Building Esteem

So AMAZING night!!! Interesting day too… I was up at 4:45am and got home at 7:30pm – so it was a bit of a killer and I am so grateful I only really have to do 2 days of that for 2 weeks. I woke up this morning excited and made my way to do some volunteer work at RDA (Esteemable act 1) – The work wasn’t with clients this morning, but I got to work three lovely horses and had a load of fun doing it. I find that work quite creative. Later I drove to the actual paid work and my energy was totally sucked out of me. Talk about something not serving me.

After an incredibly nurturing call with my action partner. I went for lunch at “il caffé” in Woodend and you could just taste that the food was made with love. This rejuvenated my soul a little, which was really necessary. I went into the estate agents office to get the lease signed into my old housemates name, as I have moved already and forgot to organise the paperwork earlier – whoops! The woman working at the desk saw me in my riding gear and asked me about it. We got into a bit of chit chat and it turns out I know her husband – I started telling her my plans and dreams to do Equine Assisted Therapy and I got such a warm response. It just sparked my passion up again, which put me in a great space to go to the job that is draining my life – so thanks for that one God!

When I got to work and I interacted with my boss for a while, the penny dropped. The reason I hate the job so much, is because she does it for image and not for love. She is pushing through two sprained ankles, just so she can hunt on the weekend, but her body gave up half way through the first ride. She takes her pain and frustration out on the horses and it just doesn’t sit well with me. I said a prayer for her and I just tried to let it go. Something really relevant came into my consciousness thanks  to the awful experience and that is that I can now understand why my core belief around money is so distorted.

Since I was young, being in the riding world, I have always been exposed to very pretentious people. Money means everything to them and defines their self image. I resented this, in my stand for authenticity, but more so for the rights of the animals they so easily abused, just to get that 1st prize rosette. I was ranked highly on the junior circuit in South Africa and my friend said to me if I wanted to get into the provincial team, all I had to do was make friends with the right people. I thought this was ludicrous, because how could I make friends with people I didn’t like and what ever happened to getting onto a team, because you are good? I rejected the system then and I reject it today, because no matter how much money you have, it doesn’t give you the right to treat an animal poorly.

My view: “Rich people – Pretentious, nasty, cruel to animals, will do anything to get ahead and don’t care about anybody but themselves” – No wonder I reject money and the idea of being rich!!! – I don’t want to be like that! So back to possession consciousness – let go of the people that don’t serve me (or my core belief in this instant) to make room for a new energy, My money sponsor and my love sponsor are those wealthy women, who give back. They give through service to other and work toward empowering women and helping them to recover. I listen to them and I am in awe. It is amazing how humble they are and yet so wealthy. The people I do the volunteer work for have amazing energy and love for the horses and the woman who signed me up has so much money, but you could never tell, she is just so humble.

Getting rid of the people who don’t bring the light out in me, is an exercise I refuse to engage in. I deserve better and if I am going to change my beliefs about things and behaviour around love and money, I am going to make dam sure that I surround myself with people who can show me how it’s done in a kind, loving and gentle way.

I got home after the crazy day. I came off a pony at work and hit the ground quite hard. I stopped at the shop on the way and got some really nice muscle soak, pumped to try out my new bath. It was incredible! My housemate, seeing me after bath stoned, decided she wanted to try one. She hadn’t bathed in 15 year. I suggested candle, so she found some and the moment that really made my night was walking up to the bathroom while she was running the bath and seeing the HUGE smile on her face after testing the candles with the light off… She looked so blissfully happy! I giggled about it a few times after and I am writing this with a big smile on my face – I feel like I enriched her life (esteemable act 2) – Grateful! So so so grateful!!!

