I knew this was going to happen. Here I am strutting my feathers like a male peacock, after going 7 full days without sexualising anything. I felt invincible, I think I may have even started to tell people how they should work their program. I started to think, hey!… Maybe I got this thing!… Hahaha <—- Cunning, baffling and powerful, this disease is! I had an idea it was coming, but in true addict fashion, I ignored the warning signs.
I have made friends with this woman, who has just gotten out of a toxic relationship (and needs rescuing- and it just so happens that I like to be the rescuer 😉 that whole knight on a white horse type thing) – The one plus point I get, is that she is gay, so I was thinking progress, not perfection, right?… That is actually my addict brain, trying to con me into believing that this might be a good idea, because at least she is available… Broken, but available – definite marriage material 😉 hahaha, bloody hell! What am I like?!?
I have seen this coming, but of course I wait for a sure sign and when I got that today, I am baffled as to why it even surprised me. She is new to the sex and love fellowship and when you are new, if you are anything like I was at the start, boundaries were drawn in sand with the rising tide. No sooner after you’ve drawn them, have they disappeared into the vast ocean, like a distant memory – hahaha and your boundaries… Well… Those were just challenges for my amazing seductive talent – I was truly a hopeless case!
Today I am grateful to say, through working my program and following the suggestions, that I have been able to hold boundaries and keep myself safe, but it’s those dam shiny things again! I get one sniff of this girl expressing some kind of attraction for me and I loose my car in the shopping centre parking. I think I can honestly say that it has been totally disorientating and the worst thing, is that she is really not my type (ok I don’t really have a type, but I definitely have a “not-my-type” and she is it)
So that’s my vibe. I called my sponsor right away and fes up to everything, before anything comes of this. My sponsor told me that a light has gone on in me, as a result of my sustained sobriety and recovery and that it will be very attractive. I need to be careful and also understand that my understanding is greater than this woman’s understanding and that it is my responsibility not to take advantage of a vulnerable person… I agree with her, but I have to be honest, that my mind did go there, This post is in the spirit of bringing the truth into the light, because this disease lives in the dark. I am human and I can’t control my first thought, but I can most certainly control what I do about it and acting on it will cause harm to me and to her.
All I can do is pray for the strength and for God’s will & not my own.