Yesterday, I felt like I was in a movie. I woke up in the morning feeling invigorated after my action meeting, the night before, with my action buddy and another member. We looked at what prosperity looks like to me and what are the actions I can take to make that happen. When you break it down and simplify it like that, things seem really achievable. The difficulty, was knowing what it is that I want… This is a topic that always finds me at a loss for words. I feel shy and frozen.
The action meeting was around moving out. I just wanted to make sure I was on the right page and bring God into the decision. Freeing up 24 hours will give me the opportunity to do yoga, dance, exercise more, take walks on the beach and all of the good stuff that will help nurture my soul. In the relationship fellowship this is known as top lines and in the financial fellowship this can be considered as valuing myself and finding the balance between 33% Self Care, 33% Work & 33% Sleep – I look forward to that day. Being a grown up, it is really only my job to look after me, once that is done, I can stop looking outside of myself for someone else to take on that role.
So getting back to my movie day. I was in such a comfortable state of mind when I woke up and I made my way to work (teaching horse riding lessons at pony club) – On my way I outreached with another member who said some stuff about the girl I am about to move in with. It was in that moment that I lost total faith in my ability to make sound decisions for myself … I spoke to her just before I started work and really had no time to process things after that. The Cross Country lesson I was supposed to teach changed to a showjumping lesson at the last minute and I was running around like a headless chicken, trying to put a course up. The first lesson went really well, excepting the 2 falls from a girl, who has no balance and got jumped off… She landed on her feet both times, so I tried to do my best to adjust to the varying levels in the lesson and focus individually on her body position at the same time – It was like an unpolished circus show hahaha.
The next lesson I got two really talented jumpers, in cross country, which isn’t really my thing, having only ever jumped in three cross country shows in my life. The lesson was perfect and the girls were growing in confidence. We started jumping up and down a table, step up type fence and coming down a short distance to another fence, which is very technical and difficult. After several successful attempts, the girl came down and lost her balance coming off the table. She was hanging off the side of her horse when she hit another solid cross country fence and landed in front of her horse who kicked her in the head. I got to use some of my first aid training. It was really full on. We called an ambulance, kept her warm and when they arrived and gave her morphine, we got to watch her get up like Hulk Hogan, like nothing had even happened… It was pretty funny. She had no broken bones, despite what it looked like, was cleared from any spine or neck injury.
I had one more lesson after lunch. With the “uncontrollables”. These kids are about 6 years old and more unmanageable than my life on drug hahaha. The jump part of the lesson went really well (I love a sand arena, with soft landings and poles that fall off fences) – Half of the kids wanted to jump, half wanted cross country, so I tried a diplomatic approach. I did half the lesson in the sand, before moving out into the wide open grass cross country paddock. 2 of the girls wanted to race and thats all they wanted to do. I was screaming my head off at them not to go to far in front. My words fell on deaf ears and while trying to keep a handle on the other 7 kids in my class, they raced off. Both girls fell off and I thought I needed to call the ambulance again (Thank God that wasn’t the case). 5 falls in 3 lesson hahaha!!! God what were you trying to teach me with that?!?
Feeling utterly defeated, I left the grounds, feeling embarrassed that I even got paid for it. 8 months ago that experience would have sent me off a cliff. Yesterday, I took nothing personally, but burst into tears when I was driving off. Now the whole safe place to live thing came flooding back in and I found myself absolutely torn, between what an older cleaner member had said and my gut feeling. I was so low, just giving up and leaving Australia was my first thought (I was catastrophising in a big way) I considered calling my therapist, but I didn’t want to burden her. I sat doing my tax for a while, when I got a call from my best friend (really my pillar of strength in recovery – so thank God I didn’t ruin that one by trying to sleep with her)
I told her of my stresses and what I had heard and that it was that bad, I even considered calling my therapist. She encouraged me to do what I was too afraid to do (she does this often) – I called my therapist, got some sound advice. The advice was to be honest and talk to the girl about what I had heard. I called my best friend back, who encouraged me again to do what I had a lot of fear around doing and so I did and I am so grateful I did, because then I could make a clear decision based on what I heard from this girl and hell if I make a mistake that’s ok. My whole life I have been to afraid to try things and I guess I have been living like a frog in a pond with no perspective of what a vast ocean can be like. I think my search for validation actually ends here, because not everyone will be open minded enough to share in my vision. I refuse to kill my creativity with fear. I am willing to make mistakes and find 101 ways how not to make a light bulb, before finding the 1 way to make it. What do Frogs and Haters have in common
Even if I have the worst idea/perspective of how my day went, even if it feels like a failure to me, I hope I never forget the impact I can have on people’s lives, because my horror, drama cloud of a day, has a silver lining! “Thanks for Today. All the kids love you. The feedback is brilliant on your lessons Harry always excels too. You have a gift” – Hahaha! Hard to believe 🙂 – So what is the lesson in this? – Anything is possible!