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Money Drunk

I had an absolutely incredible day today. It was my first day off in ages. I finished an overnight shift and I just took myself shopping. I realise my compulsive spending has flared up since I moved. I am trying to externally fix an internal problem. I refuse to beat myself up about it, because it is all about gaining awareness first, then working a program to live in the solution. I am reading a book, “Money Drunk, Money Sober” by Julia Cameron and Mark Bryan. It’s really interesting as I identify as a compulsive spender, big deal chaser, cash codependent, poverty addict and maintenance money drunk – It just depends on where I am at in my life. I am going to read another chapter before bed tonight, because I told my action buddy I would and I am now in the part of the book, where the recovery begins.

Tonight I spoke to my mom… It’s really interesting, because I have changed so much in our conversations. Firstly it feels a little more two sided, before I just used to talk at her. The compulsive need to prove and the need for her approval has completely left me, which is a massive shift. I feel very tight in my throat afterwards though and I am not sure what that is about. I know its not an energy resonating thing, because thats a different feeling, but I know the nature of the conversation was difficult at one point. I spoke about my connection to the LGBTIQ community again and that conversation is never easy with my mom, despite her best efforts to be open minded, Tonight’s conversation about it flowed alot more easily and I feel like we are finally able to talk about a side of me that I have kept so shut away from her, because of this huge fear of making her uncomfortable.

The work I have been doing on myself is really paying off and I have the opportunity to live such a fulfilling life, it really is quite something. To try to settle myself today, in the whole disorientation of moving, I decided to go for a run. I ran and felt free and amazing and just kept going for 8km until I hit the beach. It was beautiful and I got to look at the ocean in it’s brilliance and I could just appreciate the moment. I walked backed home. I turned the music off and just allowed myself some quiet time walking. It was hugely grounding, but after about 4km I started to get cold and irritated, so I splurged on new headphones and a screen cover. These things were both very necessary as the fine for talking while driving or the cost of a new screen would be damaging to my pocket, but even so – The purchase was done so quickly and with zip zero spirituality.

Before I make a purchase, in future, I would just like to check in with myself, see how I am doing and if it feels right. Instead I feel pressured by the store assistant, don’t want to look like I can’t afford things, so I just make the payment without even blinking an eye, with no consideration or thought what so ever. I feel shame when I buy things and shame when I don’t, it’s a bit of a catch 22 for me.

So there’s my dilemma. In the spirit of living in the solution and not the problem, I am going to do my time plan for the week, message my grateful list to my action buddy and read a chapter – One foot in front of the other.

Found another little Gem

Just moved into my new home today and the place has just got such an amazing feel to it. I am already filling up my week, which is dangerous… I am a time drunk. I think this is the motivation I need to do my time plan… It needs to happen, otherwise I’ll make all the time in the world for everyone else, but none for myself.

I worked this morning, moved and now I am at work again – Feeling rather buggered! Some HALT’s (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired) coming into play, so naturally I start sexualising my friend again – Hahaha, this disease never sleeps. I am looking forward to the meeting tomorrow. I should be able to get to a meeting every second night this week, which is just so freaking awesome!

Listened to an amazing speaker on this recovery 2.0 conference – Meadow Devor – Amazing way to look at my relationship with money. I realise that I am as avoidant with money as I am with women and my fear of abandonment comes up with it, so I reject it before it can reject me. It’s that whole fear fantasy and fear projection defect that comes up. I am a strong manifestor, so I need to watch my thinking around things – too much thinking and not enough trusting that my Higher Power will look after me

I am grateful for this new found awareness, everything I have been given and the spiritual awakenings.

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Hunt – Pray

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To be honest, I have been lying here for a while wanting to write this, but tonight I just felt like checking out. I packed up my whole life today (again!) and when I empty the space around me, I feel I need to be 100% fulfilled inside, not to feel completely empty. It’s that whole in the soul thing, us addicts experience… While I have done a really good job in the last two weeks of showing up for myself, self-validating and fulfilment – Today I found myself searching. Did I want to compromise and connect with people that didn’t serve me, all for the sake of connection? Yes… but I abstained and I was left sitting with myself.

