It has just been such a beautiful day. I just feel absolutely in line with what the universe wants for me right now. If you had asked me 6 months ago where I would ideally be in 6 months it would have looked completely different and had I explained to myself what I would be doing, I would have thought my life as it is now, would be totally unfulfilling. Oh how wrong I can be! 🙂
6 months ago, if you asked me what community service is, I would have told you: “It’s what you do when you mess up really badly and exempt from jail, you have to do community service”. If you had said, “You are going to be working with youths and children and do really well with them”. I would have told you that you must be smoking some good shit to believe that that would even be possible – I don’t like kids. If you told me that I would be doing therapy, I would have responded simply, that 12 step is all the therapy I need… Oh how wrong I can be!
If you told me I would have a group of women supporting me, who lived in Melbourne, just waiting for me to move closer to them. I would have denied that it was even possible, because 6 months ago I could hardly string a sentence together with a woman, the way I sexualised them made me so uncomfortable. Hahaha, if you had told me that I had a traumatic childhood, I would fob you off as being dramatic, as my childhood, I believed, was one many would deem perfect. Here’s the big one – If you had told me 6 months ago that the work I was going to do with horses was on the ground, using them as partners in therapy instead of the olympics in a showjumping arena on their backs. That would have been the end of the conversation, because back then anything but that outcome was acceptable… Oh how I have changed!
I got onto a horse yesterday and took him around a showjumping track… I got him to jump and I feel like I accomplished something, but it felt really hollow, which is unbelievable for me. Doing this for work, with the expectation of results made it an even harder pill to swallow… What I stopped to consider were the horses feelings and more so mine, because is this what I really want? Here I have the opportunity to build a relationship with this animal, but there is an expectation, which just puts the whole experience under pressure. Riding stopped being about freedom and love of connection, but became something I judged myself very harshly on and because I do this as a profession, I felt ashamed when I was unable to achieve results and it became more about me not feeling good enough. My dream of being in the olympics one day is pretty gloomy.
So lets examine this: What is the dream? To compete in the olympics? – If it felt anything like yesterday’s ride – Hell No! For me it has always been, building such a bond, relationship and trust with a horse that we inspire each other to do anything, when it comes to jumping – giving the horse confidence and courage to take on any fence – Now that’s more like it! – That I can do – The olympics would just be the cherry on top. Definitely not the end goal.
I had the most profound experience on Monday. A friend of a friend, does Equine Assisted Therapy (EAT) and agreed to do a very laid back session with me, to give me an idea of what it is all about. In my life I have never experienced something so profound. I saw my attachment styles play out in front of me like I was a third person, watching my life as a movie, with three actors (the horses) – Sound nuts? It IS!!! I have no idea how it works, but it is truly magical and something I would so LOVE to do. My new housemate has contacts in Geelong, waiting for me to move in with her, to extend the invitation for me to join them, to get involved in 12 step recovery using EAT model – Thanks for that one God – I am having to pinch myself.
Life has a series of highs and lows. The idea for me is, the same way I don’t get swept up in the drama, instead to just become the observer and witness the storm and chaos going on around me. This rings true in the excitement as well. I can calmly watch as all these magical things happen around me and I can make the choice not to get swept up in it. I am staying close to God and praying for God to keep me close. I am doing everything to stay in my body and present and to go with what feels right, because God’s will is not my best thinking, God’s will is what I feel intuitively, but I can’t quite explain. That is where the trust happens.
I just feel so liberated. I have the pleasure of addressing the LGBTIQ human rights issue, the road to marriage equality in Australia as part of a University group project. Just an opportunity to learn about the struggles and get in touch with my sexuality as part of the course I am doing… It’s mad! Everything I am doing is just so inspiring and I am having the best time doing it. I connected with the relationship fellowship based in the UK earlier and I just felt so at home. I was able to do some service and give back and confidently at that. 6 months ago I was a shivering, nervous wreck, who was too afraid to even try things, for the simple fear of failure. Today I am thriving. I am grateful. I love my life. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams and this is only the beginning,,,