I feel like someone has pulled barb wire out of my stomach, through my mouth. This is the most debilitating disease! I joined my first meeting in a financial program tonight and aside from feeling fear and shame beyond anything I have ever felt before, I was met with hostility from the person I reached out to. I heard some great things in the meeting, but it has also brought to surface all the shame. That shame combined with another member’s hostility has just caused me to downward spiral a bit. This is my attempt to shine the light on shame instead of nurturing it in the secrecy, silence and judgement.
Self-empathy is the tool here – where did I put that darn thing?!? All I want to do is isolate, I want to hide! This hurts too much! After all the work I have done and pushed through so much, I am at the beginning again. The hardest part of any program is the first bit… The only thing that brings relief is getting a few days up. This pain will pass, it will just take time and some work. I am trying to reassure myself, because it really doesn’t feel that way. I need help, may my Higher Power guide me.
Recovery is no walk in the park! Otherwise everybody would be doing it… Grateful to God and grateful to the connections I have made through working my program. They just pulled me out of isolation and out of the funk. I still remember the first 18 months, when I couldn’t even pick up the phone… How things have changed!