So how do I feel? Firstly I went into obsession over finances hahaha… the gifts of working a financial program and taking record of my numbers, it didn’t take very long to arrest the fear (because based on my expenses, I have nothing to be afraid about – today I have that clarity) – so with that obsession stopped in its track, I checked in with myself. It felt like anxiety, but what I think it is, is excitement, (very easily confused the two of those) – Uncomfortable with that feeling, I started to facebook stalk a girl who has invited me to a gig next Wednesday. I tried to look up another girl too, who I have started to connect with, but couldn’t find her online – In short – I am hunting!

I am not even allowed to date for another 6 months, so why even go there? Anything is better than sitting with the feeling. I am an addict – I am afraid of change! These poor girls are just victims of my misplaced sexualisation, because I will focus on anything, but myself (It doesn’t matter who they are, as long as we can engage). I am self-abandoning, because I am overwhelmed with the feeling. In tonight’s blog, I don’t have a profound message. I am going to pray and meditate and explore this feeling. Every feeling has a life span, like a flame, eventually it will burn out. Tonight I will have tea with my emotions. That is all I can do.

My Dream Unfolds

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It has just been such a beautiful day. I just feel absolutely in line with what the universe wants for me right now. If you had asked me 6 months ago where I would ideally be in 6 months it would have looked completely different and had I explained to myself what I would be doing, I would have thought my life as it is now, would be totally unfulfilling. Oh how wrong I can be! 🙂

6 months ago, if you asked me what community service is, I would have told you: “It’s what you do when you mess up really badly and exempt from jail, you have to do community service”. If you had said, “You are going to be working with youths and children and do really well with them”. I would have told you that you must be smoking some good shit to believe that that would even be possible – I don’t like kids. If you told me that I would be doing therapy, I would have responded simply, that 12 step is all the therapy I need… Oh how wrong I can be!

If you told me I would have a group of women supporting me, who lived in Melbourne, just waiting for me to move closer to them. I would have denied that it was even possible, because 6 months ago I could hardly string a sentence together with a woman, the way I sexualised them made me so uncomfortable. Hahaha, if you had told me that I had a traumatic childhood, I would fob you off as being dramatic, as my childhood, I believed, was one many would deem perfect. Here’s the big one – If you had told me 6 months ago that the work I was going to do with horses was on the ground, using them as partners in therapy instead of the olympics in a showjumping arena on their backs. That would have been the end of the conversation, because back then anything but that outcome was acceptable… Oh how I have changed!

I got onto a horse yesterday and took him around a showjumping track… I got him to jump and I feel like I accomplished something, but it felt really hollow, which is unbelievable for me. Doing this for work, with the expectation of results made it an even harder pill to swallow… What I stopped to consider were the horses feelings and more so mine, because is this what I really want? Here I have the opportunity to build a relationship with this animal, but there is an expectation, which just puts the whole experience under pressure. Riding stopped being about freedom and love of connection, but became something I judged myself very harshly on and because I do this as a profession, I felt ashamed when I was unable to achieve results and it became more about me not feeling good enough. My dream of being in the olympics one day is pretty gloomy.

So lets examine this: What is the dream? To compete in the olympics? – If it felt anything like yesterday’s ride – Hell No! For me it has always been, building such a bond, relationship and trust with a horse that we inspire each other to do anything, when it comes to jumping – giving the horse confidence and courage to take on any fence – Now that’s more like it! – That I can do  – The olympics would just be the cherry on top. Definitely not the end goal.

I had the most profound experience on Monday. A friend of a friend, does Equine Assisted Therapy (EAT) and agreed to do a very laid back session with me, to give me an idea of what it is all about. In my life I have never experienced something so profound. I saw my attachment styles play out in front of me like I was a third person, watching my life as a movie, with three actors (the horses) – Sound nuts? It IS!!! I have no idea how it works, but it is truly magical and something I would so LOVE to do. My new housemate has contacts in Geelong, waiting for me to move in with her, to extend the invitation for me to join them, to get involved in 12 step recovery using EAT model – Thanks for that one God – I am having to pinch myself.

