We had our first dinner party last night. Paleo inspired and my housemate made a zucchini brownie (which tasted exactly like a chocolate brownie) that was absolutely to die for. I did sous vide salmon, with a warm asparagus salad. The result was delish and really healthy.
Two of my friends cancelled, the reason for the dinner being paleo inspired, which disappointed me a little. For me it brings up the abandonment wound and what it brought up was the childhood monologue, “what about me?” – I remember I used to lie crying in the corner rocking in the fetal position spluttering out those words. Ah… those were the days 😉
I am grateful this happened for two reasons. One is that the childhood tape entered into my consciousness. I have done such a good job over the years of forgetting my childhood, using drugs, alcohol and anything else I could find – so I am grateful when any memories come up, Second is that the dynamic of people who were there last night worked in perfect harmony. It was beautiful to watch the energy of the room and the dynamic shift and watch four people who didn’t know each other in their comfort zones. I really believe it is the energy of the house I am living in. I am just so grateful I moved here.
We got talking about hobbies and the improv comedy came up as mine. One of our guests is a comedian and the conversation that followed had me tense with excitement and wanting to shrivel up into a ball, partly because the idea of doing standup, though it has been my dream for so long, scares the hell out of me. Since I was very young, I wanted to do stand up. My favourite thing to do in the whole world is make people laugh. I have just never had the courage to get up on stage. It’s that dam performance anxiety that comes up.
All of a sudden there was this space created and a group of women were there supporting me. She told me, I need to go up and just be prepared to fail. That I just need to do an open mic night with no expectations. The girls even agreed to support me doing it. She spoke about the calling and that I’m fucked now that I’ve found it, because I have to do it. The scary thing is that she is right! I have to do it – I feel it in my bones. I am petrified, but it was no coincidence that last night happened the way that it did. God nudges me in really interesting ways. I live in town now, so I really have no excuse not to pursue this. I might need to add it to my list of esteemable acts.
A flame burns in me, which may be small, but can not be ignored. For it is the fire in my soul, which is warming my spirit and giving her the energy to fly… I am feeling a little excited, I wont lie.