Strength Within

This morning I am flying! I am so grateful for life today and this new found awareness. I spoke to my sponsor (A real gift from God!) – She said to me, “It sounds like you have had a spiritual awakening” – It does feel like that. It is one of those moments in time, where my whole perspective has been changed. Today I believe in myself… Fancy that 😉

I no longer have to look outside of myself to find the validation, the kind which is so freely available from within, so long as I stay connected to my Higher Power. If you know anything about recovery or are experiencing it, just like the low moments, this enlightened moment, too shall pass. My sponsor asked me if I knew how to bottle it – I wish I did! Hopefully this post will help me remember this feeling. Especially in the times where I am on my knees praying for the pain to pass.

My life has  changed so much in the last 6 months, I can’t even believe I am the same person anymore. In January I was managing a horse agistment farm. I worked 10-12 hour days. Up at 4am and home by 7pm. I loved what I did, but each day was like groundhog day. I was paddling hard and going nowhere slowly. God had a different plan for me and gave me a gift, by a gentle nudge to change my circumstances.

At the end of last year I celebrated my 30th birthday and I was too afraid to have a party, because I was so disconnected from the world after a toxic relationship, I wasn’t even sure anybody would come. I had no life outside of work. My friends were my clients. I was hellishly lonely and God forbid you asked me what I did for fun… The “F” word! I didn’t know what I liked. I had no idea who I was. I was a blank canvas or a block of clay, rather, ready to mould into anything the partner of my choice wanted me to be. Refusing to search for self, because defining myself, might mean that not everybody would love me – addicted to their approval, I craved their love and would do anything for it.

I entered into a program, which has allowed me to find myself. One of the behaviours that I was encouraged to add to my life (a top line), was doing an improv comedy course. Through doing that I have started an online course to become a funnier public speaker and the next step to do stand up and comedy script writing. This is something I have wanted to do since I was very young, but have never had the courage to do anything about it. I took a trip to Byron Bay, with a group, which is totally out of character for me, but through that trip, I met some of my greatest friends. Putting down acting out behaviours, has allowed the focus to change and instead of spending all my energy and therapy sessions putting out fires the whole time, I am able to deal with the core issues. Those core beliefs and the childhood patterns, which caused me to act out in the first place.

The program’s emphasis on phone contact, has facilitated an incredible network of women, who I have the pleasure connecting with on a daily basis. One of these woman, put me onto my therapist. This is where profound healing has continued to happen and in large chunks. The combination of the work I do with her and twelve step, I am starting to find myself and be totally happy and value who that person is. I have done half a year abstinence from acting out behaviours and the change is unbelievable.

If you had asked me in January where I would be in 6 months, I couldn’t tell you my life would look like this. I am studying. I am working with children. My life and my work is so fulfilling. I am embarking on the journey of equine therapy. I have the opportunity to work with children, using horses to facilitate healing. I am surrounded by some of the most incredible women that I have ever met. My network extends as far as Spain, Scotland, Ireland, Sydney, South Africa and Australia and that is all because of this wonderful program – and the willingness to do the action.

In December 2016 I called my sponsor in desperation, with not idea of how to live life in the pain. He used to tell me, “All you need is time. Do the work and get some time up and you will have a life beyond your wildest dreams. A life worth staying sober for!” – he was right. My life is incredible. I am overwhelmingly  grateful. God has given me a big kiss. I am blessed. It was totally worth the initial withdrawal – I am so glad I managed to hold on.

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