Life has a series of highs and lows. The idea for me is, the same way I don’t get swept up in the drama, instead to just become the observer and witness the storm and chaos going on around me. This rings true in the excitement as well. I can calmly watch as all these magical things happen around me and I can make the choice not to get swept up in it. I am staying close to God and praying for God to keep me close. I am doing everything to stay in my body and present and to go with what feels right, because God’s will is not my best thinking, God’s will is what I feel intuitively, but I can’t quite explain. That is where the trust happens.

I just feel so liberated. I have the pleasure of addressing the LGBTIQ human rights issue, the road to marriage equality in Australia as part of a University group project. Just an opportunity to learn about the struggles and get in touch with my sexuality as part of the course I am doing… It’s mad! Everything I am doing is just so inspiring and I am having the best time doing it. I connected with the relationship fellowship based in the UK earlier and I just felt so at home. I was able to do some service and give back and confidently at that. 6 months ago I was a shivering, nervous wreck, who was too afraid to even try things, for the simple fear of failure. Today I am thriving. I am grateful. I love my life. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams and this is only the beginning,,,

Women – Inspiring, Supportive, Funny!

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I need to express my gratitude today. The women in my life are absolutely incredible. I am blessed, I feel supported and I’m not alone. I wrote, in a previous post, about possession consciousness and about light energy and choosing to only engage with those who bring my light energy to the surface. This has been a profound shift and for a week and a half I have really been able to stand in my power as a result of.

It is through doing many programs where I have had the privilege of finding some of the most amazing strength in recovery. In the relationship fellowship my first sponsor was 15 years clean, my second sponsor 15 years sober and my current sponsor has 4 years up, but she is just a shinning light in recovery – she embodies everything I would like to be. She is vibrant, courageous, surrounded by strength and lives recovery… Not to mention so nurturing and I believe connected with me on some kind of soul level. I have made outreach calls with some women, who just continue to support and inspire me. I have an action buddy, who I speak to daily, who has time up in a number of different areas and she just keeps me on track. Then to top it all off, this morning I spoke to my sponsor in the money fellowship. She has been sober for 15 years, has years up in the relationship fellowship. She has been in the financial fellowship for years and she just oozes wisdom. She is connected and flying at the moment and just pure joy to listen to.

I am blessed! God’s gentle hand, is holding me and cradling my spirit with the love and the nurture I am currently experiencing. Life is a gift and these women have been the givers… I must be doing something right to be surrounded by such awesomeness!

I had a crazy, intense therapy session on Friday… I have to actually share this, because I can’t resist. We do this thing called Brain Spotting – David Grand, which is the most profound thing I have ever done! It is a method of accessing parts of the brain that you can’t access consciously and that no amount of talk therapy can get to. Unlocking the trauma and allowing the body to heal itself – anyway I am sure the video gives a much better explanation than I do. My therapist gets out her pointer, gets me to put on some head phones and has eye glasses ready to block out either the left or right eye when necessary. Now I have engaged in this procedure a few times with her, but this time it was slightly different. I had never seen the eye glasses before, so I just assumed the change in music was normal.

I put on the head phones and I was trying to adjust the volume to ensure I could hear her voice over it. She readied the pointer and I felt overwhelmingly excited, sexually speaking – even writing about it now is sending my heart racing off a hundred miles an hour. I tried to gather myself, but the vocals were so seductive, I felt like they were swallowing me. It was the lazy sounding, seductive torch song voice of Hope Sandoval, paired with a low bass waver, slow erratic drums, an organ low and random static feedback- I love the alanbumstead description of – Mazzy Star’s “Mary of Silence”. Already struggling to fight back the sexualisation of my therapist on the best of occasions. I was now looking at her, while listening to one of the sexiest songs I have heard, with lyrics like, “I thought of myself beside you. Take me into your skin” – hahaha oh Lordy Lord!

