To be honest, I have been lying here for a while wanting to write this, but tonight I just felt like checking out. I packed up my whole life today (again!) and when I empty the space around me, I feel I need to be 100% fulfilled inside, not to feel completely empty. It’s that whole in the soul thing, us addicts experience… While I have done a really good job in the last two weeks of showing up for myself, self-validating and fulfilment – Today I found myself searching. Did I want to compromise and connect with people that didn’t serve me, all for the sake of connection? Yes… but I abstained and I was left sitting with myself.
So how do I feel? Firstly I went into obsession over finances hahaha… the gifts of working a financial program and taking record of my numbers, it didn’t take very long to arrest the fear (because based on my expenses, I have nothing to be afraid about – today I have that clarity) – so with that obsession stopped in its track, I checked in with myself. It felt like anxiety, but what I think it is, is excitement, (very easily confused the two of those) – Uncomfortable with that feeling, I started to facebook stalk a girl who has invited me to a gig next Wednesday. I tried to look up another girl too, who I have started to connect with, but couldn’t find her online – In short – I am hunting!
I am not even allowed to date for another 6 months, so why even go there? Anything is better than sitting with the feeling. I am an addict – I am afraid of change! These poor girls are just victims of my misplaced sexualisation, because I will focus on anything, but myself (It doesn’t matter who they are, as long as we can engage). I am self-abandoning, because I am overwhelmed with the feeling. In tonight’s blog, I don’t have a profound message. I am going to pray and meditate and explore this feeling. Every feeling has a life span, like a flame, eventually it will burn out. Tonight I will have tea with my emotions. That is all I can do.