Crippled!

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I feel like someone has pulled barb wire out of my stomach, through my mouth. This is the most debilitating disease! I joined my first meeting in a financial program tonight and aside from feeling fear and shame beyond anything I have ever felt before, I was met with hostility from the person I reached out to. I heard some great things in the meeting, but it has also brought to surface all the shame. That shame combined with another member’s hostility has just caused me to downward spiral a bit. This is my attempt to shine the light on shame instead of nurturing it in the secrecy, silence and judgement.

Self-empathy is the tool here – where did I put that darn thing?!? All I want to do is isolate, I want to hide! This hurts too much! After all the work I have done and pushed through so much, I am at the beginning again. The hardest part of any program is the first bit… The only thing that brings relief is getting a few days up. This pain will pass, it will just take time and some work. I am trying to reassure myself, because it really doesn’t feel that way. I need help, may my Higher Power guide me.

Recovery is no walk in the park! Otherwise everybody would be doing it… Grateful to God and grateful to the connections I have made through working my program. They just pulled me out of isolation and out of the funk. I still remember the first 18 months, when I couldn’t even pick up the phone… How things have changed!

Control

Today was hard for me. I gave myself the morning off. I had to pray for abstinence again, because my body feels like it is possessed. This is a-day-at-a-time program for me and sometimes I am just doing it by the hour. There is a sexually addicted woman who lives inside, who is really ready to jump out anytime if I’m not paying attention.

I have tried a number of different approaches and all I can tell you is what doesn’t work. Control (or containment) – she gets off on being restrained and dominated, so the hard hand approach just excites her. Avoiding people completely works until I see them again and then she barges out like a caged animal who hasn’t been fed in weeks. I have judged her and tried to just ignore her, but this just leaves her feeling rejected, which she then projects onto me and well, you get the point. I have done everything I could possibly do to get rid of her, but it’s like she is attached 😉

So I have no other choice, than to comprehend the first step. I am powerless over her and she is making my life unmanageable. No amount of control or my own will power is strong enough to stop her, so I think the best thing to do is surrender and invite her to the table. What I have realised is that I am rejecting the very thing that has tried to protect me and succeeded for a large part of my life. My drug using and sexcapades found me some really dangerous situations, where getting vulnerable and showing my softest spots could have ended me up with fatal injuries. She just wants to protect me in the best way she knows how.

Why do I sexualise women? Firstly, to clarify, I don’t sexualise all women, only the one’s I get vulnerable with, which makes an authentic, honest, raw relationship, a very difficult thing to have, despite my best efforts. The moment we get close and I open up and she sees a side of me that nobody else gets to see, I sexualise her, because I am afraid of being vulnerable. For it is through seduction that I am able to make her loose control, making her more vulnerable than me, which either gives me back the power or brings her down to the same level. It gives me something I can control, which makes the loss of control more bearable – A clever little coping method, which has served me well for 30 years – Now it is just driving me crazy!

So what’s the solution? That’s the million dollar question! The one I don’t really know the answer to. Today I put program in place. I rang my sponsor who didn’t answer. I rang one woman who seemed more baffled that me, the next gave me clarity around my feelings and when the third didn’t pick up, I rang ‘family’. (Hahaha, I can’t believe I can say that – feels AMAZING!!!) – She totally got where I was coming from, she is new in program, so I felt slightly uneasy offloading on her, but her perspective was so refreshing, so I made another call to family (hahaha! I fucking did it again!) – we had a lovely chat and everything felt ok. After that, I felt ok to sit next to my sexual self and understand that she is just a part of me, similar to part of the women who I reached out to. She is no different and is only actually that powerful when I give her the power.

I am powerless, but I am not alone. I am out of control, but in good hands… God has got my back!

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My Life – The Gift

 

The last two days have been something quite special, like nothing I have really ever experienced before. I work two jobs and study two days a week. I volunteer once a week and have got the odd riding/pilates client dotted here and there. In a nutshell, I don’t really have a chance to experience a weekend or day off of any kind. I know some people would go as far as to say I have replaced my other addictions with work or busyness, but with the absolute freedom around my hours and getting to do the things I love doing the most, I find it hard to believe that I could qualify for workaholism.

Last week I went for a massage, did a dance class, had a therapy session, did yoga, attended meetings and had coffee with a good friend and this week I have had two rides on the beach, had dinner with an amazing couple, coffee & Portuguese tarts (the BEST!), a sleepover and then another incredible dinner at a friends house, who I believe has just taught me how to love unconditionally. Looking back, it all seems quite incredible and the week is not even over yet. If I had given myself these last two days off I might’ve just stayed in bed, felt very relaxed, but perhaps nowhere near as rich in experience.