Unable to contain myself, I blurted out how triggered I felt by the music and when I handed her the headphones, a blush and then laughter… Somehow I had tapped into her personal music collection and instead of listening to the sound of nature and running water and random happy music, which you would imagine hearing as background music to the Sims, when the scene depicts the perfect life – here I was listening to a song sung in minor, haunting and sultry – WHAAAAA!!!! – She was extremely apologetic, but it was actually too funny to even call it a mistake. I don’t know when last I have laughed so hard and continued to giggle about it for a few days after.

The blessing in all of this, is that we could really pinpoint how auditory I really am and I guess it really opens a whole new chapter in this book of self discovery.

 

Witness

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Today I was a spectator, standing in the middle of a tornado. The world was being torn up around me and I could just stand in my calmness. The days of reacting are over.I guess this is the thing we learn about in recovery. Life happens, in its splendour and with it’s disasters… How I let it affect me is a choice. I am not sure what has shifted lately, but I have this new found acceptance. Either way the road goes, everything is ok. Up or down, everything is ok! My fear is diminishing every day, little by little and I am beginning to find a freedom, which it talks about in the promises.

Today I was able to be of service to a friend. I had absolutely no idea what to do, but I just went with it and utilised the tools I had gained from my experience in active addiction dealing with my ex partner’s drug induced psychosis, to deal with a PTSD episode. I got her to a professional and I am relieved to say my friend is ok. I am so damn grateful to God for showing me the way. This stuff is so full on, I guess when you are prepared to do the work and dig as deep as she was willing to dig, you have to be prepared to face your demons from the past (the ones you used to get away from). Who I was dealing with, was her 12-year-old inner child and it was hellishly difficult not to entertain the very thing that was taking her over, because 1. she was so funny and 2. my child wanted to play back, because it was much easier to engage with the game than to face the reality of the whole situation.

Anyway, it was a really weird experience and really the sort of experience, which might have sent me off the edge a few months ago. Instead I remained in my power and witnessed my life somewhat as a movie… and a very entertaining film at that. Many of my ego states came into play to try and protect me today too and I could simply bare witness to them and the feelings, with complete acceptance and no judgement. My sister always used to say to me that she wanted to write a book about my life, because it was crazy how much stuff happens to me. The weird thing is how adaptable I am in all the drama, reactive or non-reactive. Knowing what I know now about trauma and the reliving of the childhood trauma in my adult life, has me wondering. What the hell happened when I was young, to make me so comfortable in such chaotic situations?

Here’s a story for you. I don’t go much into my using days, because my focus has always been on wanting to know what people are doing to recover, rather than their war stories. In the name of shining the light on the past, in the spirit of letting things go, rather than trying to forget it. Here it is:

Somewhere near 2011, I was ending my using career for the third time. In other words I was nearing my second last bottom (I bottomed out 4 times before calling it quits) – The first bottom came pretty quickly. I was 18 and I started using with my 36 year-old girlfriend. I went really hard really quickly and people could tell. My mom threatened rehab, so I stopped using and started drinking heavily instead (because alcohol isn’t a problem in my family hahaha). The second bottom ended me up in a psych unit after my 3rd suicide attempt had landed me in ICU for a week. It was a dual diagnostic unit and the moment people started holding hands in a circle, to the say the Lord’s prayer, I ran for the hills. I was four days into treatment and demanded to be let out. I moved to Australia to get away from my life. My girlfriend followed me and brought me home with her.

The third was, upon reflection, where God was working overtime to save my ass. I was a fully fledged meth head. I was using daily and holding down two jobs to support my habit. Due to my very colourful history with toxic relationships, I vowed I would never live with another woman. I met Candy. We slept together and she had nowhere to live, so I broke the last remaining commitment left, that I had made to myself and I invited her to move in until she found her feet. Now, as a meth head, having a red flag was very rare, because… well… Everything goes. Yet even through the copious amount of ephedrine I managed to get a funny feeling (which is a HUGE red flag, probably the size of Russia) – Anyway, so the relationship began, 4 days after we hooked up, with her moving into my place.

