Progress

Good morning blog! So grateful for the opportunity to write today! Tonight I have the privilege of doing an action meeting around my plan to move to town. It’s a beautiful thing to bring other members, program and God into the decision making process. To me, it’s a great way to check if it’s God’s will or mine.

I am 6 months sober in the relationship program and really have no idea how I managed to do that. (Kicking and screaming and a strait jacket) – I am so grateful for this, it is really more God’s success than mine. I take me into every relationship, so until I get me right, I am going to continue to have the same problems, time and time again – This disease is progressive. I love this Mandy Saligari TED talk, “it’s not about what I’m addicted to or was addicted to… This is about why, would I use something outside of myself, in an attempt to fix how I feel, to the detriment of myself”. She speaks about how addiction isn’t about the drug of choice, but rather the pattern of delegating/outsourcing your emotional process onto something else, that backfires. Feelings – Handle Them, before they handle you.

I absolutely LOVE this talk! Not to ask why your daughter fell in with a bad crowd, but rather to ask, why does your daughter feel so at home around people who are so troubled – Profound!!! What a concept, but it makes so much sense. I can’t really remember what went on with my family of origin. The memory of physical abuse only came to me two months ago after some intensive therapy sessions. It’s interesting, because the memory got unlocked, when I had a dream of my ex girlfriend. I dreamt about when she used to lock me in the house and it triggered a memory of my dad locking me in the cupboard when I was young. He wouldn’t let me out until I stopped crying, if at all. – It’s pretty full on, but really relevant – My childhood trauma keeps getting relived through my relationships. I have serious trouble crying today and the motion sickness has gone as a result of the memory – it’s nuts!

Thanks to the program and a hell of a lot of work, the patterns are starting to change. I have the power of choice as to whether I want to react or not. Whether I was to go down the same road I’ve always gone down or create a new way of life. I don’t have to get sucked down the rabbit hole. I can choose not to engage in the insanity of the wonderland that is my past. The choice is becoming easier to make, even when a pretty woman is involved 😉

rabbithole

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