Hope

Change of Scene

Today I have tried my utmost best to get some uni work out. I have been at it for 4 hours and have only managed to answer three questions. A word of advise… When you have a huge assignment due on Thursday, try not to give up coffee before hand, my gosh, I feel like my head is a balloon and someone is sitting on it!

I just realised that I already know the equine assisted therapy guy that I have been trying to get in contact with 🙂 That makes things easier. I know him through the money fellowship. My vision board and my time plan are both stuck up on my walls. We have had a new housemate move in and it makes me wonder if I’ll ever be a girly girl. She has mountains and mountains of stuff. The bathroom has been all candled out and there’s a love heart on the kitchen counter. I stand there watching this whole design unfold in awe, but also then questioning myself. I’m not the kind of girl who can walk into a space and have this bright idea of how to make it pretty. I commend her efforts, but that vision is just totally unfathomable… I am just like, HOW???

Anyway – I have had good news and that is that my tax is actually coming through, I have no idea why I went into so much fear around it. That takes a huge weight off of my shoulders, having made the commitment to not debt one day at a time and pay for my uni. With limited work rights it makes it more complicated, but it’s all good now.

I had the most amazing experience with my sponsor yesterday. We started sharing my 8th step in the love fellowship and there was this huge shift. She encouraged me to pay attention to myself rather than what other people thought of me and all of a sudden with that shift of perspective the willingness arrived. It was profound. For the first time I am really happy to look at my past. Not for the pain you have caused me, but  rather at what I had done wrong, not so I could tell you so you could condemn me. It was rather so that I could examine my behaviour, identify the patterns and make sure I don’t repeat those patterns again. Thats what true amends is about, I believe… Saying sorry is hollow, unless I am really willing to change. I am so willing to change.

1 week free of sexualising. The promises are starting to come true for me. There is hope. This program works. I am beyond grateful!!!

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