She was a dj, so she came with a pioneer djm900 mixer and a pair of Technics Vinyl Decks – This went perfectly with my very large dining room table (with no chairs), pool table, coffee machine and weed plants hahaha – It was minimal and so were the beats she dropped – For 2 days I was in heaven!

Anyway, fast forward… The wheels came off pretty early and when she left to donate eggs in India, I made friends with a gorgeous blonde dj, who entertained me while she was away – When I say entertained, I literally mean, took me to parties and let me chill out with her while we took drugs and she mixed music. Occasionally we would tan, to avoid going transparent.

This did not sit well with Candy and when she got back she just let me have it. She decided to do this while we were on a road trip (on Christmas eve). The plan was to visit her family in Durban. We were fighting so hard in the car, she completely forgot to navigate (and anyone who knows me, knows, without a GPS, I can’t even get home from work) – anyway, we ended up in Bloemfontein haha – see below image for reference.

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Give or take 600km west of where we were supposed to be… Oops! After the startling realisation, the tension really thickened, because it meant I had to spend another 6 hours in the car listening her berate me, because she was convinced something had happened, between me and this other girl. Trying to make my way out of the situation as quickly as possible, I forgot to check the fuel gauge and when I did, we were too far from a fuel station to do anything about it, so we ran out of petrol. Some people pulled over and helped us and we went on our merry way. We started playing tag with who would jump out of the car and walk away.

It was my turn this time, I jumped out and she sped away… I had a box of smokes, a lighter and my cell phone, which had gone flat and for the first time in my life, I tried hitch hiking. In South Africa? Hahaha???? Two men pulled up in a tow truck. I  jumped in with them. I was petrified and paranoid. I had been using solidly for months now, my perspective was somewhat warped. I didn’t even notice, that latched on the back of their truck, they had a taxi with 30 people in it. They drove me to Bloemfontein. I put my sim card in one of their phones and called my mom – she didn’t pick up. I listened to my voice messages and I had gotten one from my best friend, Ingrid. She had called me off her aunt’s landline. She had been in the UK for the last year and wanted to get in touch. I called her back and told her the predicament I was in. No money, no phone, no car, no girlfriend, no clothes and in Bloemfontein hahaha WTF!!!

Ingrid has been my best friend, since I was 9 years-old. We met at pony club. She is the other version of me and her network as vast as mine. True as Bob, she had a friend in Bloemfontein and pulled out all the stops to get him to come and pick me up (On Christmas day) – I had Christmas dinner with his beautiful family and at midnight, I was on a bus back to Johannesburg, where Ingrid was waiting to meet me.

Heart broken and coming down hard, I got into bed and tried to forget the whole experience had even happened. I gave ingrid my phone, so that she had a cell phone while she was in SA and so that I could simply fall off the face of the planet. Her mom sent me a message randomly (she had never messaged me) – but 2 people had pulled out of the whale trail and they had 2 spots and knowing I was planning to be in Cape Town at some point, wanted to know if I wanted to come. – Ingrid, bless her soul, called me on the landline and asked me if I wanted to go to Cape Town for a hike… Feeling totally defeated, I thought a hike and a little fresh air wouldn’t hurt. I agreed! She booked my flight and I was on a plane the next day – unbeknownst to me, it was a 5 day hike covering 55km hahaha FML!!! 🙂

Well needless to say, I arrived and that was my last stop before Melbourne.

Strength Within

This morning I am flying! I am so grateful for life today and this new found awareness. I spoke to my sponsor (A real gift from God!) – She said to me, “It sounds like you have had a spiritual awakening” – It does feel like that. It is one of those moments in time, where my whole perspective has been changed. Today I believe in myself… Fancy that 😉

I no longer have to look outside of myself to find the validation, the kind which is so freely available from within, so long as I stay connected to my Higher Power. If you know anything about recovery or are experiencing it, just like the low moments, this enlightened moment, too shall pass. My sponsor asked me if I knew how to bottle it – I wish I did! Hopefully this post will help me remember this feeling. Especially in the times where I am on my knees praying for the pain to pass.

