I am not sure I carry much hope today, but the one thing this blog has given me the opportunity to do is, express myself honestly, regardless of how uplifting the content is.
Yesterday was quite an incredible day. I woke up and went to a yoga class, which I am absolutely paying for today (it BREAKS me!) I then proceeded to give 3 pilates classes to friends of my housemate, my housemate and one of my good friends. It was fun to be teaching again and we turned the back sunroom into a little studio, which really feels amazing! The place feels like home to me, so much so that I even saved it in my phone GPS as “home”.
Teaching pilates is really an interesting indicator for me. My abandonment issues come up in the first class. There is a huge fear that you wont love me and then leave me, so if it is a person’s first class with me, I end up teaching overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Once the initial ice has broken and they come back for a second class, all of those feelings dissolve as I settle into a rhythm. It’s profound the difference between the two classes. It’s ‘strangely’ similar to my love relationships, the way it starts. Then when I know they are hooked, I settle into my power. I’d say I have a few control issues 🙂
After my incredibly holistic day, I went to a GLBTIQ meeting. I was the only woman there, but I really enjoyed it. The stories of how people’s drinking had lead them into the rooms, were astounding and triggered a bucket load of memories for me. The stuff that really came up was the money drunkenness. I used to go out with a pocket full of cash and spend only 10% of it on myself (I used to do controlled drinking. I drank 3x stroh ’80’ shooters, each washed down with a smirnoff ice, over the course of the night) – this way I had more money to spend on my friends and essentially ‘buy’ their love. If I bought them enough drinks and gave them enough of a great party, maybe they would love me more and wouldn’t leave me – Are you starting to notice a little theme running here? I am desperate for love and then when I have it, I am so afraid it will leave me, I will do anything to hold onto it.
Last night at midnight I got a call from a very close friend. She was really struggling to cope and after spending an hour with her on the phone, I went over there, because I was worried sick. This is a friend I have had intrigue with in the past, but have managed to maintain the friendship regardless and have done a heap of work around it. I sat with her until she fell asleep and then I fell asleep… in the same bed…. Big mistake for me! – That is simply an internal boundary I shouldn’t be breaking.
I felt really weird when I woke up and I did my best to exit the situation and just pull myself right. I did a few reach out calls and really got mixed reviews, which is hardly surprising, because as an outsider looking in (if I were to switch roles that is), I would be judging the hell of the person telling me the same story… sounds pretty slippery!
I felt ok about the whole thing until I spoke to my sponsor, then it came down on me hard, like a ton of bricks. She got quite angry with me, which sent me over the edge a bit. The weird thing is that the moment someone gets angry with me, I get compassion with them and this became totally apparent to me. She started to tell me how slippery my behaviour actually was and there was no tone adjustment to soften the blow. It hurt, I cried, disgusted with myself and even more ashamed than when I had woken up. Her question to me was, what makes me think I am qualified to deal with something like that? Shouldn’t she be seeking the help of a professional? And how could I put myself in such a vulnerable position, with someone else who is so vulnerable?… I couldn’t answer any of her questions – I know I was in the wrong, I made a mistake, I made a really bad decision at 1am and had no excuses for it. She softened after I think she heard my shaky voice over the phone and it sounded to me like she was going through some stuff too, she was only getting angry, because she cares <– there’s that compassion!
Maybe her approach was a bit harsh, but she made a good point none the less. My feelings of helplessness surfaced and the trauma bond became very apparent. When I was young, my dad passed away with leukaemia. He called two nights before he died, but I was asleep. I woke up to take the call, but I was half asleep. Sure I would speak to him again, we wrapped up the conversation pretty quickly. I told him that I loved him and that I couldn’t wait to see him in December… I called him the next night, with the hopes of resuming the conversation. He answered, but he had a fever and couldn’t talk… He died of kidney failure the next morning… It hurts the same today as it did back then.
So that was the trauma coming up for me last night. I have cried about it. I did a good meditation around it. As for my actions, now I have spoken to my therapist, who reassured me. She said she knows that I would not cross that boundary with my friend and deep down inside I know it too. That is why I tried to talk to her for an hour on the phone first, I was doing some huge questioning around my intentions. I didn’t know who else to call at 2am, but have taken active steps to live in the solution today and find out what I can do in future in the same situation.
The shame has softened thank God! Was it perfect? No! But what about this recovery thing ever is? It was human, I was honest and accountable. I did the best I knew how to do given the circumstances. I may not be a mental health professional, but I have done my first aid for mental health and seen some pretty dark stuff in my life… I believed I helped, just a little bit and I couldn’t find it in my heart to turn my back on my best friend.