest spoke at an alcoholics meeting and at an addict convention, which was on stage with a microphone and really required that I overcame some serious nerves to shake out my story. I made people laugh, which for me was the biggest gift of all. I really can’t wait to be able to stand up on stage one day and do a comedy act.

So you could say this weekend was taking active steps towards achieving my dreams of becoming a stand up comedian and an equine assisted therapist – I am proud of myself and it is really more God’s success than mine. I never even had the courage to express my dreams on paper, let alone take steps to move towards them. Yet after so much growth and positivity why do I feel raw along my insides today?

I really think it’s hormones, which are making me a little more sensitive than normal, but I was confronted hard with my disease this weekend and it was giving the grandest performance, trying to suck me into self sabotage. I went to the convention and while I didn’t see the girl who qualified me to be in the love addict fellowship, I did see her partner and he was one of the best acts of the night! I felt like God rubbed a little salt in that wound! – I was able to open up to a friend about it the next day and release the pain through my tears, which is something I was never able to do before I got into recovery.

Sitting on top of all of it though, is the thing that I haven’t spoken too much about, which is dangerous. My disease lives in the dark. – I met a woman, not too long ago. She is part of the LGBTIQ community. She is also in the same 12 step fellowships as I am (red flag number one). Her qualifier left the country a measly 2 weeks ago (red flag number two) – and of course, now that we’ve become friends and she’s reciprocated my attraction, I can’t stop thinking about her (which is another major red flag, because I am not sure if I like a person – or do I just like that they like me? because, I am guaranteed they wont reject me) – It’s really messed up.

I have been talking to her everyday and I have been open with my sponsor, other members, my therapist and to her about my feelings. It was my last experience with my friend, when I got totally honest, we brought the disease to the light and we were able to move through it together, despite the fact that the feeling was mutual. We came out on the other side, better friends than ever… I actually called her today when I didn’t know what to do about this girl. Last night, I had a conversation with my newest obsession and she expressed some intrigue had developed on her side too. Her cheeky sense of humor, mixed with her avoidant tendencies, have my stomach doing flick flacks and giggling like a school girl. I am an avoidant, but she brings out my anxious preoccupied “love addict” attachment style for sure and I am honestly struggling to contain myself.

The avoidance makes the energy highly charged, because when things get too close she runs. And because I am rooted in avoidance, I don’t act out on my love addict tendencies and chase her – so what we have is nothing tangible, but you can cut the tension with a knife, it lies so thick between us. I am very aware of her position, but even more aware of mine. I have spent the last 7 months abstinent, putting all of this energy into building my dreams and, as a result, they are starting to manifest. I have this overwhelming fear of loosing myself in a relationship and have sworn to have a year off or at least complete my 12th step, before even considering engaging in another one.

But man it is HARD!!! It’s one thing putting down a drink or a drug, but its a whole different ball game when that drink comes knocking on your door. Then just imagine that drink started to have a bit of a sense of humor and slipped in these smooth one liners,  making your insides churn with excitement…. I feel fucked! I feel that feeling of emotionally hungover today, as it explains in step 10 in the 12&12. It also talks about practicing restraint – Right now I am just praying for all the help I can get.

She is a great woman and I know that if I can learn to contain myself through this, I will have the greatest amount of learning, but it is really difficult, when I am the only one playing by the rules. So what is the solution? That is the million dollar question. I will have to wait until Wednesday’s therapy session to find out. What I do know is that it can’t carry on like this. I have to be firmer with my boundaries and hopefully in the process, not loose a valuable friend. Keep working on myself and the program and try not to get distracted.

Self Care is a Top line!

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I’m sitting in my car writing this on my phone. Didn’t know if I was going to get time tonight, but I have come to meet a newcomer who is running an hour late – just a little time to kill 😉

I am about to guest speak at an LGBTIQ meeting and I am feeling a little nervous and excited. Listening to Joy FM playing a ABBA and queen has put a huge smile on my face, love the oldies! Today has honestly been the nicest day. I have just shown up for myself in every way possible.

This morning I satarted my practice of the 10th step from the big book pg86. I asked for God’s will… listened… and came up with a massage, yoga, a walk and cleaning my car. So that’s what I set out to do. Normally if I have a day off, I feel so guilty about not doing enough or working hard enough, but today, something was different. Maybe because it was more God’s success than mine.

The yoga practice was heavenly. Really focused on bringing me back into my body and noticing myself. Using my breath to anchor me into the present moment. I went into a deep hip stretch and this soul touching piano piece started playing in the background – I broke into tears (for my usually dry eyes, this was a surprise, considering I struggle to cry on my own in my room and I dare not do it in public- it was only 4 tears, which for me is a full on balling)

I walked to the yoga studio, then after walked to a Thai massage pallor to do a full body massage for an hour. The masseuse was brilliant and really nailed the pressure points. I popped into the supermarket on the way home and instead of picking up the usual chicken to make schnitzels. I grabbed Tuscan kale and some onions and went home to make a vego omelette with tomato, basil, kale and pecorino… Delish!!! My housemate got home from work early, so I did what I do best and love to do the most… and I fed her 🙂

I went out bought some salmon to sous vide and washed my car on the way home. I cooked the the salmon and got ready and here I am. Today was simple, but absolutely sublime! I feel loved and nurtured. I found it within too and that’s the best part about it. I was the best wife I could be to me today, because I could have easily have gone home after work and just jumped into bed and ignored my needs. Instead I showed up for me. Nothing was to pricey and there was nothing I felt I didn’t deserve. There was no guilt, instead there was love and gratitude. Thank you God!