My life has  changed so much in the last 6 months, I can’t even believe I am the same person anymore. In January I was managing a horse agistment farm. I worked 10-12 hour days. Up at 4am and home by 7pm. I loved what I did, but each day was like groundhog day. I was paddling hard and going nowhere slowly. God had a different plan for me and gave me a gift, by a gentle nudge to change my circumstances.

At the end of last year I celebrated my 30th birthday and I was too afraid to have a party, because I was so disconnected from the world after a toxic relationship, I wasn’t even sure anybody would come. I had no life outside of work. My friends were my clients. I was hellishly lonely and God forbid you asked me what I did for fun… The “F” word! I didn’t know what I liked. I had no idea who I was. I was a blank canvas or a block of clay, rather, ready to mould into anything the partner of my choice wanted me to be. Refusing to search for self, because defining myself, might mean that not everybody would love me – addicted to their approval, I craved their love and would do anything for it.

I entered into a program, which has allowed me to find myself. One of the behaviours that I was encouraged to add to my life (a top line), was doing an improv comedy course. Through doing that I have started an online course to become a funnier public speaker and the next step to do stand up and comedy script writing. This is something I have wanted to do since I was very young, but have never had the courage to do anything about it. I took a trip to Byron Bay, with a group, which is totally out of character for me, but through that trip, I met some of my greatest friends. Putting down acting out behaviours, has allowed the focus to change and instead of spending all my energy and therapy sessions putting out fires the whole time, I am able to deal with the core issues. Those core beliefs and the childhood patterns, which caused me to act out in the first place.

The program’s emphasis on phone contact, has facilitated an incredible network of women, who I have the pleasure connecting with on a daily basis. One of these woman, put me onto my therapist. This is where profound healing has continued to happen and in large chunks. The combination of the work I do with her and twelve step, I am starting to find myself and be totally happy and value who that person is. I have done half a year abstinence from acting out behaviours and the change is unbelievable.

If you had asked me in January where I would be in 6 months, I couldn’t tell you my life would look like this. I am studying. I am working with children. My life and my work is so fulfilling. I am embarking on the journey of equine therapy. I have the opportunity to work with children, using horses to facilitate healing. I am surrounded by some of the most incredible women that I have ever met. My network extends as far as Spain, Scotland, Ireland, Sydney, South Africa and Australia and that is all because of this wonderful program – and the willingness to do the action.

In December 2016 I called my sponsor in desperation, with not idea of how to live life in the pain. He used to tell me, “All you need is time. Do the work and get some time up and you will have a life beyond your wildest dreams. A life worth staying sober for!” – he was right. My life is incredible. I am overwhelmingly  grateful. God has given me a big kiss. I am blessed. It was totally worth the initial withdrawal – I am so glad I managed to hold on.

Light Energy

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Oprah Winfrey says it best!!! This is my commitment to self, my commitment to move forward in my life. I choose the light and I choose to surround myself with those who bring my light energy to the surface (Those who bring out the best in me) – I refuse to let anyone bring me down anymore, for I am destined to fly… Deep down I know this! – This truly is life changing for me!

Perseverance

Yesterday, I felt like I was in a movie. I woke up in the morning feeling invigorated after my action meeting, the night before, with my action buddy and another member. We looked at what prosperity looks like to me and what are the actions I can take to make that happen. When you break it down and simplify it like that, things seem really achievable. The difficulty, was knowing what it is that I want… This is a topic that always finds me at a loss for words. I feel shy and frozen.

The action meeting was around moving out. I just wanted to make sure I was on the right page and bring God into the decision. Freeing up 24 hours will give me the opportunity to do yoga, dance, exercise more, take walks on the beach and all of the good stuff that will help nurture my soul. In the relationship fellowship this is known as top lines and in the financial fellowship this can be considered as valuing myself and finding the balance between 33% Self Care, 33% Work & 33% Sleep – I look forward to that day. Being a grown up, it is really only my job to look after me, once that is done, I can stop looking outside of myself for someone else to take on that role.