I am beyond grateful! When I left yesterday afternoon, I drove through Threntham, on one of the most beautiful country drives I have ever been on. (If you haven’t noticed yet, I absolutely love driving in beautiful places. My dream is to own a vintage Kombi and take up to three friends road tripping around to the most beautiful places in Australia) The drive was absolutely gorgeous, the weather was perfect. Blue skies and sunshine, lush green grass and the lakes glistening in the sun as I drove past. It is a 2 hour drive, which seems like a lot, but when you have some great music and the heavenly scenery, it is an absolute pleasure!

The night before I left I made dinner for myself and made up a container for my housemate’s lunch, just because I can. It is interesting, because I read in this “Earn what you Deserve” book that by giving freely, it shows that you have faith that you will be looked after in return. The book was referring to money and to giving it away anonymously, so this scenario was slightly different, but it interesting how the principle applied. I went for dinner at the house of a lovely couple, who I consider to be the closest thing that I have to family here in Melbourne. They made an unbelievable Chilli con carne – This was the best I had ever eaten, I am fussy and this was sublime! I loved it so much she gave me a tupperware to take home with me. We went for coffee and I insisted I pay, so I bought coffee and Portuguese tarts. When my friend went to the bathroom, she bought more tarts and insisted I took the tarts I had bought, home with me.

Later, I headed into the city and joined a friend for dinner. So wholesome and delicious! Right up my alley in terms of the kind of food I like to eat. Roast pork, roast vegetables and salad with a homemade salad dressing that was absolutely to die for. We had a soul quenching conversation – well, a number of them actually. I got the opportunity to be vulnerable, honest and real… to the core. I felt nurtured and loved and the love that went into the cooking was apparent. After cleaning up she handed me the pork roast container with what was left of the roast and the salad… my lunch, she said, for the next day. She insisted I take it, I couldn’t refuse, nor did I want to. The universe was providing for me, the universe was giving back. I made one meal in good faith for my housemate and I received two in return from two completely different people.

I guess all I can really do is say thank you! My life, this beautiful thing!

Family

I have struggled my whole life to connect to and to be accepting of gay women. What I have learnt, recently, is that when I reject lesbian women, I am actually rejecting the lesbian in me and it makes sense, because I am a complete homophobe and the self love and the love for my sexuality doesn’t exactly grow freely in the climate which is my life.

You may ask, how can a lesbian be a homophobe? I ask myself the exact same question. I love women and I have been with many women, yet I am totally unable to intigrate myself into the LGBTQI community, because I am overwhelmed with judgement and fear. I judge myself, which I project onto these women and my greatest fear is that if I am one, my family will reject me. It sounds strange when I have been out of the closet for 12 years now, but my decision on the partner I am with is so firmly rooted in the fear of whether she is good enough to bring home to my mother.

So who am I looking for? The perfect lady, who is very lady like. She can’t be too young or too old, too tall or too short and for God’s sake no tattoos or short hair. Her body will be judged, so it must be skinny/lean. The smarter the better. She should clean the dishes after I cook and no matter how much my mom loves her or how much we love each other, there is absolutely no holding hands at the dinner table!

Makes me sick just reading about it, but the homophobia and the racism from my childhood is so ingrained in me, anything less than that does not qualify and if the bar is set that high for other women, you can only imagine how high it is set for me. My mom accepts my gayness conditionally as long as the relationship I choose is palatable to the family at the dinner table. its probably eased off a bit as time has gone by, but the initial shame is still there. I don’t feel I could ever be who I am with a girl without it making my family uncomfortable.

A lesbian woman referred to her friend the other day as family, she had to ellabrate a little before I realised that she classed me in the same category and that all three of us are part of the LGBTIQ family. A little embarrassed At my misunderstanding I couldn’t quite comprehend the magnitude at what she had just said to me… A few days later, I broke down to a girl friend when I explained how meaningful it was to be called family.

For the first time in my life I felt accepted, not for who you think I should be, but rather who I am. I felt like I wasn’t alone and that I was part of… I felt like I was part of a family.

Emotional Echo

I am lying in bed this morning, which is just heavenly after a weekend of hard work! I am struggling to resist acting out. Had to call in God a number of times already to help remove the obsession. Ahhh… The joys of being an addict! My addict really never sleeps.

