This morning I am feeling energetic and inspired. I would love to say “great”, but I am consciously taking steps not to judge my emotional state of being, because the feelings will still be there whether I think they are good or bad. I have really caught up on some sleep in the last two days and as a result I have started to dream again. I have also been off coffee now, this is day 3, naturally my craving for sugar has spiked, but being the addict I am, I am not surprised my addiction is trying to manifest. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and, I find, quite creative, when it comes to finding ways in.
Today I am grateful for the awareness around this. That even when I want to eat a whole slab of chocolate, I don’t have to judge myself for it. After years and years of using all kinds of substances, people, places and things to put on top of my emotions, I am really not surprised that my first instinct is to reach outside of myself to find what I truly have the ability to manifest from within. It starts with the way I talk to myself. A gentle, judgement free approach to self.
This morning I woke up at 5:15am. I left my dream book next to my bed and I had a great dream to fill it with. I have been married to myself for over a month now and leaving thoughtful things all over the place to make my life easier makes me one grateful wife. It is the little things! I didn’t need a coffee and thank God the withdrawal headache is gone. I have had the opportunity to work some more program last night and this morning. That paired with some R&R, has really just put me into the best space.
Yesterday, after a conversation with another member, I felt quite low, a little resentful actually. He questioned my program and the fact that I hadn’t finished the steps in any of them. Part of me got my back up, I know this is my stuff, because after writing my earning history, I really see that being a non finisher is a distinct pattern in my life. So I did inventory on it and shared this with my sponsor, so that I don’t hold onto the resentment, because I really don’t want to be sick over resenting a friend. There was a huge part of me, that thought, “Tonight, I am going to sit down and hammer out the rest of the steps in the drug program and I’ll show him!!!”, but then reading one of the symptoms of under earning is: the compulsive need to prove – I decided against that idea.
I have an action buddy in the money program. I gave her three tasks that I was going get completed yesterday, so I did those and felt absolutely amazing! I am feeling exhilarated and my life is just getting better and better, so why do I feel the need to prove myself? It is my understanding of the program, that you continue to work the steps even once you have finished them and I have every intention of finishing them, in my own time though. People in the love & money fellowship all have 15 years+ sobriety and each of them say how lucky I am to have found these rooms so early in my recovery, how they wish they could have found the different fellowships so early. I also have just expanded my 12 step network, by exposing myself to much older cleaner members, but role models, who have healthy relationships and are financially secure, because they have brought God into every aspect of their lives. Through these programs the connection has grown on an international level. I speak to a woman in Spain, who would have helped me set up in Europe if my visa didn’t work out here. A woman in Scotland, my sponsor lives in Sydney, I outreach with women in UK and USA.
I am writing this post to self validate really. When I look at it like this and see how my life has changed inside and out as a result of the hard work I am putting in, I don’t question what I am doing. I am still an alcoholic under earner, sex & drug addict avoidant with codependent tendencies hahaha! I will still need every fellowship today as much as I will in 20 years time. I accept this.
My addiction manifests and I simply deal with whichever area it decides to manifest into, because if I don’t deal with the shame associated with this money stuff, it will drive me to use. If I don’t deal with the relationship stuff, I might find myself in a really toxic relationship, which either, will make me want to use, or my default, I end up wanting to commit suicide. I am happy to binge eat on any of these emotions, so if I put on weight, that too will have me wanting to use to get skinny again. Do I have a drug problem? YES! Huge one actually! But it is all this other stuff that will drive me to taking a drug. I honour my recovery too much to leave it unattended.
“Letting Go of Old Beliefs
Try harder. Do better. Be perfect.
These messages are tricks that people have played on us. No matter how hard we try, we think we have to do better. Perfection always eludes us and keeps us unhappy with the good we’ve done.
Messages of perfectionism are tricks because we can never achieve their goal. We cannot feel good about ourselves or what we have done while these messages are driving us. We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.
We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.
We can be who we are, and do it the way we do it—today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.
God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies. I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.”
Hazelden – The Language of Letting Go