Becoming a Butterfly

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Have I had a spiritual awakening? I wonder… There has definitely been a shift, which is my favourite part of this whole recovery thing. I am a true Scorpio in terms of adaptability, even though I am an addict and afraid of change (the fear isn’t real), I thrive on it! It is like a metamorphosis, I have started shedding my cocoon, transforming from a worm into a butterfly – Moving towards light and flight, with freedom to choose.

I shared my 9th step in the love fellowship last night with my incredibly nurturing, wise & gentle sponsor. She was extraordinary. She listened to me, with the literature in front of her and each time something I said would relate to it, she would read something out of the book. I felt totally at one and in alignment with my program and my experience of the 9th was like nothing I have ever experienced before, despite having done it in another fellowship , not too long ago. We went for dinner after and then a meeting for alcoholics. I went to sleep after getting home and didn’t think much more about it.

I pulled out my journal this morning (the same as every other morning) and I started writing. Each paragraph was followed by a little prayer asking God for health, happiness and prosperity for someone I was angry with or to please give me the clarity to express my feelings and not my thinking. Or a prayer to ask God to please help me show up for myself. I have never written like this before, it felt really pure and authentic.

Then I popped into my head for a bit. I got into fantasy around guest sharing tomorrow night. I fantasised about being seen by the object of my obsession, all parts of me. Performing at my best and making people laugh! And when I realised I was escaping into this reality, I stopped myself and started to examine it. See in my head, I am a brilliant comedian. I have done hundreds of stand up shows and brought joy to many people’s lives through laughter, especially the women who I sexualise. I have spent hours and hours each day, practicing stand up… In my head!

In the past I would have judged my thinking or gotten angry with myself for vacating my reality so swiftly, for such a large amount of time. Today I simply looked at it. I started to ask myself, what is the need? What do I really need here? To be seen?… Yes! But how is that ever going to happen if I am not willing to show myself?

Then it was the part on performing and making people laugh, which has been a dream of mine since I was very young. So how do I meet that need? The truth is I am not finding my current reality fulfilling enough to stick around. Something has got to change. Beating myself up about my obsessive thinking it is not going to do anything, so I will approach it like I would a child having a tantrum. Reassurance, until she was ready and in a safe enough space to spit out what she wants and then sit with her and start looking for comedy courses that we can enrol her into. I found a 2 day comedy script writing course on my birthday in October and then a stand up course the month after. Gives me plenty of time to save, enrol and get the dream one step closer to existing out of my head and in my reality.

Doing a creative class was one of my top lines. I did an improv comedy course at the beginning of the year to break the ice. I loved it and the techniques I learnt. It took ever last bit of my courage to even enrol in a course like that. My social anxiety was running rife, but I did it anyway and loved it.  I had to pull out of the final performance though. My fear overwhelmed me, but my dream still lives on. The fire in my belly revolves around my writing and my stories and if I could just learn the tool to construct them in a comedic way and then how to perform them on stage (without the performance anxiety driving me to contemplate ending my life) – I think then, I will have achieved, a lifelong goal.

The rest of this morning was spent doing university work. I took the day off school, so I could hammer out the assignment that was due today. I finished it, but my brain was fried afterwards. I noticed myself drift in and out of thinking. I kept pulling myself back into the room by looking at my feet. Asking what day it is, what is the time and where am I? I would laugh at myself drifting off, even after I had given myself a pep talk and done some heavy breathing exercises. I meditated for half an hour, yet still I was drifting off. Doing assignments really force me into my head, then when I stop I find myself intellectualising everything, even more so than normal. I will have a feeling during meditation and then I will pick it apart with tweezers in my head and totally evacuate the body again hahaha!

I reached out to another member and I shared with her my journaling experience. She asked me who my favourite comedian is. I have many, but Michael Mcintyre is currently sitting on the top of my list. She gave me a few more names to broaden my collection, Kitty Flanagan being one I particularly enjoyed. After watching a number of skits (a great distraction from uni work) I popped into fantasy. This time though, I managed to stop quickly and grab my pen and paper. I wrote under the heading: COMEDY – and there, with a fresh perspective and idea on joke structure, I wrote my first skit. Proud of myself for writing it and totally aware of how I could perform it, I gave gratitude. Thank you God!!!

I have been trying to write things for months now, but nothing ever comes out the way I wanted it to. It interesting, because, just that little bit of action (it’s the willingness actually) – I was able to write like I have never written before. God is doing for me, what I can not do for myself. Right now, I am present and a little bit excited. Shifting from thought into action – A metamorphosis. I am becoming a butterfly!