There is a benefit to my behaviour though. I spent years using all kinds of things to mask my emotions, so even if I do feel something, I am so disconnected from my body, I actually have no idea what it is, or really even how to acknowledge it. My defence mechanisms kick in long before I have chance to even connect with the feeling, so that I’ll be walking along minding my own business, when, suddenly, I fall off the face of the planet and into fantasy. It’s pretty full on! Before I started recovery, I didn’t even recognise I did it. Then when I did start recognising it, I would get really angry with myself for doing it, because “I should know better”, no worse, “I should be able to control it” – haha!

I am an addict, I have a disease, I am sick. What I can’t control is my first thought and I most certainly can’t do anything constructive if I get angry with it. What I can do is arrest it as soon as possible and pause for a minute and look at what I am trying to tell myself. I had a massive therapy session on Friday and we touched on some of the most shameful points. It is the first time in recovery that I have experienced a feeling of such a great magnitude. I then ran flat out with work last weekend and now I am experiencing, what I can best describe as an emotional echo. It normally takes 4 days, so experiencing this on day 3 is huge progress! 🙂

When I was young, I am learning, I developed a number of different ego states to  remove me from the painful reality I found myself in. These ego states come into play well and truly in my adult life, when I am triggered back to the unresolved pain from when I was, let’s say, 5years old. I look at them as a blessing now, because they are the indicator lights going on, telling me that I am having a feeling.

So my method is simple. I live my life, as present as I can be. When I find myself drifting off into fantasy, or sexualising someone (which would normally send me into a shame spiral, which ends in me getting angry with myself – and the anger is a lot easier to feel than pain) – I stop. I take a breath (a few actually and maybe even do a little meditation around it), I do everything I can to get back into my body and then I say thank you! I don’t know what I am feeling, but I accept that it must be quite a big feeling for me to feel the need to subconsciously put defence mechanisms in place. I ask myself what I need and if I don’t know what that is I just look after myself in the best way that I know how to, because something big is going on and I need to hold my hand through it and love myself, so that maybe, just maybe… I might be able to feel safe enough to express that feeling.

I am a child in a big grown up world. Anger and judgement will only scare me more. I need love and encouragement if I am going to express this stuff.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

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This morning I am truly grateful, which is surprising, given the start I had. I woke up at 3:45am, I accidentally turned my electric blanket on too high and I ended up cooking. I woke up sweating in my unicorn onesie, turned down my blanket and went back to sleep, all to be woken up by my alarm at 4:30am on a Sunday morning. I was due to leave for work at 6am and needed to do a little program before hand, so the day seemed manageable. (I don’t dare miss a morning of program)

After a huge amount of reluctance and several snooze alarms later, I woke up. The internal negotiation started and I really had to pep talk myself into getting up. Cold and unwilling, I pried myself out of bed, got some caffeine into my system, did program, got ready and got into my car. A really good friend messaged me in response to a daily reading I had sent her, glad to see she was awake, I gave her a call. This is when everything changed.

We had an amazing conversation, we got vulnerable. Shared our fears and our dreams and it became a ping pong game, where inspiration and admiration were the balls bouncing between our paddles. By the time the conversation drew to an end, I was rolling into the pink sky of Melbourne, approaching the Bolte bridge. The panoramic, tinted sky was the backdrop to this beautiful city and then as I sailed around the bend, just incase the gorgeous sunrise wasn’t enough. Three hot air balloons floated over the city on my left and the full moon glared through the clouds on my right… If I had to picture heaven, I would imagine it looking something like that. I was glad I woke up and showed up for life this morning, I was rewarded with such a beautiful picture of the city I live in and to the love and light from a special friend.

8 months ago I had no one to call. I was a recovering addict, who had spent her first year in a fellowship, yet totally isolated from it, because I was involved in a relationship. My ex partner was in the fellowship too, so my disease cleverly deceived me by making me believe I was reaching out and connecting to other members, when actually all I did was hide behind her and considered calls to her, outreach and connection. When we broke up in April 2016, I got to taste the loneliness and the emptiness that sat underneath the relationship distraction.

For six months I was in pieces. I had intermittent contact with my ex, because I had no one else to call other than my mother (which for a 30 year old woman, I think, is a depressing truth). Riddled with fear, petrified to pick up the phone, I had lost hope. All of a sudden, waking up in the morning, if I did or I didn’t, didn’t seem to matter to me. In short, I was in the darkest place I had ever been in my life, with nowhere to go and no one to ask either.

