For years I have held parts of myself back, petrified of being rejected. That if you see who I really am, you might leave me.
I opened the wound today with my therapist and the burning in my chest amplified. I have an abandonment wound. My father and my sister left me behind when I was 10 years old. They moved to Germany illegally. My mom, desperate to stop them, held onto me and instead of abandoning the plan, because I wasn’t with them, they abandoned me instead.
That was the same year I stopped crying. I remember thinking consciously that if I chose not to feel anything, I would never be happy, but at least the pain would stop. I would have done anything to numb the agony – One of my first addictions was to TV… I used just escape into the fantasy of the storyline and focus on the onscreen drama to get away from the reality of my life.
That wound has been burning, since I started therapy. Today’s session scratched deep into the cut that sits in the same place, but this has a different story. There was a third abandonment and that comes from the rejection of who I am. I listened to a meditation after the session and I broke down, when the guide said “we are human beings” – The thing that popped into my head after grabbing onto myself to hold myself as I sobbed, was that I can’t help the way I feel and who I love. I am just a human being trying to do my best in the world – I can’t help that I turned out lesbian and despite my best effort, I can’t change that.
As the tears roll down my cheeks and I type between gasps of air, I feel grateful. For it is through these tears that I can heal and in this broken space, where these salty waterfalls will wash away the density that is blocking out the light. It is through recovery that I have found unconditional love. The women that love me regardless of what I do or who I choose, Slowly a safe space is being created, that I may come out of hiding. I can let my vulnerability show. I am loved through all my strength and all my weaknesses as the human being that I am, just the way I am in my perfect imperfection.
I comprehend unconditional love. It is a gift that I have had the pleasure of experiencing in this lifetime. Thank you God. I am blessed.