It’s the third step again! It really is my favourite step and for me it’s all about courage and trust. It requires that I have enough courage to take a leap of faith and trust that God will have my back.
I have just chosen to change sponsors. This has been one of the hardest decisions in my life, because my gay male sponsor (who I am not at risk of sexualising) is an amazing human being and one of the best sponsors I have ever had. He really has got so much strength in recovery and such a strong message, I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for him. Unfortunately every time I saw him, I was overwhelmed with shame… it was intermittent and hard to pin, plus it flowed in between moments of greatness, so I always questioned myself. This is trauma “bondish”- Trauma Bonds
It is through him that I realised that I actually have daddy issues. For me having a male sponsor was just not working out anymore. I need nurture. I chose a woman in recovery, who I absolutely admire. She is a strong heterosexual woman, who really has her shit together. She is a power house financially. She is doing sober dating. She surrounds herself with strong women who are in healthy relationships and she is just so insightful.
She explained to me about the power of choice, by sharing her experience and I think it has literally just started to resonate with me. There was a point in my recovery where my best thinking could be arrested. It was the point that I realised 3 seconds into a fantasy that I was doing it, and thanks to the help of God, I was able to arrest it and examine what had just happened prior, for me to want to escape into my head like that. The day it happened, I had just spoken to my gran on the phone and she just dismissed me and then when I expressed my feelings to my mom about it, she just laughed it off, saying, “You know how the women are in our family” – I am not surprised I drifted off into my head, because the theme of rejection, followed by being laughed at was one that stems from my early childhood and when I was feeling that way when I was 5 years old it was pretty painful and the only way I knew how to survive was to disappear into a nicer world… The one that lives in my head.
It was thanks to the fantasy that I realised this and actually I can use it as a tool to help reconnect me with my feelings. Often if I examine the nature of the fantasy, rather than what it is about, I start to be able to pin point the unmet need. The need to be seen, the need to be heard, the need to be rescued or the need to rescue, etc.
I just spoke to my friend. The conversation was raw and honest as usual. It was authentic and gave me a lot of food for thought. She recited the prayer, “God remove the fear from my life, so I can see the truth about myself”. After the conversation I felt the obsession creeping in and by the grace of God, I was able to arrest it and focus on writing this. I made a choice, I chose not to engage. I feel powerful now, but I know this strength does not come from me, how can it? Even after my best efforts, I was nowhere. Without God, living life is like trying to eat soup with a fork. I have a big bowl full of abundance, yet no matter how fast I move I am still hungry.
I choose recovery and I choose to remain in my power. My disease is powerful, but nowhere near as powerful as God. Now all I can do is meditate and really get to the bottom of what the feeling is that I am trying so hard to escape. I definitely feel shame around the money stuff and fear around abandonment… I think it is time for me to go back into my childhood and look at where this is coming from. I am grateful for the perspective and for a solution. Recovery, for me, though painful, is not about suffering. It is about feeling and being and through that knowing. Knowing myself just that little bit better, so I can really start to look after me.