My recovery is completely unconventional and much to the dismay and criticism of the 12 step purists, it’s worked! I started out trying to prove I didn’t have a problem with drugs, all to learn, not only am I a drug addict, but I am an alcoholic as well. I went to rehab to find this out and on my 30 day milestone I was on a plane to Melbourne to live with my girlfriend, who was as many days clean as me. They suggest you do your first year in recovery without relationships, I see now why, but I did my first year in a relationship. I did 70 meetings in 90 days before moving to the country. Unable to attend more than one meeting a week, I became a workaholic, who listened to 1-2 speaker tapes a day, did a bucketload of step work and called my sponsor once every 2 weeks, when everything was going well. Hahaha, how the hell did I survive that?

The relationship was a good buffer and I am actually grateful, because it kept me afloat. When the relationship ended though, I was so afraid to bump into her at a meeting, I stayed away from town and went to the only meetings I had access to in the country. These meetings were for alcoholics. I ramped up my program to full throttle, because I was so alone and in so much pain. I was doing everything I could to get some relief from that voice of self-hatred in my head, which left me so beaten down, I felt suicidal. One day I needed to buy a pair of work boots on the other side of town. It was a public holiday and I wanted to get my 18 month key tag, so I drove to Richmond to celebrate. After the meeting I drove to the store and had to drive through Kew, where my ex partner and I had spent the last Christmas together. The overwhelming feeling of longing crippled me and I was desperate for help. I needed relief!

I went online and looked up a meeting which addressed my issues around love. There was one on that evening at 5pm. I walked into it as a last resort. For the first time I was able to share about the thing I had kept bottled up inside for 6 months, after trying to be respectful of the singleness of purpose in the different meetings. The relief washed over me and I thanked God for guiding me to it. I got a sponsor and started working the steps in this new & different way. The purists picked at my process and judged that I was working two programs at once. I ignored them and picked up a third, to deal with issues around my codependency.

If you are an addict like me, you would understand when I say that sometimes I loose motivation for what I am doing, that doesn’t mean I give up, that just means it gets shelved and instead of procrastinating and doing nothing to wait for the motivation and inspiration to come while it is on the shelf. I rather pick up program in another area of my life that needs work, so that I continue to keep the momentum and that ball rolling forward. This is how I work my program, which works for me, but may not work for others. What is it that I get from working it this way? Well it’s simple, every program has got tools, I go in, I learn how to use them, I take what I need and I leave the rest.

First I learnt to not pick up that first drug, then I learnt to pray like an alcoholic. Then I learnt to do step work like a drug addict. I learnt to make 3 calls a day like a love addict, I learnt to do step work like and journal a sex addict. I learnt to not get too involved in controlling my sponsees like a codependent. Then I learnt to validate myself like an under earner. I learnt to do self-love acts like a love addict (top lines) and self worth to come up with my own 7th step prayer as a codependent – and what have I ended up with a result of all of this?

  • A life worth staying sober for
  • Having a connection with God, so that I never feel alone
  • My dreams manifest the moment I put them onto paper
  • A string of fabulous women I have the pleasure of guiding in the way I have worked my program
  • 10 esteemable acts
  • Self-love and self-validation
  • And most importantly friends, like the one I was talking to this morning, who inspire me and make the most mundane day seem absolutely magical.

WINNING!!!

My 7th Step Prayer

I was struggling to connect with the generic 7th step prayer, so I looked at the list of all my defects and prayed for the opposite of. This has become part of my morning ritual… Here’s what I wrote:

***Please God let me forgive people, even myself and deal with them with empathy and compassion, even if I do not understand where they are coming from at the time. Please help me to let go of who I think I should be. Please let me be gentle with me and silence my inner critic and help me to see that I am human and that it’s ok to make mistakes. Please let me be more God-centred and allow me to give back through service. Please allow me to be honest with me and open minded enough to see past my denial. Please help me to love myself and live with integrity, by being held accountable for my actions and nobody else’s and the wisdom to know that no one else is to blame for me. Please help me to have the courage to walk through my fears to find the gifts of trusting you on the other side. Please keep me present in this moment so I can enjoy the beautiful life you have given me. Please help me God to be proud of the work we have done and value the progress, allow me to detach from the outcome. Please God give me the strength to honour my commitments and to show up and take only what I have earned. Give me the strength to only say yes to what I can commit to and not to just say yes to people please. Please God help me change, I will continue to work for you, so you can work through me. Please give me the willingness to continue to try.***

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The Search for Self Worth

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I have just arrived in a nice comfortable place, excited to write, with nothing to write about – this is a lie I tell myself, because what I am dealing with is the internal struggle with Self. It is self-doubt, which has me questioning whether or not my expression of self is even good enough to begin writing. I have started typing, regardless, because if you are anything like me, you know that, like everything in recovery, even if I don’t want to do it and it doesn’t feel good, it does when its done. Once its done I end up questioning why I was even resisting in the first place.

