The Turning Point

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This seems to happen monthly for me and is mostly hormone induced – need to get more vigilant around taking my evening primrose 😉

I have had a series of little awakenings lately and I am just so grateful! To get 100% honest, I am a little scared and my heart is really sprinting around with anxiety. The change is coming – it has to, because the pain of staying the same has become greater than the fear of change. The last leaves have fallen off of the autumn trees and the season has exhausted itself… No more holding on, I just need to let go and accept that the winter has come.

Aside from the soon to be altered state of affairs. I have realised I am a validation addict and that it is a undeniable need that I have always tried to look outside of myself to fulfil. Initially I needed very little validation, but in the progressive nature of my illness, I find myself thirsty for more, yet I find no body of water full enough to begin to quench it. I need you to tell me I am good enough, that you are happy with my work. I feel exhilarated when you do, but the high wears off quicker each time and it’s not long before I’m a shaking mess in the corner, waiting for my next hit.

How to change my childhood tape? How do I give myself what I am longing for others to provide? I don’t know how and it is in that admission that I can humbly ask God. Everything I have wanted in life, I have had the ability to get – this has been proven time and time again, so where does the doubt come in?  “Ask and you shall receive.” – Please help me believe.

I always feel like I want too much, or it doesn’t make sense or how can I possibly have it all? It came to me in the shower tonight – It’s not just about people, it’s about animals too.
Rehabilitation: “the process of returning to a healthy or good way of life” – It is about people, places, things – rehabilitation and restoration – I’m writing this and it makes no sense what soever, but I think I have just figured out my goal. Another member sent me a number of an equine therapist, I called her today. I didn’t speak to her, but I left a message. She sent me a text wanting to connect. So it begins… Watch this space!

 

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