I had an absolutely incredible day today. It was my first day off in ages. I finished an overnight shift and I just took myself shopping. I realise my compulsive spending has flared up since I moved. I am trying to externally fix an internal problem. I refuse to beat myself up about it, because it is all about gaining awareness first, then working a program to live in the solution. I am reading a book, “Money Drunk, Money Sober” by Julia Cameron and Mark Bryan. It’s really interesting as I identify as a compulsive spender, big deal chaser, cash codependent, poverty addict and maintenance money drunk – It just depends on where I am at in my life. I am going to read another chapter before bed tonight, because I told my action buddy I would and I am now in the part of the book, where the recovery begins.
Tonight I spoke to my mom… It’s really interesting, because I have changed so much in our conversations. Firstly it feels a little more two sided, before I just used to talk at her. The compulsive need to prove and the need for her approval has completely left me, which is a massive shift. I feel very tight in my throat afterwards though and I am not sure what that is about. I know its not an energy resonating thing, because thats a different feeling, but I know the nature of the conversation was difficult at one point. I spoke about my connection to the LGBTIQ community again and that conversation is never easy with my mom, despite her best efforts to be open minded, Tonight’s conversation about it flowed alot more easily and I feel like we are finally able to talk about a side of me that I have kept so shut away from her, because of this huge fear of making her uncomfortable.
The work I have been doing on myself is really paying off and I have the opportunity to live such a fulfilling life, it really is quite something. To try to settle myself today, in the whole disorientation of moving, I decided to go for a run. I ran and felt free and amazing and just kept going for 8km until I hit the beach. It was beautiful and I got to look at the ocean in it’s brilliance and I could just appreciate the moment. I walked backed home. I turned the music off and just allowed myself some quiet time walking. It was hugely grounding, but after about 4km I started to get cold and irritated, so I splurged on new headphones and a screen cover. These things were both very necessary as the fine for talking while driving or the cost of a new screen would be damaging to my pocket, but even so – The purchase was done so quickly and with zip zero spirituality.
Before I make a purchase, in future, I would just like to check in with myself, see how I am doing and if it feels right. Instead I feel pressured by the store assistant, don’t want to look like I can’t afford things, so I just make the payment without even blinking an eye, with no consideration or thought what so ever. I feel shame when I buy things and shame when I don’t, it’s a bit of a catch 22 for me.
So there’s my dilemma. In the spirit of living in the solution and not the problem, I am going to do my time plan for the week, message my grateful list to my action buddy and read a chapter – One foot in front of the other.