I had a therapy session today, with a therapist who, I believe,  God has chosen to introduce me to, to help me fly. I went in feeling amazing and I came out just as good (for a change), but I have an overwhelming burning in my chest. We keep opening major wounds together and I am left with the feelings I used to use on – God only gives me what I can handle – so does my therapist. Thanks to the program and a bucket load of work I have done on Self, I am able to sit with that feeling, not judge it, live through it and realise that it’s not actually going to kill me.

I have likened therapy to entering a wrestling match with a Gorilla – The Gorilla always wins and I end up pummelled and in pieces, to put it mildly. Today’s session was on money, or under earning, rather, which is funny, because I swear I started therapy to get over my ex 🙂

I have spoken quite a lot about the different addictions I have. I came in for drugs, but when I found a program for sex addiction, I felt like I had found my home. When my therapist brought money to my attention, well… This is the thing that has actually brought me to my knees. There were two things that were off the table when I was growing up; we did not speak about sex and talking about money was totally out of the question!

When the topic of money came up in today’s session, I shrivelled up, hoping I could just dissolve into thin air – then the topic of goals came up and my lack of and I felt overwhelmed with shame. I don’t know in which part of my life I lost the ability or confidence to dream. I remember, when I was young, I drew the farm mansion that I was going to live in, with my vegetable garden, animals, rolling paddocks for all of my horses with a forest at the bottom of the property, with a river running through it. There was a track around the property, an indoor jumping arena and an american style barn. I did want it to be fully sustainable, even back then.

Something happened, so that I have not been able to think of that dream until this very moment, but what’s worse, something’s happened to make me believe that it’s not ok to dream like that. “I am asking too much, being too greedy or I am in way over my head”, this is the internal dialogue that chastises me even at a mere mention of the topic. I don’t cry often. I have been seeing my therapist for just over 4 months now, we dig so deep and she has maybe only seen me cry twice. Today she asked me a question, which broke me… I was so full of shame for not knowing the answer, but even more shameful about trying to think of an answer. The question was simple:

“What are you worth, Nicole?”

Today, I learnt what a shame attack was. I get them often, in varying degrees. I have them when I am asked really difficult questions, which I do not know the answers to. I have them when I am dealing with authority figures. I even have them when I am trying to order a meal in a restaurant and don’t know what to choose, because I feel some things are too expensive and if I order the cheapest thing on the menu it would make me look poor. When the pressure gets too much… I want to RUN! I want to run far away and hide, praying that I don’t bring my whip along to beat down on myself, but when I am running from a shame attack, it is almost a given that I will. Its funny that I run away from something and into Self, so that I can beat myself down, until I am left fighting for my very last breath.

I feel like this post has a bit of a gloomy undertone, but if you are anything like me, I know you will relate. The hope for me and that warm light kissing me at the end of this tunnel, is that, today, I didn’t run. I faced it and although I couldn’t answer her question, I am willing to sit with her and work with her until I can. Because the truth is, I want to know this part of myself, because that part is sitting right next to the girl who could dream up the beautiful farm. Both parts are fundamental to who I am today and my deepest desire is to, no longer, turn my back on myself – any part of me… I deserve that!

My Spiritual Toolkit

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I have had an interesting day. Role play at uni was fun. I got to pretend to be a lesbian, drug addict, who can’t focus on anything other than obsessive thinking around her girlfriend 🙂 hahaha – It was a good way of gauging how people actually feel about these things, before I just come out with it all. Thank goodness I am not obsessing about girlfriends anymore- this is all thanks to a program (or 5), which I haven’t really spoken too much about in this blog yet.

After coming into recovery just over 2 years ago, I have partaken in 5 different fellowships. Alcohol, drugs, sex, codependency and money. I have not followed the usual format of work one program and then move onto the next, or just work one program, make that your primary and stick to it. Instead I have worked 5 programs simultaneously, 2-3 actively at once, with the others ready to go, should I feel like I need a slightly different perspective, or more clarity. The benefit of this method, is I have been able to take what I need, from each, and leave the rest. The end result – A pretty kitted out toolkit, which may make the most complex of maintenance problems a little easier to fix.