So getting back to my movie day. I was in such a comfortable state of mind when I woke up and I made my way to work (teaching horse riding lessons at pony club) – On my way I outreached with another member who said some stuff about the girl I am about to move in with. It was in that moment that I lost total faith in my ability to make sound decisions for myself … I spoke to her just before I started work and really had no time to process things after that. The Cross Country lesson I was supposed to teach changed to a showjumping lesson at the last minute and I was running around like a headless chicken, trying to put a course up. The first lesson went really well, excepting the 2 falls from a girl, who has no balance and got jumped off… She landed on her feet both times, so I tried to do my best to adjust to the varying levels in the lesson and focus individually on her body position at the same time – It was like an unpolished circus show hahaha.

The next lesson I got two really talented jumpers, in cross country, which isn’t really my thing, having only ever jumped in three cross country shows in my life. The lesson was perfect and the girls were growing in confidence. We started jumping up and down a table, step up type fence and coming down a short distance to another fence, which is very technical and difficult. After several successful attempts, the girl came down and lost her balance coming off the table. She was hanging off the side of her horse when she hit another solid cross country fence and landed in front of her horse who kicked her in the head. I got to use some of my first aid training. It was really full on. We called an ambulance, kept her warm and when they arrived and gave her morphine, we got to watch her get up like Hulk Hogan, like nothing had even happened… It was pretty funny. She had no broken bones, despite what it looked like, was cleared from any spine or neck injury.

I had one more lesson after lunch. With the “uncontrollables”. These kids are about 6 years old and more unmanageable than my life on drug hahaha. The jump part of the lesson went really well (I love a sand arena, with soft landings and poles that fall off fences) – Half of the kids wanted to jump, half wanted cross country, so I tried a diplomatic approach. I did half the lesson in the sand, before moving out into the wide open grass cross country paddock. 2 of the girls wanted to race and thats all they wanted to do. I was screaming my head off at them not to go to far in front. My words fell on deaf ears and while trying to keep a handle on the other 7 kids in my class, they raced off. Both girls fell off and I thought I needed to call the ambulance again (Thank God that wasn’t the case). 5 falls in 3 lesson hahaha!!! God what were you trying to teach me with that?!?

Feeling utterly defeated, I left the grounds, feeling embarrassed that I even got paid for it. 8 months ago that experience would have sent me off a cliff. Yesterday, I took nothing personally, but burst into tears when I was driving off. Now the whole safe place to live thing came flooding back in and I found myself absolutely torn, between what an older cleaner member had said and my gut feeling. I was so low, just giving up and leaving Australia was my first thought (I was catastrophising in a big way) I considered calling my therapist, but I didn’t want to burden her. I sat doing my tax for a while, when I got a call from my best friend (really my pillar of strength in recovery – so thank God I didn’t ruin that one by trying to sleep with her)

I told her of my stresses and what I had heard and that it was that bad, I even considered calling my therapist. She encouraged me to do what I was too afraid to do (she does this often) – I called my therapist, got some sound advice. The advice was to be honest and talk to the girl about what I had heard. I called my best friend back, who encouraged me again to do what I had a lot of fear around doing and so I did and I am so grateful I did, because then I could make a clear decision based on what I heard from this girl and hell if I make a mistake that’s ok. My whole life I have been to afraid to try things and I guess I have been living like a frog in a pond with no perspective of what a vast ocean can be like. I think my search for validation actually ends here, because not everyone will be open minded enough to share in my vision. I refuse to kill my creativity with fear. I am willing to make mistakes and find 101 ways how not to make a light bulb, before finding the 1 way to make it. What do Frogs and Haters have in common

Even if I have the worst idea/perspective of how my day went, even if it feels like a failure to me, I hope I never forget the impact I can have on people’s lives, because my horror, drama cloud of a day, has a silver lining! “Thanks for Today. All the kids love you. The feedback is brilliant on your lessons Harry always excels too. You have a gift” – Hahaha! Hard to believe 🙂 – So what is the lesson in this? – Anything is possible!

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