Today was hard for me. I gave myself the morning off. I had to pray for abstinence again, because my body feels like it is possessed. This is a-day-at-a-time program for me and sometimes I am just doing it by the hour. There is a sexually addicted woman who lives inside, who is really ready to jump out anytime if I’m not paying attention.
I have tried a number of different approaches and all I can tell you is what doesn’t work. Control (or containment) – she gets off on being restrained and dominated, so the hard hand approach just excites her. Avoiding people completely works until I see them again and then she barges out like a caged animal who hasn’t been fed in weeks. I have judged her and tried to just ignore her, but this just leaves her feeling rejected, which she then projects onto me and well, you get the point. I have done everything I could possibly do to get rid of her, but it’s like she is attached 😉
So I have no other choice, than to comprehend the first step. I am powerless over her and she is making my life unmanageable. No amount of control or my own will power is strong enough to stop her, so I think the best thing to do is surrender and invite her to the table. What I have realised is that I am rejecting the very thing that has tried to protect me and succeeded for a large part of my life. My drug using and sexcapades found me some really dangerous situations, where getting vulnerable and showing my softest spots could have ended me up with fatal injuries. She just wants to protect me in the best way she knows how.
Why do I sexualise women? Firstly, to clarify, I don’t sexualise all women, only the one’s I get vulnerable with, which makes an authentic, honest, raw relationship, a very difficult thing to have, despite my best efforts. The moment we get close and I open up and she sees a side of me that nobody else gets to see, I sexualise her, because I am afraid of being vulnerable. For it is through seduction that I am able to make her loose control, making her more vulnerable than me, which either gives me back the power or brings her down to the same level. It gives me something I can control, which makes the loss of control more bearable – A clever little coping method, which has served me well for 30 years – Now it is just driving me crazy!
So what’s the solution? That’s the million dollar question! The one I don’t really know the answer to. Today I put program in place. I rang my sponsor who didn’t answer. I rang one woman who seemed more baffled that me, the next gave me clarity around my feelings and when the third didn’t pick up, I rang ‘family’. (Hahaha, I can’t believe I can say that – feels AMAZING!!!) – She totally got where I was coming from, she is new in program, so I felt slightly uneasy offloading on her, but her perspective was so refreshing, so I made another call to family (hahaha! I fucking did it again!) – we had a lovely chat and everything felt ok. After that, I felt ok to sit next to my sexual self and understand that she is just a part of me, similar to part of the women who I reached out to. She is no different and is only actually that powerful when I give her the power.
I am powerless, but I am not alone. I am out of control, but in good hands… God has got my back!