We got locked out of the support house today, my clients and I. It was a bit of a frantic dash around to get a spare set of keys, before the agency closed and in the end it was a successful mission. Upon completion of my mission, my boss asked me if I would have time tomorrow to extend my shift. I checked my diary and saw that I had clients, but knew I could move them around to facilitate this. After calling around and leaving a few messages to rearrange my day, it dawned on me that tomorrow is only Friday and that I had just messaged everyone to shuffle my Saturday clients around – Hahaha Whoops!

A little damage control needed to be done. A few clients asked me if I was going nuts and I guess in the past I would have taken the whip out on myself over the mistake. Thanks to the tools I have picked up along the way, I was able to laugh about it (like normal people do). The 2 tools that I picked up, this week, have really helped my self esteem and arrested my need for validation from others.

  1. The first tool I picked up from I book I am reading, “Earn What You Deserve” – Jerrold Mundis. In the book it asks me to draw up a list of esteemable acts. I came up with 10, but I am sure more will come to me as time goes on:

What acts do I need to do to respect/admire me?

  • Volunteer to help kids with disabilities, horse ride
  • Smilling at strangers
  • Being a role model for kids
  • Engaging with close friends like family
  • Calling both my grandmothers
  • Taking the dog for a walk
  • Talking to newcomers
  • Enriching people’s lives
  • Showing up for work
  • Create a blog and share something everyday

2. The second tool, is to validate myself every time I do something (anything) – I picked this up from a speaker tape, which is a link available under the audio resources menu on this site:

“Hey! Good Job cleaning that dish Nicole! I’m proud of me! That’s more God’s success than mine.”

“Hey! Good Job writing this blog Nicole! I am proud of me! That’s more God’s success than mine.”
Crazy? Yes just a little, but I tried it and it works. I am just following suggestions and seeing what tools work for me. Recovery tastes a little sweeter and my life just gets better and better. So does the way I look at it 😉

 

Zumb-huh?

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This was me last night (Jim Carey)

Firstly I would like to express my gratitude… I love my job. I am a support worker, who is blessed to have a job requirement of accompanying a client to gym. In short I get paid to work out, so absolutely no additional motivation required. Total bum in the butter moment!

Being a fully qualified pilates instructor, I really value exercise, though I am not the best one to get myself up to do it. I am constantly having to find new innovative ways to get off my ass and into a class of some sort. I put a number of things onto a vision board and 3 of them have manifested this week. 1. Blog, 2. Yoga and 3. Dance. Having little to no experience in all three departments I had absolutely no idea what to expect.

I started off with Yin yoga, in the attempt to slow myself down – this was a mistake as going from 200km/h to 5km/h takes a lot longer when your car has no breaks. So I cranked it up a notch and did back to basics instead. It is a lot harder, so requires less time per pose, which means less time to think – with my obsessive thinking brain this suits me much better.

Anyway, thats enough about yoga, lets talk about Zumba. I put dance on my vision board with the expectation that it might look like “No lights No lycra” dance experience. http://nolightsnolycra.com/
“No lights No lycra” is a bunch of women who get together to dance in the dark and its all about freedom of movement and no judgement – being the hider that I am, this kind of concept was particularly appealing to me, because I would have the opportunity to express myself without being seen.

God had a different plan for me, “If I want to make God laugh – I should try to make a plan.” Goodbye no lights no lycra and hello Zumba (Be careful what you wish for!). The class was done in the light in a gym class in front of the mirrors and my client. We were doing one of the sexiest hip rolling dance types out there. The instructions were simple, “Try to follow my feet, the arms will come after and if all else fails, at the very least, try to face the same direction.” Hahaha – I couldn’t even get the direction right some times, but I did give it 100%. I felt like a goose. I didn’t dare look in the mirror, because I KNOW my hips don’t roll that way. I had fun and so did my client. We were overwhelmed with those deep belly laughs and worked up a great sweat.haha.jpg

Six months ago I don’t think I would have had the courage to join in, if Zumba instructor invited us to. The progress and the benefits of the work I have been doing is apparent and that is a feat in itself. Even though I never thought I could get any joy out of doing a Zumba class, I find myself walking around today totally invigorated – I haven’t felt this good since dancing, for the first time in recovery, at the Byron Bay convention. I am so happy and inspired. I had a classmate ask me, if I was high on something. She just couldn’t understand the good mood. I am absolutely flying!

Last night I was able to let go of my perfectionist and just have fun. I was not afraid to make mistakes. What a feeling!!!