The Ugly Duckling

ugly duck

So my earlier post, I expressed a little resentment towards another member. I have been searching deep within to try to see why it bugged me so much. I think from a very young age I realised I was different. If anybody is in to numerology, each member of my family is a “7” and I am a number “2”, which on the number scale, are polar opposites. I love differently, I give differently and I connect with the outside world in a completely different way.

I outreached quite a bit about the way I work my program and the way others work theirs, just to get some clear perspective on things. Each member I spoke to told me they finished the 12 steps in one fellowship before moving on, but everybody has their own way. The old me would have tried to change, to avoid judgement, but fuck it! What I do is good enough and who I am is just right for me, despite the fact that I am different.

I am a lesbian with internalised homophobia as a result of conditioning. I was abandoned by my father when I was young, so naturally to hold on to the one parental relationship I had left, instead of letting my mom reject me, I rejected myself. I have asked the question before, what happened to that girl who used to dream of the sustainable horse farm? She is pushed so far down, with every other part that makes me me, because she is beyond afraid of being rejected for who she really is, because being gay is actually a huge part of that. “I don’t know what I would do if Tanya or Nicole ever came home with a black man. Actually nothing would be worse than one of them coming home with a woman!” – That was the day. It was said in front of the whole family. I was 16 and toying with the idea of girls in my head, until that very day. My family is just old school thats all, but unfortunately it has had one hell of an impact on my life.

It’s a lonely world living an existence with no place in the world. My family only accept part of me and I am too afraid to even venture into my new family, into the gay community. I have an amazing therapist though. She is facilitating my full escape from the closet. Don’t get me wrong, I am out. I have been out for 12 years, but admission and acceptance are two totally different things. I don’t accept my gayness and in turn I reject a huge side of who I am. When I was growing up I dressed like a boy. I loved it. I had male friends and I always used to check out what they were wearing. I wore a top hat and tails to my dad’s wedding and used to cringe when I had to put on the dress for my grandmother.

What do you want to be when you grow up Nicole?… “A boy” hahaha! I had fire engines and I would only buy Ken. I didn’t care what you thought of me, all I wanted to do was wear the baggiest mad dog pants and t-shirts and caps and ride quad bikes and horses. Climb trees until I broke my arm, ride faster on my bike until I took off half my face. Climb on the roof of the house and jump onto the lawn, just me and my best friend: Josh, Allister, Matthew and there was one in nursery school, but I cant remember his name. Today it’s weird. I hold my own with the boys, but I don’t quite fit and I definitely don’t fit with the ladies either. I am a little odd, but thats ok, not too sure I have found my tribe just yet (been looking in all the wrong places really!)

9 July I will try a lesbian party (trying to keep calm and not back out) – I have hosted lesbian events back home, they have been quite fun when I am too drunk to have any inhibitions, so this is really a whole different kettle of fish. I am going with some sober ladies, so at least I’ll be safe on the sobriety front. Do I know what to expect? No, idea! I guess I am just going to have to go and pray and try and sit through the uncomfortability – In the name of finding a family I fit in to 🙂

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