Oh gosh, I have resistance to writing about this, because its so close to home and it’s really caught me off guard, but I have to be honest. It’s like I say to people in the rooms – “I am all program, Program, PROGRAM… until, something shiny walks past!”
Hahaha, it’s like one day I was walking along minding my own business, when I accidentally tripped and fell on her face. – This is not what happened, but I really don’t quite know how this happened and what this, actually even is.
I met a really good friend when I went up for a convention, not too long ago. It was that trip that I took the advise of my sponsee, when she told me to write out what my perfect girl looked like, after I mentioned that I wasn’t even sure if I had a type. I wrote it out, didn’t think much of it, but on the plane ride home, upon reflection, I realised I had just described, my new friend, soon to be my best friend. I just laughed about it (be careful what you wish for, Nicole. It will manifest!)
The diary entry has long since been forgotten and I have had the opportunity of getting to know one of the most incredible souls I have ever come across. She is now my absolute best friend and naturally, having had the freedom to be so vulnerable with her, I automatically sexualised her. There was such a huge part of me that felt shame and slightly perverse. I constantly had to question my motives for everything, to make sure I had no ulterior motive and that my intentions were pure. I am proud to say that my intentions were pure and that I had no idea anything would amount from this. Let’s not forget my incredible track history, which has led me into a program for this kind of addiction. She has become such a good friend, who I love so unconditionally, I was afraid/I am afraid, rather, of loosing her.
I got honest about my feelings and she didn’t reject me. I pulled away a bit after doing that, in an attempt to withdraw. I thought the feelings were gone and after a some time apart we reconnected over dinner. The feelings were strong, but by the end of the night they had subsided and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had moved through the feeling and got to the other side – Thank God that was over! – hahaha, not even close! The next day the feelings came back 10 fold and after we had a confronting conversation, I admitted to her that, that was where I had gone again and it ended on a very uncomfortable note.
The next day she called me with some stuff she had started unpacking about herself and afraid of the connection between us, I was a little apprehensive about our plans to meet up at the end of the weekend. I was not controlling any of this, for a change (and I guess that’s where my pattern has broken), I was merely just showing up. This is getting even harder for me to write, because as I am writing, I am realising things and the conflicting questions: Is this love? or Is this obsession?
We went for a beautiful drive down the coast, we stopped off at the most gorgeous organic cafe for breakfast. It was there that the conversation started to get confronting again. After a beautiful breakfast and the crack bleeding along the top of pandoras box. We moved back into the car to continue down the coast. It was here, amongst scenery fit for any movie set, that we started to have the conversation. She opened up to me about her feelings, but because this was unmarked territory for her, she had a lot of shame around it too. She opened up and I opened up and one just bounced off the other, until we were both so raw and exposed and just moved into complete authenticity. It was beautiful! It was overwhelming! But most of all it was amazing, because it was in that space that we both realised, we could have these feelings and were healthy enough to make the choice not to act on them. This fact alone was my life saving breath, indicating that I don’t have to loose my best friend, just because I like her. More importantly, I don’t have to loose myself.
I wish that were the end of the story, and I guess if I got this blog post out this morning, it would have been. Instead, my brain has gone into complete obsession about her today. I was totally distracted and that is not healthy for me and just an even clearer indication, that I am not ready to be dating anyone. I have 3 fellowships on the go, 2 jobs, volunteer work, university and some insanely heavy therapy sessions… The last thing I can do right now is a distraction. Do I think I am loosing it? Do I think I am crazy not to pursue the girl who has bought me flowers, cooked me dinner, spent the whole day totally engaged with me in some of the most beautiful place in Victoria and who I love so unconditionally and is just so easy and comfortable to be with? YES!!! I think I’ve lost my freaking mind!!!! But I am going to do it anyway and honour my commitment to myself. I have 6 more months of no relationships and I need to stick to that. I owe it to me.
I am praying for help to let go God. I have faith.
What will be, will be.